


You Make Me Brave

by thathipsterkaiya



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mentions of drugs and alcohol, Minor Character Death, Religion, Religious Conflict, Religious Content, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-22 07:51:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 49,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12476840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thathipsterkaiya/pseuds/thathipsterkaiya
Summary: Dan didn’t want anything to do with being Catholic ever since the boys in his church choir started bullying him for being gay when he was 14 years old. Now with his father forcing him to go to a Catholic University as a last resort to make him Christian again, Dan must come face to face with his faith. A bright religious grad student named Phil offers Dan a chance to find God again. Little did Dan know that he’d end up falling in love along the way.





	1. Fools

**Author's Note:**

> WOW! I’m very emo as I’m writing this. 
> 
> Let me just start off by saying that this fic is not perfect in any means, nor is it in any way close to perfect. It’s my first ever completed chaptered fic which I plan to write more of soon, so please be kind! 
> 
> I’d like to thank my brilliant beta Sam @phantasticstories for being such a huge part for this fic’s completion! Even though his life has been hectic af, he still managed to get the job done, which I can’t thank him enough for! Your encouragement and compliments on my writing skills really helped boosted my confidence as a writer, which will mean more than you’ll ever know :’) 
> 
> I’d also like to thank my amazing artist Alexis @lilacskylester for the amazing movie trailer she created for this fic! Thank you for all the Skype sessions we had, whether it was actually working on the fic, me just rambling out the plot and characterization, or simple banter, I enjoyed every minute of it! I’m glad we got to get closer as friends as well which made me really happy! 
> 
> Also HUGE thank you to my pinch-hitter Michelle @tsingadark for coming in clutch with her suggestions to make the plot more connected and realistic. I really can’t thank her enough for that. Without your input, my fic would’ve had some serious characterization errors in the pivotal parts of this fic. So thank you so much! 
> 
> Thank you to my mod squad leaders Ollie and Zena for being very approachable and accommodating with any problems I had, especially with Irma, ahh!! You guys are awesome and I appreciate all of your hard work! 
> 
> And finally, thank you to all of my supportive friends and followers out there who’ve cheered me on from beginning to end of my writing process. Your encouragement means so much and is half the reason why I completed this fic. Thank you so much! 
> 
> This fic holds such a special place in my heart, not only because it is the first chaptered I’ve ever completed, but because the message behind it is one that has been burning deep inside me for the longest time. So what better way to spread a message by telling a story? This fic is my baby and no matter what, I’ll always be proud of it :) 
> 
>  
> 
> Dedicated to Billy, the senior who brought God into my life in my freshman year <3

 

“I can’t believe you’re actually forcing me to go to a fucking Catholic university!” 

 

Frustration seethed through Dan’s veins, heat bubbling towards his head. 

 

_ This wasn’t fair,  _ Dan thought to himself vexingly. 

 

“Look, Daniel-”

“Don’t  _ Daniel  _ me, dad!” 

 

“I’m just saying-”

 

“I’m not listening to your shit!” 

 

Dan groaned in frustration before storming out of the lounge and into the safe enclave of his congested room with all of his belongings, posters, and shrines from his cringeworthy fanboy era.

 

He still hadn’t packed. Why would he? He didn’t want anything to do with becoming a missionary like his mother, let alone being a Catholic again. 

 

Dan opened up his drawer and dug up an old dusty T-shirt that his friend Mercer made for him. It was a simple black T-shirt that had “ **_GOD IS FAKE NEWS”_ ** written in bold white letters across the front. Dan chuckled at the fond memory, reminiscing the huge laughing fit that broke out shortly after Mercer presented his gift in a gift bag from one of those tacky Christian stores. 

 

_ Knock knock.  _

 

Dan grumbled internally before yanking the door open to meet his father’s stern glare. Both of them had their arms folded across their chests, the potential for another argument looming over them. 

 

“Daniel-”

 

“What did I say about the Daniel thing?” 

 

“I am doing this for you,” his father cut in crisply. 

 

“Bullshit. You’ve never done shit for me and you know it.” Dan could feel the temperature of his blood rising again. 

 

Dan’s father stared intently at his son for a minute. “You  _ will  _ go to that school,” he hissed, “and I will  _ not  _ take no for an answer. That is final.” 

 

Before Dan could make up a viperous reply, his father swiftly turned around and marched down the hallway and out of sight. 

 

“ _ GODDAMN IT! _ ”

 

In a span of a few seconds, papers were flying all over the bedroom and even more clothes and other miscellaneous objects were strewn across the floor. 

 

Dan sighed, pulling out his phone from his pocket and numbly staring at Mercer’s contact profile. He knew he couldn’t call him because he was currently driving in his RV on a road trip to Las Vegas with his girlfriend Jannina and would probably have no service. 

 

Dan pouted, wishing he could tag along, but he also remembered helping Mercer pack for the road trip, vividly recalling the smirk they both shared as Mercer shoved a huge black bag into his suitcase labelled “ _ Jannina. _ ” Dan didn’t need to see anymore to know what other non-traveling related plans the free-spirited couple had in store. Instead, he scrolled up into the G’s of his contacts before stopping on a profile he hadn’t laid eyes on for years. 

 

_ “Hi! My name’s Grant! Welcome to the St. Joseph Church Boy’s Choir!” _

 

_ A shy 14-year old Dan grinned bashfully at the overly peppy boy. Grant’s rather large stature completely contrasted his boyish face that featured a large smile that flashed metal braces and his green eyes framed with black square glasses. He looked kind of cute.  _

 

_ “I’m Dan,” he mumbled, “and thanks.”  _

 

_ Grant oddly didn’t seem repelled by his hopeless shyness; instead, he seemed more determined to reach out to him.  _

 

_ “What’s your favorite song to sing?”  _

 

_ “I dunno,” Dan muttered. “Probably something by MCR.”  _

 

_ “Oooh, one of those people, huh?” Grant grinned.  _

 

_ Dan scowled. “What’s that supposed to mean?”  _

 

_ “Nothing bad! It’s good music.” _

 

_ Dan stared suspiciously at this way-too-nice boy offering a silver wreath of friendship.  _

 

_ He could hear them snickering in the background as he continued to talk to Grant. The snickers brushed the tip of Dan’s ears, causing them to turn slightly red along with his already blushing cheeks.  _

 

_ “Don’t listen to them,” Grant said softly, putting a hand on his shoulder.  _

 

_ Dan tensed at the gesture, the chuckling from the boys behind him growing in volume.  _

 

_ Finally, Dan just thought to himself,  _ fuck them. 

 

_ Without hesitation, Dan gave him a warm smile. Grant looked up at him and grinned in return.  _

 

_ “All you need to do is be brave,” Grant said sagely, “and block out the people who try to bring you down for who you are.”  _

 

Dan pressed the call button, the phone droning for three seconds until it stopped. 

 

“Hello?” 

 

“Hey Grant. I don’t know if you remember me, but it’s Dan.” 

 

“Oh yeah,” the slightly distorted voice from the phone said, “Of course I remember you. How could I not?” 

 

Dan noticed his voice tense up in the last sentence. He frowned. 

 

“I’m going to a Catholic University to become a missionary.” 

 

“Oh really?” The shock in his voice seeped through the phone speaker. He let out a lighthearted laugh. “You’re like the last person I’d expect to go to a university to learn how to preach about God and stuff.” 

 

“Yeah,” Dan breathed out with a little chuckle. “My dad’s forcing me to. Like a last resort to make me Catholic again. It sucks.” 

 

He could practically hear Grant’s frown through his phone. “Maybe you should give it another chance,” the soft voice floated through the silence, breaking it apart. 

 

“I am  _ not  _ giving my dad another chance. No way in hell.” 

 

“Not your dad,” the voice cut off gently, “I mean Christianity. It wouldn’t hurt to just try it out. Maybe it’s Go- I mean,  _ fate.  _ Like destiny or something.” 

 

“Please,” Dan retorted dismissively. 

 

“I think you should give it a try,” the voice chimed in, the plea underlying in his voice starting to bubble up to the surface. “I mean, it’s because of it that we met and got together.”

 

“And it’s also what broke us apart. If it weren’t for that stupid homosexuality rule-”

 

“Don’t say that,” Grant said pleadingly. 

 

“What? So you want to ignore the truth?” Dan laughed derisively. “That’s the thing with you Catholics, you ignore scientific proof and you’re in so much denial that there’s a possibility that your God isn’t real.” 

 

“Don’t think that just because you’re Atheist that you’re better than us, Dan.”

 

“I never said that,” Dan snapped. “It’s just that you guys delude yourselves into believing all this bullcrap like there’s a god out there who ‘loves us unconditionally’ and will ‘always be there for you’ but where was he when  _ we  _ needed him? Why did he never answer _ us  _ when we needed it most? What answer do you have for that?” 

 

The silence in between was deafening, ringing in his ears like a dog whistle. 

 

“Maybe you’ll find your answer if you go to that university.” 

 

Silence once again. 

 

“I don’t know.” 

 

“You don’t even have to be Christian or anything,” Grant continued hopefully. “It’s as if you were going to a fine art museum to learn about the history of art. Like, out of curiosity, you learn about it.”

 

Dan sighed and shook his head.

 

“Look,” Grant persisted once more, “if you don’t like it, at least you can say you’ve tried it out. And plus, if you think Catholics are so ‘deluded,’ as you say, at least learning more about it will give you some info to back it up… Unless you’re afraid to be proven wrong?” 

 

Dan frowned, taken back by that last statement.  _ Afraid to be proven wrong.  _

 

“Fine,” Dan huffed. “I’ll go. But only to gather evidence that this whole god thing is bullshit. And don’t think that I’ll fall for this stupid plan you have to convert me back. That’s not gonna happen.” 

 

“Never said I had a plan in the first place,” Grant’s voice seemed to smile through the phone speaker. 

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Dan rolled his eyes. He clutched the phone tighter. “By the way, are you doing okay?”

 

“I’m fine, why?” Grant asked with a puzzled voice.

 

“You know what I mean. Are you  _ really  _ okay?” 

 

He heard a sigh through the phone. “I’m getting there. I’m not there yet, but it’s not so hard now.” 

 

Dan nodded. “Good. I’m glad.” 

 

“Thanks for asking,” Grant replied.

 

“Well, I’ll see you. Bye Grant.” 

 

“Goodbye, Dan.” 

 

The phone droned before Dan pressed the end button on the call. Heaving another huge sigh, he flopped on his bed and flipped through songs on his Spotify for the perfect melody to pack to. 

 

He finally tapped the play button on a song, tossed his phone on his bed, and went to digging in his closet for acceptable clothes. He picked up his wrinkly **_GOD IS FAKE NEWS_** T-shirt and grinned manically, tossing it in his suitcase as Troye Sivan’s soothing voice filled his ears and his bedroom.  

 

_ Only fools fall for you _

 

_ Only fools _

 

_ Only fools do what I do  _

 

_ Only fools fall _

 

~ 

 

A month later, Dan found himself standing in his new dorm. Half of it was already unpacked by his anonymous roommate. The room was fairly spacious due to half of it being empty, consisting of two beds, a little room for two desk spaces, and a mini alcove with a door leading to a bathroom.

 

Dan only had two boxes of his belongings to bring into his dorm; he wasn’t planning on staying here for long. He scowled at the Crucifix hung above the window, wishing he could take it down. 

 

“You seem like you don’t want to be here,” a voice drawled. 

 

Dan turned around to meet another man his age. His roommate. 

 

The man had black hair gelled into a quiff and was dressed smartly with khaki pants, a baggy white sleeved shirt, and a plaid sweater vest. 

 

“I don’t,” Dan replied simply, scorning at the two boxes he set down on his bed. He still had yet to unpack. 

 

“That’s tragic,” the man droned. “Well, what’s your career plan? Missionary? Priest? Catechist?”

 

“The fuck is a Catechist?” 

 

The man guffawed. “Seriously? You attend this university and don’t know what a Catechist is?” 

 

“Well sorry I don’t know every single aspect of Catholicism,” Dan bit back. “I’m an Atheist.” 

 

His roommate raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Well that’s something I wouldn’t go around flaunting to everyone at this university.” 

 

“Why shouldn’t I?” Dan was starting to become irritated with this guy. 

 

“Because,” the man rolled his eyes exasperatedly, “you’re in a Catholic university, obviously. Everyone here’s gonna try to convert you or something if they hear you’re an Atheist.”

 

“Great,” Dan groaned. “I’ve already had enough preaching and lectures from my dad, now all of these clueless idiots?” 

 

“I wouldn’t go around this place with that attitude either,” the man said pointedly. “Trust me, the college experience is all about making friends and meeting new people. You don’t want to have people on your bad side already on the first day.” 

 

“Yeah yeah, I know.” Dan sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. 

 

“By the way,” the man chimed in, “my name’s Jude. Jude Ascott.” 

 

“Dan Howell.” 

 

~ 

 

Freshman orientation bored Dan to death. The gym smelled like sweaty socks and was congested with hundreds of overly peppy students. 

 

Dan rolled his eyes as he passed a group of female upperclassmen praying in a small garden with a statue of Mary while he and the rest of the freshmen made their way to the chapel. Apparently they were now heading to Mass, which was the last thing Dan wanted to do. 

 

Subtly, Dan lingered behind the crowd of freshmen until they were only a small blob in the distance pooling inside the chapel building. 

 

“God,” Dan exhaled, “so glad I got out of that.” 

 

Deciding to make use of his extra time, he opted for wandering aimlessly around the campus. It was actually really cozy, very small compared to gigantic state universities, but somewhat aesthetically pleasing. Except for the Mary and Jesus statues situated in random places; that was kind of creepy. 

 

Soon Dan found himself in the small garden, admiring the flowers, bushels, and blossoms. He plopped himself down on the edge of the circular fountain at the center of the foliage, taking comfort in the soothing sound of rushing water and the leaves swaying gently against each other in the breeze. The remnants of the day’s sun seeped through the blossoms and embraced the garden with a warm glow as the sky slowly transformed to its night canvas. 

 

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” 

 

Dan jumped in surprise and looked around the garden frantically until his eyes laid on a friendly looking man. His eyes reflected the night sky for they were very blue indeed. 

 

“Y-Yeah, they are,” Dan mumbled incoherently. 

 

The blue-eyed man continued to smile, his gaze flitting around the whole garden. 

 

“When I first came here as a freshman, this was my favorite spot to go to. It’s so nice. The flowers are so pretty and it smells all nature-y and stuff.” 

 

Dan chuckled. “ _ Nature-y?  _ Really? That’s the extent of your vocabulary?” 

 

The man giggled, still grinning. “Yeah, I’ve never really been that good with words.”

 

“That’s a shame,” Dan frowned pitifully. “For a Catholic, I’d have thought you’d have cooler words in your arsenal with all the prayers and stuff you guys do. Like  _ transubstantiation  _ and  _ resurrection  _ and all that.” 

 

“I find that to be a bit stereotypical,” the man replied lightly. “Not all Catholics are pew potatoes.” 

 

Dan raised his eyebrows and his smile reappeared. “Did you just say  _ pew potato?” _

 

“Yep!” the man replied shamelessly. “I remember the pastor of the church I went to back at home made up that term and used it in one of his homilies. Something like ‘don’t be a pew potato, actually get off your butt and do some good in this world!’” The man laughed at his own raspy vocal impression of the priest, and Dan couldn’t help but join in too. 

 

“Is that really what your priest sounds like?” Dan asked, a grin now slapped on his face.

 

“Yep! How about you? What’s your priests like back at home?” 

 

Dan snorted. “I wouldn’t know. I don’t go to Mass anymore.” 

 

The man gave Dan a puzzled look. “You don’t go to Mass?” 

 

“Nope,” Dan articulated. “I was born into a Catholic family but became an Atheist when I was fifteen.”

 

“What made you become Atheist?” The man asked curiously. “If you don’t mind,” he added hastily.

 

Dan shrugged. “I was in this stupid boy’s choir. Let’s just say that a group of knuckleheads believed they had some sort of obligation to make my life and my friend’s life a living hell by constantly telling us that we’re going to hell and God hates us and all that just because we were really close and we’re both guys.” 

 

“I see,” the man replied slowly. “Is there any other reason?” 

 

“I just think it’s all bullshit, this whole concept that there’s some divine being floating over the world watching over us and ‘loves us no matter what.’ With everything going on in the world, it’s hard to believe that there is a god.” 

 

“You’re right.” 

 

Dan looked up at him in surprise. 

 

“It is hard to believe that God exists when there’s so much evil going on.” 

 

He found himself nodding to the man’s reply. 

 

“But maybe that’s why there has to be a god. Because we need one so badly.” 

 

Silence.

 

“I’m Phil Lester by the way,” the man smiled. “What’s your name?”

 

“Dan Howell,” Dan replied slowly. 

 

“Can I offer you a proposition, Dan?” Phil sat down next to him on the bench, his knees knocking together and his arms resting on his lap. 

 

“Uh… sure,” Dan replied hesitantly. 

 

“Give me this whole school year to help you see God again and come back to Him.”

 

Dan’s eyes widened, watching the last bit of the sun glimmering behind Phil disappear behind the horizon. 

 

“I…” 

 

“You don’t have to accept it if you don’t want!” Phil quickly butted in. “I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or anything.” 

 

Dan pondered his choices for a moment. He remembered what Grant told him a month ago, that he was afraid of being proven wrong. 

 

If that was the case, Dan would not be afraid. He just had to suck it up and be brave. 

 

“Yes.” 

 

“Yes?” Phil echoed in slight disbelief. 

 

“Yeah,” Dan affirmed. 

 

Phil smiled brightly, his eyes shining. 

 

“I won’t let you down, I promise!” 

 

“Yeah hopefully,” Dan muttered, thinking to himself,  _ What the fuck did I just get myself into? _

 

That night found Dan laying wide awake in his bed at two in the morning, a pair of bright sky blue eyes and a sunlight ridden smile pervading his thoughts.


	2. Take Me to Church

Waking up to an alarm shrieking in your ears was not fun for anyone. Jude made that very clear with his friendly sloppy middle finger gesture towards him when Dan wouldn’t get up and shut off his alarm after five minutes. 

 

“Ugh! For fuck’s sake!” Jude yelled, slightly muffled by the pillow he buried in his face. He sat up and snatched Dan’s phone, jabbing his finger incessantly at the screen to make the sound go away. 

 

“Hey!” Dan exclaimed, prying his phone back from Jude’s hands, shutting off the alarm with a few finger taps on the screen. 

 

Both of them groaned in relief. 

 

“Well at least I didn’t have to resort to pouring ice cold water on your face,” Jude grumbled, proceeding to bury himself back in his bed sheets. 

 

“Okay, I get it. I’m sorry about the alarm,” Dan huffed. 

 

Jude just chuckled snidely in response. “This is what you get for choosing an 8 AM lecture in your schedule.” 

 

Dan glowered at the lump of sheets that was his roommate before grabbing a rumpled T-shirt and a new pair of jeans, making his way toward the bathroom. 

 

After a day full of classes which were spaced out reasonably on his schedule, including an hour and a half of his psychology professor lecturing about classical and operant conditioning, Dan emerged from his classroom with heavy eyes and a sleep-muddled brain. 

 

“Hi!” a voice chirped, causing Dan to look up. It was Phil, wearing a plain green button up sleeved shirt with a butterfly patch messily stitched on top of the pocket. It suited him really well. 

 

“Hey,” Dan breathed.

 

“You look like you just had a make out session with death,” Phil grinned. 

 

Dan rolled his eyes but found himself smiling. “Yeah, well, having an hour and a half with a professor who keeps blabbing on about how operant conditioning can be used as a ‘tool for the Devil’ can wear an atheist out.” 

 

“Speaking of which, are you ready for your first lesson?” Phil bounced on the balls of his feet excitedly. 

 

“Oh god,” Dan sighed, “lead the way, Phil.” 

 

“That’s  _ Professor  _ Lester to you,” Phil winked before giggling. Dan just blushed profusely. 

 

It was official. He had a crush on acclaimed Catholic Phil Lester.

  
  


~ 

  
  


The frisbee almost hit his head, barely whistling over his hair. 

 

Dan didn’t know why exactly Phil took him to a park for his first “lesson,” but admittedly, it was a nice refreshing scenery. The grass and trees were a beautiful green and the sky above was a clear blue, a stark contrast to the concrete jungle that was the rest of London. 

 

Phil relaxed on the bench they were sitting on, taking in the view. After a few minutes, Dan started to get antsy, wondering when the lesson would start. 

 

“Well?” 

 

Phil shook himself out of his stupor and turned to face Dan. 

 

“Are we gonna start?” Dan asked. 

 

“Right,” Phil said, “let’s get started.” He then stood up and looked at Dan expectantly, who got the gist and stood up as well. 

 

They started walking around the park. 

 

“So you told me that you don’t believe in God, right?” 

 

“Yep.” 

 

“And why was that again?” 

 

“Well,” Dan started, “the Creation story in the Bible is bogus. Plus it completely contradicts the idea of Darwin’s evolution theory, which has a lot of proof backed up behind it. I mean, how can God have created the world in seven days if it can be easily proven that all species came from a common ancestor? And didn’t it take the stars and planets over a billion years to form?” 

 

Phil nodded. “First things, the Creation story in the Bible isn’t meant to be taken completely literally. It’s a theological story to explain the simple concept that God created the world and all that is good.” 

 

“All that is good,” Dan snorted. “Fat chance.” 

 

Phil sighed. “We’ll get to that in a later lesson. First off, proving God’s existence.” 

 

Dan nodded. 

 

“St. Thomas Aquinas’s five proofs,” Phil reached into his bag and pulled out a blue book, holding it out for Dan to take. 

 

“It’s called  _ The Five Ways  _ written by Anthony Kenny,” Phil continued as Dan took the book from his hands, staring at the cover and thumbing through the pages. “It’s slightly outdated but it’ll do.” 

 

Phil zipped up his backpack and they continued walking. 

 

“It’s mostly based off the ideas of St. Thomas Aquinas, a philosopher and a very smart man back in his age. He wrote about five proofs for God’s existence.”

 

Dan simply stared at the book, still tuning into Phil’s words. 

 

“Now I know it’s not ideal proof that there is a God out there, but it does have some good argument points and logical reasoning, so it’s definitely worth looking at.” 

 

“Thanks,” Dan mumbled, finally looking up at Phil. He then opened the book right onto the page introducing the five proofs.

 

“ _ The Unmoved Mover, _ ” Dan read.

 

_ Things move when potential motion becomes actual motion. Only actual motion can convert potential motion into actual motion, and nothing can be both potential and actual motion, meaning nothing can move itself. Something had to had started the motion, since the sequence of motion cannot extend back infinitely. Therefore, it is necessary to conclude a first mover, who alone cannot be moved by no other, which everyone understands as God. _

 

Dan read the passage out loud to Phil, who seemed to be searching his face for a reaction. 

 

“What about gravity?” Dan asked. 

 

“Pardon?” 

 

“Gravity,” Dan pressed. “I read about Stephen Hawking, who said ‘Because there is a law such as gravity, the universe can and will create itself from nothing.’ What about that?” 

 

Phil pondered for a moment. Dan waited expectantly for Phil’s answer. 

 

Instead of Phil admitting defeat, he just smiled and looked at Dan. “Guess I’ll have to research on that and find an answer.” 

 

Dan frowned. 

 

“Are you not upset that I basically proved you wrong?” 

 

“You didn’t prove me wrong,” Phil said, continuing to admire the trees around them. “You just presented a valid argument, in which I’ll have to admit I’ll need to research more on. I’m not exactly a professor on this type of stuff.” 

 

“Then why bother trying to convert me if you don’t know every fact to deflect my arguments?” 

 

“Because I don’t know everything. You can’t really know what the person you’re arguing with will throw at you, so if you don’t know, then you don’t know, and you research and get back to them. That’s what one of my professors taught me my freshman year.” 

 

Dan just stared at Phil. Who did he think he was, telling him off like this?

 

“Next time you probably shouldn’t go around offering to convert Atheists if you don’t know your stuff.” 

 

Phil stayed silent for a while. 

 

Dan started to worry if he’d pushed the limit too much and hurt the guy’s feelings, but he was still a bit pissed off at the way this ‘lesson’ was turning out.

 

“I’m sorry,” Phil blurted out. Dan turned to look at him, eyes wide and eyebrows raised. 

 

“Why are you sorry?” 

 

“Because,” Phil continued, “you’re right. I  _ am  _ new at this, I don’t know what I’m doing.” 

 

Dan frowned once again, his eyes meeting Phil’s. His stony mask seemed to have deteriorated.

 

“Don’t be sorry, it’s fine,” Dan sighed. “Just don’t talk down to me so much.” 

 

“What do you mean?” Phil tilted his head slightly in confusion. 

 

“Like, I don’t know, it kinda makes me feel like shit how you talk to me like I’m some delinquent or whatnot,” Dan frowned, looking down at the pavement. 

 

“Oh,” Phil tilted his head slightly. “Yeah, I’ll work on that I guess.” 

 

“Okay.” 

 

“But yeah, the gravity thing, I’ll get back to you on that.” 

 

Dan nods. “It’s just that the Creation Story in the Bible seems like bogus. It completely juxtaposes history and the Big Bang Theory, evolution, and all that stuff.” 

 

“Well, like I said earlier, the Creation Story in the Bible is read more of as a theological story that’s supposed to symbolize how God created the world, not how it was actually created,” Phil explained. 

 

“So you’re saying that the Creation story with all the seven days isn’t real?” Dan asked. 

 

“Well I’m sure parts of it were real, like the concept of God creating the universe and setting things in motion, but the minor details like how created everything within six days is probably more metaphorical than literal.” 

 

“So God probably didn’t create the moon and the stars in one day?” Dan chuckled. 

 

“Probably not,” Phil smiled. “But then again, the concept of time wasn’t really there yet in the creation of the universe, so who knows? Maybe a day for God really means billions and billions of years, since God is an infinite being and all that.” 

 

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, “that kinda makes sense I guess.” 

 

Phil smiled. 

 

“But don’t think that you’ve fully converted me or something,” Dan added, causing Phil’s smile to falter slightly. 

 

“Of course,” Phil replied. 

 

“There’s still a lot that’s confusing as hell, like the whole thing with evolution and stuff.” 

 

“Most Catholics do believe in evolution, but not the kind of idea that most people immediately associate the concept of evolution with,” Phil started. “Basically Catholics believe in the type of evolution that every type of animal adapts physically and mentally to their surroundings.” 

 

“Kinda like survival of the fittest type of stuff?” Dan butted in. 

 

“Exactly,” Phil nods. “But, all of that evolution and adapting is under the guidance of God. We don’t believe in the whole humans developed from apes and all that stuff. Some Catholics believe in spontaneous or instantaneous creation, meaning that all life here on earth did not develop but were simply created and directed by God. Others, like myself, believe in developmental creation, which is basically what I explained with the adapting to environments and the survival of the fittest kind of stuff.” 

 

“Damn that’s a lot to take in,” Dan murmured. 

 

“There’s no definite Catholic position in what type of evolution we believe, but for me, the developmental creation seems to make the most sense,” Phil said, turning to look at Dan. 

 

Dan shrugged. “It seems a bit exhausting to try to mold science in with religious beliefs.” 

 

“It’s mostly because people interpret the Bible differently and then apply their interpretation to science and everyone comes up with different ideas and all that,” Phil sighed, fidgeting with his hands. 

 

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, then turned to meet Phil’s eyes. “Is that all for today?” 

 

“Not just yet,” Phil grinned, emitting a groan from Dan. 

 

Phil just laughed and grabbed Dan by the wrist, dragging him back to the campus. 

 

The sun was just setting when the two arrived back on campus. Dan noticed a pool of students making their way towards the road leading to the church building. 

 

“Oh god,” Dan lamented, already feeling the sinking sensation in his chest. “Is there another option?” Dan asked with pleading eyes. 

 

Phil grinned once more. “Nope,” he said pointedly, his iron grip still on Dan’s wrist. He turned to look back at Dan, and Dan swore his heart skipped a beat when he saw Phil’s bright smile. 

 

“I don’t understand how you’re so happy to go to church for an hour,” Dan moaned as Phil continued dragging him down the road. 

 

“It’s a beautiful form of prayer, and the best kind that gets you into Heaven,” Phil chirped. “Especially when you get to go with friends.” 

 

“Right,” Dan drawled out uncertainly. 

 

Phil finally let go of Dan’s wrist when they reached the front entrance of the church. 

 

“Hey Phil!” an unfamiliar voice called out. Dan turned towards the voice, which was from a female with brown hair tied into a ponytail. She had a friendly smile on her heavily freckled face, which completely contrasted her slightly intimidating body physique. Her arms looked like they could really pack a punch. 

 

“Hey Kelly!” Phil greeted warmly, hugging the girl before pulling away. “Oh yeah, Dan, this is one of my good friends, Kelly. Kelly, this is my friend Dan.” 

 

“Hi there, nice to meet you!” Kelly said fervently, holding out her hand. Dan tentatively shook Kelly’s hand. Despite the obvious shyness showing on his face, the girl, just like when he met Phil, did not waver in her friendliness. 

 

Kelly turned back to Phil. “Do you wanna sit next to us in Mass?” 

 

“Actually, if you don’t mind, Dan and I are gonna sit up in the balcony today. Let’s just say I’m his sort of mentor for religion.” 

 

Dan rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help but feel that irritating fluttering in his stomach when Phil looked back at him and smiled. He was such a smiley person. 

 

“Come on, this way,” Phil gestured toward a spindly staircase. 

 

“So why exactly did you want us to sit upstairs in the balcony?” Dan asked as they climbed up the stairs. 

 

“Well, so I can also guide you throughout the Mass,” Phil answered as they took their seats right up front, allowing them an aerial view of the entire church. Dan had to admit, the church was beautiful from the balcony. 

 

“I know what happens during Mass, Phil. I was once a Catholic, remember?” 

 

“Yeah, but I also want to help you look beyond just the rituals and responses and really try to connect with God and the people around you.” 

 

Dan sighed. “Look Phil, this whole Mass thing is nice and all, but I don’t know.” 

 

“Come on, give it a try!” Phil said, his eyes pleading once more. Dan knew he couldn’t resist that look, which resulted in him slouching back against the seat during the first reading. The reader’s voice kept whirring in his ears, almost lulling him to sleep.  

 

The minutes crept by as slowly as ever until Dan heard kneelers hitting the floor and saw Phil kneeling and gesturing for him to do the same. Dan reluctantly plopped his knees on the kneelers, folding his hands and staring down at the congregation below him, his mind starting to wander. 

 

“This is my body, which will be given up for You,” Dan faintly heard the priest recite as he held up the host up high to the Crucifix hanging above. 

 

A strange feeling of incredible guilt, betrayal, and cold shock flooded through Dan.

 

No, he couldn’t do this. 

 

Before he was even aware of it, Dan had already stood up from his pew and made his way down the balcony towards the exit. 

 

_ Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, _ Dan kept chanting in his head. He was a good few feet out the doors of the church when he heard Phil’s voice calling his name behind him. Dan forced himself to keep walking, but his feet unconsciously started to slow down. 

 

“Dan!” Phil called out again, a bit more desperately this time. 

 

Against his wishes, Dan’s feet slowed to a full stop and he turned around to face Phil. Nothing could prepare him for the incredible guilt that shivered through his body when he saw that look of disappointment on Phil’s face. 

 

_ Get it together,  _ his mind hissed. Dan quickly composed himself, looking Phil in the eye. “I don’t think I can do this.” 

 

“Yes you can,” Phil said pressingly, taking a step closer towards Dan. “You need to give me a chance, give  _ Him  _ a chance.”

 

“I don’t know Phil,” Dan said exasperatedly, groaning in frustration as his fingers tangled through his hair. “It’s just…” 

 

“Just what?” 

 

Heaving out another sigh, Dan slumped his shoulders and folded his arms across his chest. “It’s a lot to take in, okay? Like the whole Creation debate thing was fine and all but the going to Mass thing and trying to ‘connect with God,’ it’s extremely overwhelming.” 

 

Phil frowned.

 

“I’m not ready for Mass yet,” Dan continued. “It’s like you’re forcing God on me and I hate it! I feel like I’m fucking suffocating!” 

 

Dan could see the instant regret shine in Phil’s eyes, the realization that he messed up again wash over his face. 

 

“I’m sorry Dan,” Phil said softly, “I really thought you were fine. But when you just left like that, I was a bit surprised. Almost like it came out of nowhere.” 

 

Dan shrugged casually, trying to ignore that same sensation of guilt and duplicity eating at the back of his mind. “I think I’m gonna go back to my dorm.” 

 

Phil sighed. “Alright,” he said defeatedly. “I’ll see you in a few weeks then for our next session?”

 

Dan nodded, turning his back on Phil and the church and heading back towards the dorms. 

 

That same night at around 3 AM found Dan laying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, a whirlwind of thoughts racing through his head.


	3. Nearness

The next two weeks passed by uneventfully for Dan. Classes were the same, Jude gave him icy glares every Monday and Tuesday when his alarm would go off for his psychology class at 8 AM. 

 

It was a tedious routine which absolutely drained Dan everyday. Who knew that Catholic college life would be so damn boring?

 

And it didn’t necessarily help that Dan didn’t get to see Phil all week after their “meltdown” that Sunday night. 

 

That night couldn’t stop replaying in his head, that unpleasant sensation of extreme sacrilegion stirring in his heart, almost suffocating his throat. It didn’t make any sense, he’d been dragged to hundreds of Masses before when he was still living with his dad and was an acclaimed Atheist, so why would it bother him now? 

 

Dan’s train of thought was intercepted when he heard the mass shuffling of feet and scraping chairs. 

 

_ Oh, class is over,  _ Dan thought to himself as he shoved his notebook (littered with miscellaneous doodles) into his messenger bag and shouldered it, making his way out of the classroom. 

 

“Dan!” a familiar voice called out. Dan’s heart gasped and he found himself turning around, a small smile on his face. 

 

“Hey,” Dan greeted quietly, facing an out-of-breath Phil. Today he had on green plaid sleeves and black skinny jeans, his smile a bit fixed but still bright nevertheless. 

 

“Hiya!” Phil replied happily. “You wanna join me on another spiritual adventure?” 

 

“I thought our next session wasn’t until two weeks from today?” Dan said, his eyebrows raised in confusion. 

 

“It was, but I feel like there’s a lot more to Catholicism than simply  _ knowing  _ your faith. You have to live it as well, and I want to show you that side of being a Catholic as well.” 

 

“Okay,” Dan said uncertainly. “Does this involve any weird heart-to-heart connection with God or something like that? Because I told you, I’m not comfortable with that kind of stuff yet.” 

 

“Nope!” Phil replied, grinning from ear to ear. “We’re going to go volunteer at the Humane Society International.”  

 

Dan’s eyes widened. “Is that the place with the puppies and kittens?” He asked, trying so hard to hold in his excitement but failing horribly. 

 

“You bet! But it’s not as glamorous as you think,” Phil said forebodingly. “Most times when you’re there you have to empty all of the poop from the litter boxes and clean the cat rooms.” 

 

“Damn it,” Dan muttered. 

 

“But hey, you still get to be around the kittens and you’re allowed to pet them!” Phil added. 

 

“I don’t know…”

 

“Come on,” Phil persisted. “I  _ know  _ you want to go. I saw that look on your face when I mentioned the Humane Society.” 

 

After a very short argument in his mind, Dan finally relented. “Ugh, fine.” 

 

“Yay!” Phil cheered, grabbing his wrist and causing Dan’s heart to lurch in his chest again. God damn it. 

 

Dan and Phil entered a small cozy building with light green walls. From the corner of his eye, Dan spotted room with large walls revealing a kitten play area inside. His eyes lit up with excitement. 

 

“Come on,” Phil said, dragging Dan in the opposite direction of the kitten room. 

 

“Noo,” Dan whined, reaching his hands out dramatically to the kittens. 

  
  


~ 

  
  


“I don’t know how you do shit like this everyday,” Dan commented, ogling at a small labradoodle puppy running around in its room. 

 

“It’s a lot of work, but it’s one of the best things a Christian can offer to the Lord,” Phil replied as he used a shower head to bathe another puppy in a small plastic tub. “It’s really relaxing and gives people a lot of purpose in this world, makes them feel like they're contributing to a cause bigger than themselves.” 

 

“Yeah true,” Dan nodded, walking away from the labradoodle room and kneeling across from Phil, observing his soapy hands scrubbing the puppy’s fur. 

 

“Wanna give it a go?” Phil asked, offering Dan the shower head. 

 

“Sure,” Dan smiled, taking the shower head and rinsing out the suds from the surprisingly calm pug. 

 

“This little guy’s gonna have a family soon,” Phil said, scratching the pug behind its ears. “After getting rescued from a ditch a year ago, he’s finally getting adopted. I feel like a proud dad.” 

 

Dan laughed. “That’s really nice, you must be really attached to this guy, huh?”

 

“Yeah,” Phil nodded. “I actually tagged along in the rescue mission at Hope for Paws.” 

 

“Really? Did you risk your life by going inside the ditch to save your puppy in distress?” Dan asked teasingly. 

 

“Nah, I just drove the truck,” Phil said, causing Dan to let out another laugh. “I did help carry him to the vet to get him all stitched up and stuff.” 

 

“That’s good,” Dan replied. “Any other places you volunteer at?” 

 

“There’s St. Matthew’s House, Meals on Wheels, and the Boys and Girls Club,” Phil listed. “You can help me out with stuff there too if you’d like.” 

 

“Sounds like fun,” Dan said, turning off the shower head and setting it down to the side. “Okay, he’s all clean.” 

 

“Cool.” Phil grabbed a towel and started drying the pug’s fur. “Alrighty buddy, you’re all clean! Let’s get you back into your room for a nap.” 

 

Dan watched Phil put the leash back on the pug and lead him into his room, where the pug flopped onto his bed. Phil grinned and pet the pug until eventually he fell asleep on Phil’s lap. Dan’s heart warmed a bit, just a little bit. 

 

“That pug seems to really like you,” Dan commented as Phil exited the pug room and closed the door quietly behind him, locking it up with a key. 

 

“Yeah, he’s one of my favorite guys around here,” Phil said. He and Dan walked out of the dog corridor in slightly awkward silence until they reached the lobby. 

 

“Thanks so much Phil!” The receptionist at the lobby called out from her desk. 

 

“Anytime, Denise!” Phil called back, smiling. He turned back to Dan. “Our session’s done for today. How about some ice cream?” 

 

Dan grinned. “I can never say no to ice cream.” 

 

They both headed out of the Humane Society building, chattering contently.

  
  


~ 

  
  


“I still can’t believe you do stuff like that everyday,” Dan commented as he ate his ice cream. 

 

“Well, not everyday,” Phil replied, “just on days when I’m bored and have nothing productive to do.” 

 

“Your life seems so well-balanced,” Dan said, “I wish I could do something productive everyday. Most days I just spend ninety percent of my time on Tumblr.” 

 

Phil chuckled. “My days aren’t too balanced. I still have a not-so-good grade in Church History.” 

 

“Yikes,” Dan cringed. “That sounds boring as fuck.” 

 

“It is,” Phil nodded. 

 

They ate their ice cream in comfortable silence for a while. 

 

“I’m still really skeptical about all of this, Phil.” 

 

“I know. It’s hard to put your trust in something that doesn’t have solid scientific proof or anything.” 

 

Dan frowned. “Yeah, it is.” 

 

“I pray for you everyday, Dan. That one day God will open your heart and you’ll finally let Him in,” Phil said. 

 

“Shit, Phil, don’t get sappy with me here,” Dan said as he rolled his eyes. “I’ll be fine with or without a god.” 

 

Phil looked unconvinced, but Dan was determined to make his point. 

 

“I’ve been an Atheist for 4 years and I’ve been fine,” Dan continued. “Don’t you feel like a fool believing in all this?” 

 

Phil sighed and looked down at his ice cream, caught up in deep thought. 

 

“Look,” Dan started again, “it’s not like I hate you or anything. I’m just looking out for myself and for you too. I don’t want you going out into the world trying to convert people into your religion, making yourself look stupid, if there’s not even enough proof to your faith.” 

 

“You’re not looking out for me,” Phil shook his head. “You only care about proving something to me, but I won’t stand against God.” 

 

“Would you listen to yourself?” Dan said exasperatedly. “You sound like a lunatic, for fuck’s sake!” 

 

“If you haven’t noticed, Dan, you’re attending a school full of people who believe the same thing that I do! So can you cool it?!” Phil snapped. 

 

Dan scowled at Phil, but the older man stood his ground. 

 

“I’ll never be one of you,” Dan hissed. “It’s  _ your  _ religion that makes me feel sick and dirty about myself.” 

 

Phil’s eyes widened, but Dan didn’t notice as he tossed his ice cream in the nearest trash can and stormed off. 

 

He was so fucking sick of Christianity being shoved down his throat already, like he was drowning and drowning. He didn’t even want to be in this university in the first place, so why did he take up Phil’s challenge? No matter what happened, Dan could never see himself believing in Christianity again. Never in a million years. 

  
  


~ 

  
  
  


Phil had sent him a link in response to his gravity argument about how the world was created. The link lead Dan to a video by a man who went by Bishop Barron, who made a Youtube video on how gravity’s finite didn’t have the capacity to create time, space, and the entire universe. 

 

_ A force with the quality of the infinite could create something as massive and complex as merely existing, let alone motion and energy.  _

 

Dan had to admit, Bishop Barron did make a good point with his video, and he liked the elder’s calm manner in how he explained things; it didn’t feel so forceful. 

  
  


“So I’m still pushing it a bit?” Phil asked when they met up at the cafe near the campus for their next session. 

 

“Yeah,” Dan nodded. “But I did like that link you texted me, that Bishop Barron guy. He’s the real man.” 

 

Phil snorted, but a smile spread across his face. “He’s great, isn’t he?” 

 

“Yep,” Dan said. “So, what’s our next session gonna be about today?” 

 

“We’re gonna delve face first into mother nature,” Phil announced. He looked over and saw brown eyes staring at him nervously. 

 

“Please don’t tell me that means going outside,” Dan said hopefully. 

 

“Unfortunately yes,” Phil mockingly grimaced. 

  
  


~ 

  
  


“The Botanical Gardens? Really?” 

 

“Oh, wipe off that look from your face,” Phil lightly admonished. 

 

“Alright fine,” Dan sighed, “get on with it then.” 

 

“Reason number two, life comes from life.” 

 

The two men strolled through the garden, the serene aesthetic of nature sending an unidentifiable vibe through Dan. 

 

“Go on,” Dan said. 

 

“Well, all life has to come from somewhere, right?” Phil asked, being met with a nod from Dan. He continued. “All of this life around you, from flowers to butterflies to monkeys to lions, when you trace back their ancestors all the way to the beginning of earth’s time, they all had to be created by something or someone.” 

 

“Okay,” Dan said, “well what about that evolution thing? Couldn’t they have evolved from simpler life forms? Like how when earth was still in its beginning stages, the only life form that existed was bacteria and microorganisms. Couldn’t they have evolved from that?” 

 

“Yes they could have, but who created the microorganisms?” Phil asked. 

 

“They just evolved from all the materials given by the sun and all the other matter that lingered around after the Big Bang,” Dan countered. 

 

“And you expect the stars to have just created themselves?” Phil tilted his head slightly. 

 

“Well they didn’t just pop out of nowhere,” Dan answered plainly. “Like I said, when the Big Bang happened, all the dust and matter needed to create the stars spread throughout the universe, the stars started to form by themselves.” 

 

“True, the stars could have formed through that method, but what force could have set off the Big Bang if no other powerful force such as time, gravity, or black holes existed then?”

 

Dan stayed silent. He finally shrugged in defeat. “I don’t know.” 

 

Phil pointed up to the sky. “God.” 

 

“But what about God? Didn’t some force have to create him?” 

 

“He’s timeless, infinite, forever, the beginning and the end, the past, present, and future. He was never created, He’s always existed as this all-knowing and all-loving force with the power to create the Universe,” Phil rambled. 

 

“Sounds like a great dude,” Dan said. 

 

Phil nods. “He’s an awesome dude.” 

 

“Okay, so a god had to have existed to create this whole universe, but how do you know that what you make of your god is the truth?” 

 

“Well, we don’t know everything about God, but the basis of the entire Catholic religion is on Jesus and the Trinity.” 

 

“Jesus? The one who got crucified to save the world and all that?” 

 

“You got it,” Phil chirped. “Jesus Christ is the reason why we’re all here as Catholics, because we believe that He’s the Son of God who came down to this earth to spread the Good News and sacrifice Himself to the cross to redeem our lives.” 

 

“Okay, okay, let’s take a step back please,” Dan cut in. “Do you have more proof that God exists? This is a lot to take in.” 

 

“Sure,” Phil said. “How about we stop this session, and I’ll give you another reason next time.” 

 

“That’d be great, thanks.” 

 

“Wanna go to my dorm and play some Mario Kart,” Phil offered. 

 

A huge grin spread across Dan’s face. “Hell yeah.” 

  
  


~ 

 

That night found the two men finishing their tenth race, both on the brink of sleep. 

 

“Let’s take a break,” Dan mumbled, his eyes fluttering shut. 

 

“Yeah,” Phil yawned. “Okay.” 

 

Phil buried his head into Dan’s shoulder, curling up next to him. Dan found his heart beating faster than usual, his mind whirring. 

 

_ Oh god, I’m developing a crush on Phil Lester,  _ Dan thought to himself frantically. 

 

Brown eyes gazed upon Phil’s face, which was veiled in a deep sleep. His features were relaxed and he didn’t look like he was going to burst out with happiness and energy. In fact, his face was even more beautiful asleep and peaceful. 

 

Then he found himself trailing his view to Phil’s lips. 

 

An abrupt knock interrupted Dan’s borderlining inappropriate admiration of Phil’s face. 

 

“Phil?!” A voice called from the outside of the door. “Are you in there?” 

 

Dan furrowed his eyebrows before standing up from the couch. He walked over to the door and tentatively opened it. 

 

“Kelly?” 

 

“Oh! Dan!” The freckled girl’s eyes widened into saucers. “What are you doing here?”

 

“Phil’s asleep. We were playing Mario Kart together.” 

 

“Ohh. Well when he wakes up, can you tell him that I need to speak to him ASAP.”

 

“Sure.” 

 

“Thanks, Dan,” Kelly grinned before leaving. 

 

Dan closed the door and snuck another look at Phil’s sleeping form, a scaringly familiar warmth encompassing his body. 


	4. Gravity

This time when the alarm beeped incessantly at eight in the morning, there wasn’t an irritated Jude accompanying it. Puzzled, Dan arose peacefully and shut off the alarm on his phone, looking around his empty dorm. 

 

_ Weird,  _ Dan thought to himself as he got ready for his morning lecture. 

 

It was already November and Dan still had yet to make any other ‘good friends’ other than Phil. Would he even call the relationship he had with Phil a friendship? It was more of a student-mentor type, which made Dan even more glum as he pocketed his phone and shouldered his messenger bag before heading out the door to his morning class. 

  
  


~ 

 

“Hey Dan!” A voice that wasn’t Phil’s shouted from across the hallway. Dan turned around and was surprised to see Jude. 

 

“Hey,” Dan said casually after Jude jogged up to him. “Where were you this morning?” 

 

Jude simply shrugged. “Doing stuff. It’s a secret,” he winked. 

 

“Cool.” 

 

“I just wanted to see if you were alive since I wasn’t there this morning to pour water on your face to wake you up.” 

 

“Well I’m obviously awake.” 

 

“Easy on that cheek, Howell.” 

 

“Whatever, Ascott,” Dan rolled his eyes as Jude gave him another wink and walked away. 

 

Dan’s phone vibrated in his pocket, prompting him to check his messages. 

 

**_New Message from Phil:_ **

 

**_meet at park after your last class! (:_ **

 

“To the park it is,” Dan said to himself, which he found ridiculously sad as he headed out of the school building. 

 

When he arrived at the park, Phil smiled and waved him over. 

“Why are we at the park again?” Dan asked as he walked over to Phil. 

 

“This is just a meeting place!  We’re gonna go and visit a friend of mine. His name is PJ.”

 

“Cool cool,” Dan nodded. “Let’s go.” 

  
  


~ 

  
  


PJ’s dorm was nothing Dan had ever seen before. When PJ opened the door and invited both him and Phil inside, the first thing Dan noticed was the jungle of artwork covering every inch of the place. There were realistic portraits of random faces tacked onto the walls, framed captures of nature on watercolor and pastels. There was even a large crafted mobile hanging from the ceiling that represented the solar system. It was surreal, a sub-reality, being in PJ’s room. 

 

“I see you’ve added to your rainbow art wall, Peej!” Phil remarked, maneuvering through the many shelves of art mediums and one giant blue easel. 

 

Dan tried his best to follow Phil and PJ, finally arriving at the opening of the room. At the other side of the dorm was a giant wall where PJ’s bed was located; the wall was clad in colorful artwork arranged in a rainbow fashion. They were all different depictions of nature or aesthetic shots like. 

 

One drawing that particularly stood out to Dan was a smiling boy with pink stripes painted on his cheeks, a matching flower crown lying atop his blond hair. He felt a giddy feeling bubble in his chest, one that was reminiscent of  a nine-year old girl getting her first crush on someone. 

 

“Thanks, Phil! I apologize for the mess, you can never have too many mediums.” 

 

“Well you are an artist, it’s your God-given talent,” Phil replied, ogling at the rainbow wall as well. 

 

“I see you like the rainbow wall, Dan,” PJ said, causing Dan to put a stop to his train of thought and be submerged back into reality - well, more like sub-reality. 

 

“Yeah, I do.” 

 

“It’s one of the projects I’m working on,” PJ explained, “to catch all of the rainbow’s colors in different places in this world. They can be in anything from nature to cities to people to buildings to the night sky. The possibilities are endless!” 

 

Dan nodded in fascination at the rainbow wall. As he scanned his eyes through the crowd of small colorful doodles and sketches and portraits, he noticed some of the things PJ listed: a closeup of a red rose with dew drops, a purple hued portrait of the New York City landscape, a yellow hued drawing of the Taj Majal, and of course, a small painting of the starry night sky. 

 

“So why did you bring me here for this month’s session?” 

 

“Right,” Phil nodded his head in acknowledgement, “so I brought you to PJ because he’s an artist. Peej here will be teaching you about art, finding the mathematical beauty and order of the world, and how it all had to have a mastermind behind it.” 

 

“Okay,” Dan turned to PJ, “show me what you got.” 

 

“Alright then, if you’ll come this way please,” PJ crossed over to the other side of the room, retrieving his easel and a large notebook of drawing paper. He flipped through a few random face portraits before arriving on only a drawn out sketch of what was supposed to be a human face when finished. 

 

“So if you observe all of these lines and boxes that overlap the base of the face portrait, you’ll see the proportions of the human face. Now, from what I learned in my art classes back in secondary school, when drawing the frontal view of a face, the width of the face is supposed to be around two-thirds of its height. That’s why I have these lines and boxes drawn lightly so I get my proportions right.” 

 

“Got it.” 

 

“When drawing the human profile, everything is about proportions so the portrait comes out looking realistic and natural and beautiful,” PJ continued as he started erasing all of the extra lines and boxes. 

 

“Yeah, okay.” 

 

“When I first came to this university as a freshman, I was pretty doubtful about many things as a Catholic, and there are certainly a lot of things in the Bible I still don’t agree with, like stoning women to death for adultery and all that crap in Deuteronomy.” 

 

Dan chuckled. “Yeah, don’t really agree with that shit either.” 

 

“But one thing that my professor told me was that whenever you find yourself doubting God, just draw the world around you and realize while you draw that God created all of this in multitudes more. And whenever I draw portraits, I always think of how God molded every single human’s body and face that ever existed on this earth from scratch, along with the rest of the world and nature and animals.” 

 

“Okay, but how do you know that this all wasn’t just some giant coincidence, a one in a trillionth percent chance of happening, but by logical probability, it happened and we all just came to be.” 

 

“You have a point,” PJ said, “but how did it all come to be? What exactly set off this chain reaction from the beginning of time to now? What force on this earth could be so powerful to create a universe, maybe even multiple out there, to create time and space and logic and math and physics?” 

 

No response came to Dan. He sighed. “I don’t know.” 

 

“If you don’t have an answer to that question, then I think you should start reconsidering what you believe.” 

 

Dan stared at PJ, that same frustration and defiance bubbling up in his chest. But then he caught sight of the rainbow wall again. He walked over to the wall again and stood in front of it, glancing at some of the pictures. There were too many to count, probably hundreds of small square sketches pinned on this wall. It really was beautiful, and for some reason, Dan felt safe looking at this wall. 

 

“You know what a rainbow also represents other than gay pride?” Phil asked. 

 

“Er, that boat guy who had a bunch of animals on it while God flooded the earth?” Dan answered uncertainly.

 

“Kinda,” Phil said, “it’s more of God’s promise to never flood the earth to kill mankind again. A sign that He still believes in His creation, His children. If only they would believe in Him as well.” 

 

Dan let out a small sigh, still facing the rainbow wall. “It’s still hard, okay? To believe in all of this.” 

 

He could practically feel Phil and PJ share a look behind him. 

 

“Faith takes time to build, and even longer to rebuild when you already have another building in its place,” PJ commented. “So it’s understandable if you’re still not sure.” 

 

“Thanks,” Dan replied. “Your artwork is beautiful, by the way.” 

 

“You’re welcome, Dan. And thank you,” PJ smiled. 

 

“No problem.” 

 

“Thanks so much for your help, Peej!” Phil chirped as he and Dan made their way out of PJ’s dorm. 

 

When the door closed behind them, Phil turned to Dan. “What did you think of that?”

 

A hint of a smile graced Dan’s lips. “It was really nice, actually, for the most part. I liked how he explained a lot of the stuff and connected it to being a Catholic.” 

 

“Yeah,” Phil nodded, “PJ wasn’t exactly the most religious person ever. He came from a very free-spirited background. He was always into the artsy scene, and sometimes that led him down bad paths.” 

 

“Well there’s nothing wrong with experimenting stuff,” Dan interjected. 

 

“I guess, but I think that sometimes you have to know when to stop experimenting or else it’ll hurt you in the long run and end up destroying you. That’s almost what happened to PJ.” 

 

“How do you know this?” 

 

“We’re good friends. We kinda helped each other get back on our own feet in our freshman year. He’s a good person, and a really talented artist. I’m glad he’s really doing so much with it.” 

 

“Yeah, that rainbow wall was really something different,” Dan said. 

 

“It really is. It’s a bit ironic though since PJ is straight,” Phil chuckled. 

 

“Oh,” Dan said, a bit of disappointment creeping in. “Are there any openly gay people that you know here?” 

 

“Not that I know of, no,” Phil shook his head. 

 

Dan asked his next question carefully. “Do you think there should be?” 

 

Phil pondered for a while as the two walked out of the dorm building and strolled through the fairly peaceful campus. 

 

“I’m not sure. There’d sure be quite a bit of controversy though, that’s for sure.” 

 

“Definitely,” Dan agreed. “I hope to god there’s no homophobes here though.” 

 

“I can’t promise you that, but at least the difference between uni and secondary school is that most people just mind their own business and keep their mouths shut.” 

 

“I’ll take some solace in that.” 

 

Phil laughed then fixed his eyes on the open gate that lead out of the campus. “Yeah, well, I think we’ve both had enough religious talk for today, so how about we go out for some pizza?” 

 

“Fat and greasy foods,” Dan smiled, “you sure do have taste, Lester.” 

 

Phil smiled back, his tongue sticking out a bit. Dan found his heart racing ever so slightly. 

  
  


~

 

They were laughing over a stupid pun Phil made about lions. It was overused and bland, but Dan found himself cackling like a hyena anyways. Although their boisterous laughter attracted some attention from a few strangers, Dan didn’t care. In fact, he couldn’t care less, because his mind was hazy simply from the amount of sugar in the large Coca-Cola he got with his pizza, and of course being in the brilliant presence of Phil goddamn Lester. 

 

“I didn’t know you used to play piano!” Phil exclaimed. 

 

Dan nodded. “Guilty as charged. I actually really wanted to be a pianist back when I was a little kid, but obviously that didn’t work out. My piano teacher was shit, but I still play on my own whenever I feel like it,” he shrugged. “How about you? What did you want to be when you were a kid?” 

 

“I really wanted to be a biologist or a zookeeper or something when I was young, but then I changed my mind,” Phil said reminiscently. 

 

“What made you change your mind?” Dan asked curiously. He realized just how little he knew about Phil, considering he was the closest thing to a friend he’s made in this whole university. 

 

Phil shrugged. “Life just happens, I guess. Interests change, people change, you realize that there’s another thing you’d rather see yourself doing for the rest of your life in the future.” 

 

“What do you want to be?” 

 

“A missionary. Help bring people to God.” 

 

Dan frowned. “That’s not gonna be an easy task. Hell, I’m still wondering how I haven’t scared you off already.” 

 

Phil thought about it for a moment. “This is gonna sound really cheesy-” 

 

“Cheesier than this pizza I’m eating?” Dan teased, eliciting another eye roll from Phil. 

 

“Probably, if I’m gonna be honest. But screw it. When I first saw you in that garden the first day of uni, there was this immediate rush of breeze, like the Holy Spirit was telling me something. And I found out that it was God, calling me to bring you back to Him.” 

 

Dan stared at Phil for a moment, mid-chew on his pizza, hands splattered with grease. He then proceeded to swallow the pizza. 

 

“You were right,” Dan finally said, “that was cheesy as fuck.” 

 

Phil simply rolled his eyes again and smacked Dan on the arm. “Shut up, I warned you.” 

 

“Doesn’t mean I can’t dislike it,” Dan shrugged. “But that’s kinda cool that you felt that, I guess, if that’s what you believe happened to you.” 

 

“I do,” Phil nodded, “I really do.” 

 

The two students continued their conversation onto more light and random topics. The longer the conversation stretched out, the deeper Dan felt himself falling for Phil goddamn Lester. 

  
  


~ 

  
  


When Dan trudged back into his still empty dorm and turned the lights on, his heart started racing once more when he saw crisp white letter lying on his desk. It was addressed from South Africa, meaning his mum finally had access to the post office. 

 

Grin spread on his face, he eagerly ripped open the envelope and unfolded the short handwritten letter. 

 

**Dear Dan,**

 

**Oh, how I’ve missed you so! I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to hug and kiss you goodbye before your send off to university. Knowing your beliefs, I’m aware that having you go to a Catholic University is not even the least bit ideal for you, but please tough it through. I know you can do it, whether or not you decide to find God or not. But always remember to keep your heart and mind open, because God’s love reaches to you in the most unexpected ways.**

 

**Keep making me proud and please write back soon. I miss my little boy so much!**

 

**Blessings,**

**Mum**

 

Dan ran a finger through the inked letters fondly, a deep ache settling in his chest. He could really use a hug from his mum right now. Folding up the letter carefully, he decided to file it inside a random folder in his messenger bag. 

 

Crawling into bed, Dan’s mind buzzed with more thoughts, which was not unusual. He got used to it at this point. What  _ exactly _ were his feelings for Phil? Was it just a crush? More than a crush? Is Dan still an atheist, or is he now a believer? 

 

Deciding to put away these questions for the night, Dan turned off the lamp on his bedside table and snuggled into his pillow, falling asleep and dreaming of blue eyes and shared laughs. 


	5. Shake It Out

It all started on November 2nd when Phil texted him asking if he wanted to go out for coffee. Puzzled, Dan took a quick glance at his calendar and didn’t see the “Religious Session with Phil” event marked down for today. 

 

Did Phil actually want to hang out with him? Casually? 

 

“Are you gonna stop staring at your phone and finally move along?” 

 

Dan could practically hear Jude’s arrogant voice from a mile a way by now. However, he had grown quite fond of his proud nerdy roommate. It was still a mystery as to why Jude was always gone by the time Dan woke up for his 8 AM lecture. 

 

“I’ll move when I like,” Dan retorted and turned around to face his roommate. He had suspenders on today and was five inches shorter than him, but god knows how he still managed to act like a prick around him. 

 

“Hate to break it to you, Howell, but you’re blocking the hall.” Jude rolled his eyes and dragged Dan closer to the wall, allowing more students to flow through. 

 

“Why weren’t you in this morning? I thought your earliest lecture was 11 AM.” 

 

“Afraid that isn’t any of your business, Howell.” 

 

Dan sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Whatever, like I want to know about it anyway. Starting a rosary club, I bet.” 

 

“Haha very funny,” Jude said derisively, “Jokes on you, Mary Rose already started that club two years ago according to some inside sources.” 

 

“Inside sources? That sounds sketchy, Ascott. Your mysterious morning endeavors are much more questionable now.” 

 

The vibrating phone in Dan’s pocket interrupted the conversation. Fishing his phone from his pocket, Dan checked his notifications to see Phil’s message: 

 

**_See you at Starbucks right outside the campus in around 15 minutes?_ **

 

“Ooooh, is that who I think it is?” Jude teased, his voice overcoated with sarcastic sugar. 

 

“Fuck off,” Dan mumbled, lightly shoving Jude away and persistently walking out of the school building. 

 

“Have fun on your date!” Jude called out, causing a few heads around him to turn. 

 

To his dismay, Dan’s cheeks flushed red. Damn it. 

 

~

 

He met Phil at the Starbucks that was only a few minutes away by foot. They sat at their special booth, the same one they’d always sit at every time they’d go get coffee together. 

 

“Hey!” Phil greeted a slightly out of breath Dan. 

 

“So much walking,” Dan replied breathily, sliding into the booth and taking off his messenger bag and setting it down next to him. “I’m so out of shape.” 

 

Phil giggled, tongue sticking out slightly again. “Here,” he said, sliding over one of the two coffee cups he had to Dan. “It’s on me.” 

 

Dan’s eyes widened. “You didn’t have to.” 

 

“I know,” Phil replied with a shrug, “but I wanted to.” 

 

Dan tried profusely to prevent the blush on his cheeks from becoming visible to Phil. “Thanks.” 

 

“You’re welcome!” 

 

“So when’s our next session?” Dan asked. 

 

Phil grinned excitedly. “Actually, this month’s session will be super fun and different. I hope you’re used to crowds.” 

 

“Crowds?” Dan repeated nervously. 

 

“Don’t worry, you’ll be fine!” Phil dismissed. “Have you ever been to a Youth Rally?” 

 

“Er, I think once when I was like eleven or something with my youth group. It was really boring though.” 

 

“Well don’t worry about this one being boring. The Diocesan Youth Rally this year will be held at The Marble Arch Montcalm Hotel!” 

 

Dan’s eyes almost leaped out of their sockets. “WHAT? Are you serious?!” 

 

Phil grinned, bobbing his head up and down. “Yep! There’s gonna be hundreds, thousands of young people there all for one thing: to praise the Lord!” 

 

“That,” Dan started, “sounds terrifying.” He reached into his messenger bag to retrieve his phone. 

 

“You’ll be fine, I promise,” Phil reassured with a softer smile this time. “Oh, by the way, I gotta go at around four because Mass is at four-thirty.” 

 

Dan hummed in reply as his fingers brushed against a piece of heavily written paper. He then remembered the letter his mother mailed to him. 

 

_ “...always remember to keep your heart and mind open…”  _

 

Dan took out the folder and retrieved the letter from the folder’s pocket, closing it. 

 

“What’s that you got there?” Phil asked, peering over at the letter. 

 

“A letter from my mum,” Dan replied before he could even think his answer through. 

 

“Oh, that’s lovely! Can’t wait to see her when you head home?” 

 

Dan internally rolled his eyes. “I wish. She’s a missionary in South Africa.”

 

“Oh man,” Phil’s mouth formed into the shape of a donut. “I’m so dumb, I’m sorry.” 

 

“It’s okay,” Dan said, eyes still on the letter. “Her words of encouragement really mean a lot.” 

 

“Yeah,” Phil nodded understandingly, “parents who really have your back no matter where they are is something we all should cherish. I love my mum and dad.” 

 

“Is it just you and your parents?” Dan asked. 

 

Phil nodded again. 

 

“I lived with my dad and younger brother Noah. Noah’s dead now though, died in a car crash when I was twelve.” 

 

Phil frowned. “I’m so sorry, Dan.” 

 

“It’s alright,” Dan shrugged. “I’m mostly over it.”

 

“Did you two share the same views?” Phil questioned. 

 

“What do you mean?” Dan furrowed his eyebrows. 

 

“I mean, was Noah an Atheist too?” 

 

“Kinda,” Dan replied slowly, “more like Agnostic. He thought there was a god that created this earth, but then left humanity to fend for itself.” 

 

Phil frowned. “That’s a sad way to look at it.” 

 

Dan shrugged. “Well, I think I have the same views now. There had to be a god who created us and this world, but does that mean he’s necessarily still here? What if he really just got up and left us?” 

 

“No,” Phil shook his head, “God is alive and here.” 

 

“Then why is there still evil in the world?” Dan pressed. 

 

“There will always be evil in the world, Dan.”

 

“Then why couldn’t your god just destroy all evil people or something?” 

 

“That’s now how the world works, and that’s not how people work.” 

 

“Then how do people work?” Dan asked exasperatedly. 

 

“Each person has a good and bad inside them. What makes them different is which side the person chooses to act on.”

 

“But can’t God just make people good again if he’s all-powerful?” 

 

“He can’t,” Phil shook his head. “He gave humans free will, giving them the ability to choose between acting good or bad in each situation. And when Adam and Eve took the temptation of the apple and ate from it, I think there was some power that God surrendered to the world so that humans could choose everything for themselves.” 

 

“That kinda makes sense, but at the same time kinda doesn’t.” 

 

“It’s the best way I can explain it, I guess.” 

 

Dan looked back at the letter lying in front of him. “Can I go with you this time?” 

 

Phil looked up from his drink. “Wait, where?” 

 

“To Mass today.” 

 

“Ohhh, yeah of course!” A smile spread across Phil’s face. 

 

“Cool,” Dan replied simply, but the grin Phil had contaminated his face as well. Not that it was a bad thing, he could watch Phil’s stupid smile all day. 

  
  


~ 

  
  


“Why do you guys have Mass during a weekday? Why not on Sunday like tradition?” Dan asked. 

 

“I think it’s because our university isn’t really connected to a church parish, so we have a chaplain, a priest from another parish, come in and celebrate the Mass at our chapel when he’s most free, which is probably on weekdays.” 

 

“That makes sense.” 

 

“So how are you doing here in the university in general?” Phil asked. 

 

“It’s alright, kinda boring. Too small.” 

 

“Yeah, I get you,” Phil chuckled. “When I first got here, I was kinda disappointed since it was pretty much like my private high school. So secluded and closed off from the world. It’s kinda ironic since I’m studying to become a missionary, where you actually have to go out into the world and meet new people and explore different cultures and all that.” 

 

“Definitely,” Dan said, “I was really looking forward to that experience.” 

 

“God will provide,” Phil said. “He always does.” 

 

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Dan followed Phil as they walked back to their campus and towards the chapel. 

 

“Hey Kelly!” Phil greeted warmly to the freckled girl. 

 

“Hi Phil! Thanks so much again for your help with the book club. Zoe says thank you.” 

 

“Of course! Aren’t you guys holding another meeting today?” 

 

“Yep!” 

 

“Mind if Dan and I drop in for a visit?” 

 

“Oooh, you might need to talk to Zoe about that. But I’m sure it’ll be no problem with her, especially since you helped her set up the schedules and all that.” 

 

“Definitely!” 

 

Dan waved a bit shyly to Kelly, who just grinned and waved back, as he and Phil entered the chapel and went up to the balcony. Once again, it was only the two of them up there. 

 

“How come no one else ever comes in here?” 

 

“They don’t like the overwhelming scent of the candles from the chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. The smell usually ends up over here because of the air conditioning.” 

 

“So that’s why it always smells like Bed Bath and Body Works here.” 

 

Phil chuckled, pulling down the kneelers and kneeling down at the pew to pray. 

 

“Doesn’t it hurt kneeling like that?” 

 

“Depends on how comfy the kneeler is,” Phil answered quietly. “Most times it’s alright, but during some conventions I’ve been to, we had to kneel on carpet or hardwood floor for the longest time during Adoration.” 

 

“Adoration? I’ve heard of that. What is it?” 

 

“It’s basically when the Eucharist is exposed out in a shiny thing called a monstrance, and you just kneel or sit or stand and just adore Jesus. It’s quite beautiful actually, especially in some Catholic conferences for young people, they have a band playing this awesome music in the background.” 

 

“That sounds kinda boring though, wouldn’t you think? Just staring at a piece of Jesus?” 

 

“It’s not boring, I promise you. It’s an amazing experience and it really changes you.” 

 

“Does it really?” Dan asked critically. 

 

“It really does. Some people even pass out, burst into tears, so much emotion going on, it’s crazy.” 

 

Dan’s eyebrows furrowed. Crying? Passing out? “I dunno, maybe they’re just acting or got so caught up in the moment or something. It sounds like some of these people are being a bit overdramatic.” 

 

“Or it could be the work of God.” 

 

“But is it? Like I said, some people are wacky and delusional. What if these instances just prove that?” 

 

Phil shook his head. “God touches hearts, and He changes ordinary people and makes them extraordinary, His own people.” 

 

“I don’t know,” Dan said unsurely. 

 

Phil bowed his head over his folded hands. He was silent for a few minutes until he finally got up from the kneeler, making a sign of the Cross, and sat down next to Dan. 

 

“I Am Second.” 

 

“What?” Dan turned his head to look at Phil. 

 

“I Am Second,” he repeated. “It’s a youtube channel. If you want some personal experiences and witnesses of people who have found God, watch a few videos on there.” 

 

Dan blinked at Phil, but before he could conjure a response, everyone stood and piano music oozed into the church. 

 

Mass went on uneventful as usual. As expected, Dan had zoned out during the first half of the service, staring at the chandeliers and all of the people sitting below him and Phil in the body of the church. However, as Mass continued, Dan found his mind becoming more and more serene. He didn’t know if it was the calming vibes of the church, the relaxing music and singing, or the vibrant presence of Phil sitting next to him. Maybe it was a mixture of the three, the latter weighing a little more than the other two. 

 

“You seem to be enjoying it now,” Phil commented quietly during the homily.

 

“It’s nice,” Dan said. “It’s kinda like a mind refresher almost, I guess.” 

 

Phil smiled. “I’m glad to hear that. You should listen to the homily.” 

 

“I should?” 

 

“Yeah, it’ll probably answer that ‘Why is there evil in this world?’ question you had for me.” 

 

Dan shrugged and decided to tune in to what this priest was on about. 

 

“So what is the message Jesus is trying to send us here? Let’s look at it in the simplest way possible: God is the master, the wheat is the good in this world, and the weeds are the evil in this world. Does the master immediately have his servants rid of the weeds? No, he doesn’t. Why? Because He might risk pulling the wheat with it. 

 

“Does God destroy every evil thing out there in this world? Obviously not. I mean, look around us, there is still evil very present in this world. However, God does not want us, the servants, to worry about that. We cannot change the world, it is not OUR job to wipe out all evil from the universe. 

 

“So why doesn’t God wipe out all the evil? Well, because humans are a little more complicated than black and white. We all have good and evil inside us, and it is our job to nourish the good. Just like what the master told his servants to do: take care of the wheats and I will handle the weeds later during the harvest . 

 

“God wants us to focus on the good and project our good into the world. He says ‘Don’t worry about the evil, I’ll take care of it.’ And when harvest comes, what does the master do to the wheat? Bundles it up for kindling. 

 

“Now in those days, there was no heating system. There was no way to keep warm in the house and there were no trees around anywhere for wood. So the master makes good use out of something inherently bad. This is what God does to the evil in the world. Let Him make good out of the evil. Let Him change people’s hearts. Let HIM handle it.

 

“And our job is to simply be good and take care of the good. Amen.” 

 

A chorus of “Amen” sounded throughout the church. 

 

“Well?” Phil asked expectantly. 

 

“Well what?” Dan deadpanned. 

 

“What did you think?” 

 

“I don’t know, I don’t really have anything to say.” 

 

Phil frowned. 

 

“I need to go outside for a little,” Dan mumbled, rising from his seat and heading downstairs and out of the church building again. 

 

He looked up at the night sky and his heart felt cold and tight in his chest. For some reason, he was angry at the sky. 

 

“You’ll take care of the evil in this world, huh? Where were you when Grant was so close to killing himself after those fucking boys from choir beat him up for months?! What do you have to say for that, God?!” Dan raged at the sky. 

 

The sky continued on being the sky, saying nothing as the stars kept glittering and the clouds passed by. 

 

“Fuck this.” 

 

“Dan! Wait!” 

 

“God damn it Phil!” Dan shouted, spinning his whole body around and glaring at the man who got him into this whole mess. “Don’t even try dragging me back in there.” 

 

“Why are you so angry?” Phil asked, taking a step closer to Dan. 

 

“Because what that priest said is literally all bullshit!” 

 

“What?!” Phil’s eyes seemed to pop out of their sockets. “I thought it’d answer your question!” 

 

“That’s the stupidest fucking answer I’ve ever heard,” Dan retorted, face now red. 

 

_ “God will take care of the evil,”  _ Dan scoffed.  __ “That’s a load of crap.” 

 

“What’s gotten into you?” Phil questioned in disbelief. “I can’t believe you’re saying all of this!” 

 

“Well what do you fucking expect?” Dan laughed bitterly. “You think that answer was going to finally satisfy me, like it’ll make me believe in your god now? No fucking thanks.” 

 

“Don’t walk away from me!” Phil shouted. 

 

“Newsflash, Phil: I don’t care.” Dan marched away from Phil and that goddamn chapel building. 


	6. You're Gonna Be Okay

_ 3 years ago.  _

 

_ “I like you, Dan Howell.”  _

 

_ He blinked in shock. This couldn’t be real; it  _ wasn’t  _ real. Dan never thought that the boy of his dreams would ever like him back, but he did.  _

 

_ “Yes,” Dan replied without hesitation. “Yes, yes, a million times yes!” He couldn’t help the smile growing on his face until he was practically beaming.  _

 

_ Grant smiled back at him, reaching for Dan’s hand and lacing their fingers together. “You seem really really happy about this. I’m glad.”  _

 

_ They swung their links hands as they walked out of the church building, Dan’s heart beating like a butterfly’s wings, his smile as wide as the ocean.  _

 

_ The sun was hovering slightly above the horizon when Dan heard the familiar sniggering. How could he mistake that wretched sound? He felt Grant’s hand tighten around his.  _

 

_ “Well, well, well,” a cocky voice materialized from behind them.  _

 

_ He and Grant slowly turned around, finding themselves facing the same boys from their choir. They towered over them menacingly like wolves preparing to pounce on their vulnerable prey.  _

 

_ “Looks like it’s true. We have some fags plaguing our choir,” the boy in the middle, who appeared to be the leader of the gang, sneered.  _

 

_ “Disgusting,” one boy spat.  _

 

_ “How dare you even look at us in the face,” the boy leader jeered. “You’re worthless and pathetic. I hope you both rot in hell along with Satan and the other dykes and fairies he keeps hold in there.”  _

 

_ Dan lunged for the boy, having heard enough, but Grant pulled him back.  _

 

_ “STOP IT!” Grant protested, restraining a cursing Dan.  _

 

_ “Aww, did we make the little gay boy angry?” The boy leader asked derisively.  _

 

_ “Did we hurt your precious boyfriend’s wittle feelings?” Another boy added in mockingly.  _

 

_ “YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!” Dan barked, only for Grant to restrain him again.  _

 

_ “DAN! Come on!” Grant pleaded, holding Dan close to him and leading him away from the rest of the choir boys, who were tossing more insults and threats at them.  _

 

_ It took everything inside Dan to keep walking, instead focusing on the warmth of Grant’s arms wrapped around him.  _

  
  


_ ~  _

  
  


_ The choir boys’ antagonizing only got worse.  _

 

_ Dan should’ve told someone. He should have fucking told someone.  _

 

_ “We’ll be fine, it’s not that serious,” Grant reassured as he and Dan profusely avoided reacting to the balled up papers and crinkled snack wrappers being thrown at them.  _

 

_ “I’m scared that this’ll only get worse,” Dan argued. “Please, let me tell someone. The choir teacher, my parents, your parents, someone!”  _

 

_ Grant shook his head. “They only want a reaction out of us. If we don’t give them that, then they’ll leave us alone.”  _

 

_ “But what if they don’t?” Dan pressed. “What if they just keep bullying us to the point where-”  _

 

_ “Nothing is going to happen,” Grant interrupted. “I promise.”  _

 

_ Dan gave Grant an uncertain and very scared look, but he decided to throw fate into the wind and keep his mouth shut for his boyfriend.  _

 

_ “Okay,” Dan relented, “but only for you.”  _

 

_ Grant smiled, wrapping his arms around Dan. “I have something for you, by the way.”  _

 

_ Dan pulled away and looked at his boyfriend quizzically. “What?” _

 

_ Beaming, Grant took off the Crucifix necklace around his neck and put it around Dan. “Happy one month anniversary!”  _

 

_ Dan giggled, feeling the chain wrapped around his neck fondly. “You dork. Happy one month anniversary.” _

  
  


_ ~  _

  
  


_ It had been six months. Dan could tell that the boys were practically sucking the life out of Grant. His boyfriend was a walking corpse, and he could only stand there and watch.  _

 

_ Everytime Grant would sob into his shoulder, Dan would feel helpless because he knew he promised not to say anything. It didn’t matter; it’s not like anyone would care if he did tell anyway.  _

 

_ What broke Dan’s heart more however was weeks later when Grant would stop crying and instead have these empty broken eyes. They would come home to Dan’s empty house with bruises and scraped skin and this time Dan would be the one crying. Grant would hug him, his eyes sad yet vacant at the same time.  _

 

_ The physical assaults started to escalate and Dan became scared out of his mind. He would jump at every little sound he heard, whether it was the thudding footsteps of his father coming home from work really late or a car roaring past his house.  _

 

_ One time his father was watching an action movie downstairs in the living room and he could hear the fighting scene going on. Dan would have a panic attack, sitting up in his bed with eyes wide open and sweat dampening his skin as he quickly grabbed his phone and called Grant, choking on his sobs and hiccupping to him over the call.  _

 

_ What kept Dan going was the Crucifix necklace laying proudly below his neck. _

 

_ “I’m sorry I’m putting you through this,” Dan mumbled, wrapping the blanket around him more securely. “I don’t know if I can take this any longer. We  _ need  _ to tell someone.”  _

 

_ “No,” Grant said with a rush of strong emotion that Dan hadn’t heard in a while, “we’re not going to give in. We’re going to fight peacefully. We’re going to do this for us.”  _

 

_ Dan stared at the airplane mobile hanging from his ceiling. He mustered up the last bit of strength in him and bobbed his head up and down determinedly. “Okay.”  _

  
  


_ ~ _

  
  


_ There wasn’t a lot of fight left in them, but they were willing to endure the bashings and the jeering from the choir boys so they could hold hands and smile at each other encouragingly. They really were unbreakable for the longest time.  _

 

_ Another month later, Dan never noticed the change in his sleeping habits, how he’d always oversleep to the point where the breaks between his naps during the day shortened to around thirty minutes of dullness until he decided to nap again, how he’d just lay in his bed all night with destructive thoughts in his head while staring at his airplane mobile hanging from the ceiling, and this constant dull pain weighing down in his chest.  _

 

_ It sucked, but Dan let himself have it. At least he wasn’t alone in his misery. Whenever Grant was over, there was no more laughing and giggling; instead there were sad movie marathons, depressing jokes about life and death, and a whole lot of crying and empty stares. The silences between them were too sad to be awkward; they were just quiet.  _

 

_ And for some reason, Grant was still keen on not telling anyone about the bullying. Whether it was still because he didn’t want to give into the choir boys or because he just gave up in general, Dan wasn’t certain. He was betting on the latter.  _

 

_ In the past few weeks, the gossip that Dan and Grant were dating spread from choir into the school, and then the church, and then the whole town. They would receive dirty looks in church now when they were singing, Dan would catch his name in whispered conversations around him at school, and soon his father started to act differently around him too.  _

 

_ It started with his dad coming home many nights with brand new clothes that were, to put it simply, more  _ masculine  _ according to society. First it was baggy jeans, then caps that looked like they belonged on some sketchy weed guy’s head, and then rugby jerseys.  _

 

_ Dan wasn’t oblivious. He knew that his father was trying to quiet all of the buzz about him being gay. Dan couldn’t care any less. Instead, he just went home from school, took a five hour nap, and then woke up at around midnight when he heard his dad close the door loudly when coming home from work. And then he’d proceed to stare at the ceiling, sometimes calling Grant at around 3 am and just spilling out all of his emotions.  _

 

_ Grant would listen patiently to his rambles, occasionally giving a hum of understanding to let Dan know that he was still listening. Then he’d offer Dan some encouraging words, telling him to not give up. Dan smiled a bit and grazed his fingers lightly over the necklace he wore. It was always a source of comfort for him.  _

 

_ Dan hadn’t noticed that he stopped praying as well. Before he royally screwed up his sleep schedule, he would always pray to God before falling asleep. It wasn’t anything special or super fancy, and it was definitely not one of those cheesy made up bedtime prayers he and his younger brother Noah would always recite when they were little. It was more like he was talking to an old friend or a grandparent, thanking God for anything good that happened today.  _

 

_ Now all Dan would do once he crawled into bed was stare and think. He didn’t even bother going on his phone. Reading anything to make him fall asleep was pointless, and he deleted all of his social media to avoid getting more waves of messages from random people telling him to kill himself or that he’ll go to hell.  _

 

_ More weeks would blur together until time was a foreign concept to Dan. That was until one day Grant came to choir rehearsal with freshly cut and dyed hair. Black hair with shaven sides and a curly mop at the top replaced his long wavy brown mane. It was quite a shocking difference, but he looked good.  _

 

_ Grant grinned at him. “Do you like it?”  _

 

_ “I do,” Dan replied, still gawking at the stylish semi-mohawk his boyfriend was now sporting. “Why the sudden change in hairstyle?”  _

 

_ The now black-haired boy shrugged. “Just wanted something different, I guess. Life is short as it is, may as well be the person you want to be now rather than wait for later.”  _

 

_ Dan nodded. “Very true.”  _

 

_ “Nice hair cut, faggot.”  _

 

_ And so hell resumed.  _

 

_ Grant and Dan were on their way back to Dan’s house when they felt shadows overlooming them again. Dan could feel his heart rate starting to speed up.  _

 

_ “Looks like homo number one over here decided to change up his look,” the gang leader sneered. “How about we add some black bruises to your new look?”  _

 

_ Grant shot Dan a ‘don’t do anything’ look and squinted his eyes shut. Dan shut his eyes as well as he let the first fist collide with his stomach.  _

  
  


_ ~  _

  
  


_ Dan should have seen it coming, all of the signs were there.  _

 

_ First it was Grant “lending” him the majority of his clothes. It escalated to more prized possessions, like Grant’s old photo albums and jewelry. Hell, he even gave Dan his old favorite pair of shoes.  _

 

_ Then Grant started to distance himself. He would flinch when Dan tried to pull him in for a hug, or he would avoid making eye contact with him. When Dan reached for his hand, Grant would pull away. It created cracks in Dan’s already fragile heart.  _

 

_ Finally, it was the night where Dan decided to completely power off his phone and just sob. He didn’t want to burden Grant with his obsessive crying and emotion spilling tonight. Instead, he just wanted to be by himself and wallow in his own self-pity and self-hatred and pure misery.  _

 

_ Grant didn’t come over that night, which definitely didn’t help. He said he had to work on a project for school and he didn’t want any distractions.  _

 

_ “I’ll see you tomorrow?” Dan asked.  _

 

_ Grant gave him a small crack of a smile and pulled him into a big hug. Dan savored it and wrapped his arms around him, almost crying because it felt like forever since Grant last hugged him.  _

 

_ The black-haired boy finally pulled away, eyes glassy for some reason.  _

 

_ “I love you. Goodbye.”  _

 

_ He gave Grant grant a small wave before the black-haired boy trudged home, not looking back. _

 

_ That night, Dan swam through his pool of thoughts as he stared up at the airplane mobile for what seemed like the millionth time. He always wondered what it’d be like to fly. He could simply jump from his window and soar up into the night sky away from the world, where no one could hurt him. He’d be free.  _

 

_ With that small comforting image in his head, Dan finally fell asleep at 3:15 AM.  _

  
  


_ ~  _

  
  


_ When Dan walked into school the next day, he could immediately tell something was off. He powered on his phone, recoiling slightly at the bright screen that shined after holding his thumb on the power button.  _

 

_ Needless to say, Dan was very puzzled to see nearly 15 missed calls from Grant last night.  _

 

_ “Weird,” Dan mumbled to himself as he pulled down his hoodie and opened up his phone, calling Grant.  _

 

_ It rung three times. He didn’t answer.  _

 

_ Dan simply shrugged and continued on with his day. Sliding into his desk in homeroom, he was even more confused to see the empty desk next to him where Grant usually sat. Weird.  _

 

_ A brash clang rang from above the classroom, causing everyone to cover their ears and groan. It was the intercom.  _

 

_ “All homeroom teachers, please lead all of your students to the gym immediately for an assembly,” the principal’s voice blared messily through the grainy intercom system.  _

 

_ When the entire school piled into the gym, the principal appeared at the center of the gym with only a microphone, a few police officers, and professional looking woman dressed in crisp business clothing. The principal tapped on the microphone a few times, quieting everyone.  _

 

_ “Students,” she started, her voice booming through the gym, “today we are having an assembly to talk about something important.”  _

 

_ A flood of whispers materialized but the principal tapped on the microphone again, silencing the students once more.  _

 

_ “Last night we received some alarming news of attempted suicide by a boy who goes to this school.”  _

 

_ There were audible gasps, more whispers, and some even just bursting out into frantic talking amongst their friends. Dan couldn’t think straight. He just sat there, completely frozen.  _

 

_ Was it Grant? Oh god, he hoped not. Feeling the phone in his pocket, he felt his eyes become watery and his lip started to tremble slightly.  _

 

_ “QUIET!” The principal shouted, getting everyone’s attention. “We are aware that this is a highly sensitive issue, which is why we have Dr. Aida, a professional therapist, to come speak with us today.”  _

 

_ Dan couldn’t take it any longer. He didn’t want to listen to this woman’s speech, he just wanted to make sure that it wasn’t  _ Grant  _ who attempted the suicide.  _

 

_ He didn’t care about all the eyes glued on his back as he pointedly stood up from his seat and rushed out of the gym. He heard footsteps behind him, probably a teacher, so he ran quickly.  _

 

_ He barged through the main office entrance and into the parking lot, tears welling up in his eyes and his heart pumping wildly in his chest. He looked up how to get to the hospital on his phone, deciding that a 15 minute walk was undoubtedly worth seeing Grant.  _

 

_ Fuck school. _

  
  


_ ~  _

  
  


_ He arrived at the hospital.  _

 

_ Not even thinking about how he looked to the slightly surprised nurse at the counter, he simply mumbled, “Is Grant Gurrier here?”  _

 

_ The nurse checked the computer in front of her then nodded. “Yes, Grant Gurrier is here. But unfortunately, his parents refuse to let him see anyone.”  _

 

_ Dan wouldn’t take no for answer. He shook his head wildly. “No, no, I have to see him. He’s my best friend, he’s everything I have, please.” _

 

_ The nurse gave him a pitiful look. “I’m sorry, dear. There’s nothing I can do. If you want, you can talk to Mister and Missus Gurrier over there and ask for permission.”  _

 

_ Dan turned his head to look at the couple. Missus Gurrier looked to be around her late 40s, her face very aged beyond that. Meanwhile, Mister Gurrier had a stone cold face contrasting his wife, who had eyes as fragile as glass.  _

 

_ He let out a small breath and slowly approached the old couple, frantically trying to put himself together.  _

 

_ “Excuse me?” Dan said tentatively, catching the Gurriers’ attention. “Are you Grant’s parents?”  _

 

_ “Y-Yes,” Mrs. Gurrier whimpered, dabbing at the corner of her eyes with a handkerchief.  _

 

_ “What do you want, boy?” Mr. Gurrier asked harshly.  _

 

_ “To see your son.”  _

 

_ “No,” Mr. Gurrier replied coldly. “You will not see my son. It is because of  _ you  _ that he’s in this mess.”  _

 

_ A frown started to form on his face, his eyes becoming damp again.  _

 

_ “Please,” Dan whispered.  _

 

_ Mr. Gurrier stood up, towering over him menacingly. His hands were balled into fists. Dan really thought he was going to punch him, even closing his eyes preparing for the blow, but when he opened his eyes, Mr. Gurrier was gone. He turned to Mrs. Gurrier with a pleading look.  _

 

_ Her eyes met his, and it was like she could see right into him.  _

 

_ “If you say anything about me letting you visit him, I will deny it and you’ll be in more trouble than you think,” she whispered. “Now go. Room 307 down the left hallway.”  _

 

_ “Thank you,” Dan breathed out gratefully, practically running past the confused nurses and doctors. He arrived at Room 307.  _

 

_ Five minutes passed with Dan just staring at the door, his mind still whirring with a million different thoughts. He finally mustered the courage to knock on the door.  _

 

_ “Come in,” a weak voice sounded from the other side.  _

 

_ Dan carefully opened up the door and his face quickly dropped at the sight of Grant, paler than a sheet, laying in his hospital bed.  _

 

_ “Oh my god,” Dan said shakily as he ran towards Grant, finally letting out his sobs on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.”  _

 

_ Dan trembled as he reluctantly pulled away from Grant, his face all red and his eyes slightly scrunched up, not even trying to keep the rest of his tears out anymore.  _

 

_ “How are you doing?” Grant asked, his voice strangely calm.  _

 

_ “How am I- How am  _ I  _ doing?! I should be asking  _ you  _ that! Not the other way around!”  _

 

_ Grant shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”  _

 

_ “No, please, I shouldn’t have turned off my-”  _

 

_ “Dan, stop,” Grant said firmly, causing Dan’s words to die in his throat.  _

 

_ Dan stopped.  _

 

_ “I just,” Grant shrugged, “I was so fed up. All of the messages, all of the physical abuse, my parents being disappointed in me. I couldn’t take it. It’s like my whole life revolved around people bringing me down for who I was. I thought I could be strong. But I’m not. I’m such a coward like everyone says.”  _

 

_ “You’re not a coward,” Dan interrupted. “You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever known.”  _

 

_ “Try telling that to a guy who’s in a hospital for almost killing himself, Dan!” Grant shouted, his face completely broken. “I don’t know how to keep going. I don’t have anything left.”  _

 

_ Dan shook his head, his throat constricting more and more by the minute. “Don’t say that.”  _

 

_ Silence passed between them for a while.  _

 

_ “It’s so stupid,” Grant laughed miserably, “how God made me to like boys, but people consider it a sin. Aren’t we all made in the image and likeness of God? If that’s the truth, then why am I considered a disgrace to my family?”  _

 

_ Dan shook his head once more, rendered speechless. “I don’t know. Maybe God doesn’t exist.”  _

 

_ Grant said nothing, his eyes fixated on the small Crucifix necklace in his hand. “My mom gave this to me when I got to the hospital.”  _

 

_ Suddenly, Dan felt something inside him snap. He turned to look at the Crucifix in Grant’s hands, his eyes turning stone cold.  _

 

_ “I’m too dangerous for you.”  _

 

_ Grant looked up at him with wide eyes. “What do you mean?”  _

 

_ “I can’t be around you anymore. I’m sorry, I just-” He stood up, making his way to the door.  _

 

_ “Wait! Don’t leave!”  _

 

_ Dan didn’t listen, instead exiting Room 307 and running down the hallway. He ran through the lobby, and out of the hospital.  _

 

_ He wasn’t thinking again. He looked around him wildly, his mind racing in a million different directions.  _

__

_ He ran.  _

 

_ He didn’t know where to or in what direction, but anywhere away from this goddamn school and this goddamn town.  _

 

_ Dan finally reached an open grassy area and yelled. He screamed and shouted, hoping he could banish the pain from inside him.  _

 

_ “FUCK!” He ripped at the grass, kicked at it, punched the earth until his knuckles were red and sore. He buried his head in the ground, wishing to just die.  _

 

_ He wanted to die.  _

 

_ Slowly the tears came out. One drop crawled down his face and dropped onto the dirt below him. Then it was two, then three, then it was a whole ocean pooling down his cheeks.  _

 

_ He couldn’t care less that his hair and uniform were covered in dirt. He didn’t care.  _

 

_ Dan slowly lifted his head out of the ground, feeling Grant’s Crucifix necklace burning against his chest. He shucked it off of his neck and threw it in the ground, stomping on it.  _

 

_ “FUCK. YOU!” Dan hissed. He look up at the sky in rage. “IS THIS HOW YOU TREAT YOUR CHILDREN, GOD? WELL SOME LOVING FATHER YOU ARE. YOU’RE NO BETTER THAN MY OWN FATHER!”  _

 

_ Dan breathed heavily. He couldn’t stop screaming at the sky.  _

 

_ “IF THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR BEING A FUCKING CATHOLIC, THEN I WANT OUT!”  _

 

_ His throat now sore, he picked up the dirty necklace from the ground and threw it. He turned away, not even bothering to see where it landed.  _

 

_ “Fuck Christianity. Looks like I can only trust myself now.”  _

 

_ With a heavy heart, Dan walked away from the grassy field and ran.  _

 

_ He didn’t know what his destination was; he just ran.  _


	7. We Dance

_ “I experienced abused as a kid, I experienced neglect… I don’t fit in anywhere… I’m just this misfit of a person… My mother was like you just need to read your Bible… and I remember ripping the pages out of the Bible and throwing it on the floor… just couldn’t wrap my hands around this being true this being real…”  _

 

The door swung open and banged against the wall, causing Dan to jump a bit and slam his laptop closed. 

 

“Salutations, roommate,” Jude said garishly, dropping his heavy backpack on his desk and diving onto his bed, burying his head in a pillow and sighing. 

 

“Jesus. Knock next time, why don’t you?” Dan muttered, cautiously opening up his laptop and quickly closing out of the Youtube tab. 

 

“What? Am I not allowed to freely walk to and fro my dorm?” Jude replied derisively, turning to lay on his back and look across from Dan, his eyes knowing. “By the way, I found these on my way home.” Two packs of condoms and a small packet of lube hit Dan’s face. 

 

“What the fuck, Jude?!” Dan angrily tossed the packets back to his cackling roommate. 

 

“Just thought you’d need them! You look like you need some action with how cranky you’ve been.” 

 

“Piss off,” Dan mumbled as Jude rolled his eyes and opened up Dan’s bedside drawer and tossed the packets inside. 

 

“What were you watching?” Jude questioned.

 

“Nothing of your business, Ascott.” 

 

“Is that so?” The sound of two feet thudding across the hardwood floor and towards him made Dan slightly on edge. He met his roommate’s piercing blue eyes, a stark contrast to Phil’s soft ones, and stared back at him defiantly. 

 

“I’m going for a walk,” Dan closed his laptop once more, shoved it off of his lap, and slid into his toms, marching out of his dorm. 

 

The flowers really were beautiful in the little Mary garden. Everything felt so serene whenever he was around nature. Relieved that there were no other students there, Dan gladly sat down on one of the tiny cement benches facing toward the small humble fountain with a stone statue of Mary sat upon the center platform. Her face was less stony and more kind. 

 

“Are you coming in, Dan?” A friendly voice asked. 

 

Dan shook himself out of his stupor and saw Kelly. Even if he thought the girl was a bit too enthusiastic about life and God, he had to admit that she was a nice person to be around and always had a warm smile ready to offer to anyone. 

 

“Hi.” 

 

Kelly walked up to Dan and gave him a welcoming hug. “How are you? I’m surprised you’re not with Phil.” 

 

“Oh yeah,” Dan nodded, “erm, Phil and I are kinda not on speaking terms?” 

 

A frown formed on her freckled face. “Aw oh no, what happened?” 

 

Dan shrugged measly, hoping Kelly would let go of the topic, but her focused eyes said the opposite. He decided it was better to give in now than waste his energy on hopelessly trying to change the subject. 

 

“Phil tried to take me to Mass on Sunday and I felt super uncomfortable halfway through so I left and Phil kinda got mad and now I’m here.” 

 

“Aw man,” Kelly sighed, “don’t worry too much about it, okay? If you’re uncomfortable, you’re uncomfortable. Simple as that.” 

 

“I wish Phil could understand that,” Dan said under his breath. 

 

“Phil’s a really persistent person who gets frustrated when things don’t get his way,” Kelly explained. “I don’t know if he ever told you about when he first came to uni, but if you find out, you’ll probably be more understanding.” 

 

Dan resisted the urge to groan and just faked a resemblance of a smile. “I’ll think about it. It’s not like Phil and I are gonna be in a huge fight forever.” 

 

“I sure do hope not,” Kelly laughed, turning her head briefly towards the chapel building. “Well, whenever you’re ready, these doors are always open.” 

 

She gave Dan one final smile before heading inside, her brown ponytail waving behind her. 

 

Dan took one look at the Crucifix mural displayed at the entrance and found himself tensing up. 

 

He turned his back on the chapel and walked away; now wasn’t the time. 

  
  


~ 

  
  


**Message from Phil:**

 

**hey I know ur mad at me but can we meet at Starbucks in a few minutes?**

 

Dan stared at the text message for too long, calculating his thoughts. 

 

On one hand, he really liked Phil and being in his company when they weren’t focusing on Catholic stuff felt good. On the other hand, Dan didn’t think he could survive another session with him. He felt wringed out of patience. 

 

Before Dan could make a conscious decision, his feet had already started walking out of the campus and down the street towards the coffee shop. 

 

The scent of coffee embraced him as he entered Starbucks. It wasn’t hard to find Phil in their usual two-seat table next to the window. He was staring through the glass plane, appearing lost in his own thoughts. 

 

Phil finally took his eyes off of the window when Dan’s chair scraped on the floor as he took a seat across from him. 

 

“I wasn’t sure if you were actually gonna come,” Phil said with a tentative smile. 

 

Dan was tempted to smile back, but he kept his face expressionless. “Why did you really bring me here?” 

 

Phil’s smile dropped and he cleared his throat. “Well, er, I’ve been going a bit hard on you about all of this. I’m sorry.” 

 

“You have,” Dan acknowledged. 

 

“But I’m not going to give up,” Phil shook his head and his eyes met Dan’s. “And neither is God.” 

 

Dan rolled his eyes. “Cut the crap already, Phil. I don’t think I can do this.” 

 

“Are you going to give up that easily?” Phil asked incredulously. 

 

“Okay, technically it was you who brought this upon me and yourself, so don’t go putting the blame on me when you know this is your fault,” Dan snapped. “I’m tired of playing these mind games. I’m exhausted.” 

 

Phil bit his lip, lowering his head and his thumbs twiddling madly. “Please don’t give up. I know I’m not good at this, but you’re all I have left to prove that I’m worthy.

 

“I… I wasn’t the best person when I came here. And the only way I can ever make it all up is to help people see that God is good,” Phil continued shakily, his voice almost a whisper. “But.. But I totally get it if you want nothing to do with me anymore. I just wanted to do something good in this world for once and not screw things up.” 

 

Dan watched as Phil squeezed his eyes shut and his hands started trembling. He couldn’t help but feel like a dick again. He hated seeing people cry, especially those who were close to him. 

 

Phil finally lifted his head. His eyes were damp but they were holding back the evident tears very well. His entire upper body seemed stiff and tense. His face said it all. 

 

“I’ll think about it, alright?” 

 

“Okay. Take your time.” 

  
  


~ 

  
  


Dan trudged back to his dorm, his feet like cinder blocks clacking heavily on the dark grey carpet. When he entered his empty room as usual, his face lightened up at the crisp white envelope on his dark wooden desk. 

 

He snatched up the letter and made quick to open it, unfolding the worn inked paper and letting his eyes scan through the welcoming handwriting of his mother. 

  
  


**Dear Dan,**

 

**How are you my dear? I hope you are doing well. I enjoyed reading your letter, seeing your barely legible handwriting reminds me of home. Never forget that you can always find home in the simplest of things, whether it be a letter or an old childhood trinket like that music box Noah had.**

 

**Always remember that grandma and Noah are rooting for you up in Heaven, darling. Keep your heart strong as I’m unable to be there for you during this rough time you seem to be having. I love you so. Remember that God believes in you, even if you don’t believe in Him.**

 

**Much love and kisses.**

 

**Blessings,**

**Mum**

 

Dan smiled and ran his fingers across the words fondly, his heart aching once more. He folded up the letter and slipped it under his pillow. He sped through his night routine, not even bothering putting on pyjama pants and simply pulling off his jeans and slipping into bed, his last thought of him hugging his mum before drifting off to sleep. 

  
  


~

  
  


**_YOUTH RALLY SIGN-UPS HERE!_ **

 

**_SEE KELLY FERRELL OR ZOE SUGG MORE INFO_ **

  
  


“What’s a Youth Rally?” Dan asked, staring at the poster hung up behind the booth Kelly and Zoe were manning. . 

 

“It’s this awesome conference for young Catholic teens! It’s an amazing experience that will really rejuvenate your faith,” Zoe explained as she handed another freshman a flier. 

 

“You should join!” Kelly said with a grin. “Phil always goes every year with us. And we definitely have room to squeeze you in.” 

 

“Just because Phil is going doesn’t mean I want to go,” Dan deadpanned. 

 

Kelly gave Dan an unconvinced look, handing Dan a flier. “Whatever you say,” she said. “But for real, don’t feel like you need to go. Join if you want to, we’ll be glad to have you!” 

 

Dan nodded faintly, his eyes on the flier. “Thanks Kelly, thanks Zoe.” 

 

“No problem!” They both responded. 

  
  


~

  
  


“So how’s Catholic school going for you?” Mercer asked teasingly through the phone. 

 

“Come off it,” Dan snapped. “It’s okay, I guess. Still kinda sick of people trying to push their beliefs on me, but I’ll survive.” 

 

“That’s rough,” Mercer replied. “Wish you were here with us, man. Jannina and I are having a right good time.” 

 

“Yeah, as if I’ll enjoy being stuck with you and her banging in the RV twenty-four seven while I drive.” 

 

“Hey! You would too if you had someone to bang! Speaking of…” Dan could practically hear his friend’s smirk through the speaker. 

 

“Shut the hell up, you.” 

 

“Is it hell, now? Has Catholic school softened your vocabulary, Howell?” Mercer teased lightly. 

 

“Whatever. And no, Mercer, I haven’t found myself someone to fuck,” Dan replied scathingly, making sure to emphasize the last word. “Even with a skull as dense as yours, surely you can figure out that I probably wouldn’t get a boyfriend in a Catholic school.” 

 

“Aww boohoo.” 

 

“Shut up,” Dan rolled his eyes. “I’m just tired. This is emotionally draining me, for real.” 

 

Mercer sighed through the phone. “I’m sorry, dude. I wish there was something I can do to help. I know it’s probably been really rough on you.” 

 

Dan nods mutely, feeling tears well up in his eyes. “Yeah,” he managed to breathe out. 

 

“Hey, are you crying?” Mercer asked tentatively. 

 

“Maybe.” 

 

“Dan…” 

 

“There’s nothing you could probably do to stop it anyways. You’re halfway across the world.” 

 

“I know,” Mercer said defeatedly. “You got this, though. You’re strong enough to handle this. Just do what feels right and shit.” 

 

“Thanks,” Dan mumbled out, his forearm slung above his eyes to block out the glaring ceiling fan lights. 

 

“I gotta go now, Jannina’s up for round two. Call me if you need anything?” 

 

“Yep,” Dan replied plainly, not even bothering to say a proper goodbye before ending the call and laying in the silence of his dorm. As he rolled over on his bed, he felt the familiar crinkle of paper underneath his pillow and his heart warmed up a bit. 

 

He slid his hand under the pillow and felt the smooth envelope with the tips of his fingers. Dan sighed and clutched the paper in his hand, holding onto the words it held tightly. His mind wandered back to the Youth Rally and Phil, how his mum would probably coerce him into going, just as she did with every other religious event in his childhood. Strangely, he missed that feeling. Internally shaking his head to himself, Dan decided it wouldn’t hurt to check it out. But only for his mum. 

  
  


~

 

Kelly’s mouth formed into the shape of a small egg when Dan handed his filled out form to her. 

 

“You sure you want to do this? It’s really intense,” Kelly said. 

 

“I’m sure.” Dan pushed the paper closer to Kelly, raising an eyebrow. 

 

“Alright,” she said slowly, taking the form from Dan. “but feel free to back out at anytime if you feel uncomfortable.” 

 

Dan nodded. “Thanks.” 

 

He paced around the campus aimlessly. It was a Saturday and Dan had absolutely nothing to do, so he decided to venture out of the school for a bit, needing some time off from the university. 

 

Walking around the city, Dan absorbed the life of normal people with normal lives. 

 

There was a family of five ogling at toys from the window. 

 

There was a small girl petting a friendly woman’s corgi puppy. 

 

There were two men holding hands and chatting happily, leaning into each other and smiling warmly.

 

Sure, his fellow classmates on campus were also normal, but he felt safe away from the world of religious traditions and beliefs. It felt free and filled his heart with adrenaline. 

 

For the first time in his life, he didn’t feel weighed down by anything. His chest felt strangely lighter and he felt more alive.

 

_ Is this what a life free of religion and harassment feels like?  _

  
  


~ 

  
  


The Youth Rally was nothing like Dan expected. There were thousands of teens that could compete with the number of people at concerts. Everyone was dressed in active clothing, chattering excitedly amongst each other. Dan could feel the positive upbeat energy radiating from all of them. Or maybe it was the fact that Phil was standing right next to him. 

 

“It’s loud!” Dan pointed out, shouting slightly so he could be heard. 

 

“It is, it’s like people are lining up for a huge tour concert or something!” Phil replied. 

 

“How long is this?!” Dan asked loudly as he had his ears covered. 

 

“It should last the whole day, if I’m gonna be honest!” 

 

Dan thought he was gonna throw up. 

 

“You’ll be fine!” Phil yelled reassuringly. “Trust me!” 

 

“ST. LEO UNIVERSITY GROUP, THIS WAY PLEASE! YOU MAY NOW ENTER THE VENUE HALL!” 

 

“That’s our cue to go!” Phil said, tugging Dan lightly by his shirt inside. 

 

The air conditioning greeted Dan warmly. He looked up in amazement to see the high ceiling. His eyes traveled back to ground level as he walked past all of the different booths advertising Catholic universities, Christian programs, and Catholic organizations, missions, sisterhoods, and priesthoods. 

 

“What’s a Salesian sister?” Dan asked as they walked past a lady clad in a white habit conversing with an auburn-haired girl who looked no older than sixteen. 

 

“It’s a woman who takes vows to pledge their life to the Salesian mission, which was founded by St. John Bosco, Patron Saint of the Youth. He’s a big saint around here.” 

 

“Oh, okay.” 

 

Phil led Dan into an even more giant room filled with thousands of chairs, half of them already filled with teenagers and some young adults and youth leaders. A lot of them were waving around glow sticks of different colors. It almost felt like Dan was going to a concert of one of his favorite bands. 

 

As soon as the room filled up and everyone was seated, an actual band did start playing some fairly good Christian rock music. Everyone started standing up and dancing and singing along energetically, which confused Dan quite a bit.

 

But then Phil grabbed Dan’s hands and started moving them in an attempt to get him to dance. Dan resisted the urge to roll his eyes, instead forcing himself to smile and dance with Phil. He was laughing loudly and smiling so brightly, a stupid glow stick necklace around his neck and wearing a pink Youth Rally T-shirt from two years ago, apparently. 

 

Dan completely ignored his heart’s rapid thudding. 

 

It was probably because of the adrenaline of the band’s performance. 

 

Probably. 

  
  


Time passed quite languidly as Dan listened to different motivational speakers preaching about the life of God. He thought they were cliche, to be honest. They were all stuff he’s heard before from either Phil, his religion teacher in secondary school, or online in one of those videos Phil would email him from time to time. 

 

He found one of the speakers, his name was Jerry maybe, pretty relatable though. He talked about his insecurities and how he thought God wasn’t real until the moment his first daughter Elizabeth was born. And from then on, he knew that God had to be real. 

 

It was touching, Dan would give him that, but it wasn’t enough to force a sudden conversion out of him. 

 

Dinner was a huge debacle, people trying to save their spots in line to get food. Everyone was free to eat wherever they wished, as long as it was within the premises and they had the permission of their youth leader. 

 

Since Dan and Phil and their classmates were university kids and technically adults, they were free to go wherever as long as they came back in time. 

 

After eating together, Dan and Phil decided to walk around. They talked about random light topics, such as school subjects and friends. To Dan’s surprise, Phil joked about some of the motivation speakers’ speeches, thinking they were cliche as well. 

 

“It’s like they reuse that  _ you are beautiful and you are made in God’s image  _ speech every single year. There’s more ways to show God’s goodness to people.” 

 

“I’m surprised you weren’t praising them and stuff for what they said,” Dan said, shaking his head. 

 

“I’ve gone to Youth Rally every year since my first year at uni,” Phil explained. “So a lot of the stuff gets old. I guess maybe that’s how you feel with me sometimes.” 

 

“Yeah, maybe,” Dan nodded. “You’re trying your best though, and I respect that. Plus I did accept the challenge when I could’ve said no, it’s not like you forced me to do this.” 

 

Phil smiled. “Thanks for that. And I’ll really try to take it easy on you. I know you’re going through a lot with adjusting to uni and the situation with your mum and stuff…” 

 

“Thanks. Also, I really like you as a person. Like, when you’re not trying to convert me and stuff,” Dan chuckles. 

 

“I do too. You’re a really great person to be around.” 

 

Dan stared out into the ocean, leaning against the railing. All of the people around them were chattering, but it still felt so surreal and peaceful with Phil. His mind felt at peace here. 

 

“Can I tell you something?” Dan asked quietly. 

 

“Of course,” Phil said encouragingly. He turned to look at Dan. “What is it?” 

 

_ I’m gay,  _ he shouted in his head. The words died in his throat. He choked up and shook his head. “Nevermind.” 

 

Phil tilted his head in concern. “You sure?” 

 

“Yeah,” Dan breathed out, bobbing his head up and down loosely.

 

“Alright.” Phil placed his hand on top of Dan’s, feeling the younger man freeze. “I’m here if you need to talk about anything though.” 

 

“Thank you,” Dan said, his words so soft they were almost carried away with the wind out into the ocean. 

 

“Let’s go back inside, yeah?” 

 

“Okay.” 

  
  


~ 

  
  


Adoration was next, according to the program. Dan had heard of it before when he was young. His mother was a huge fan of it, always taking every opportunity to go if she had time. 

 

Dan could understand why. 

 

It was a moment of peace and silence, even if it was for “connecting with Jesus,” as Phil called it. 

 

The band was softly singing worship music, but that was fine with Dan. It was pretty and soothing. 

 

Eventually, his body started to tense up again. It didn’t even surprise Dan, yet at the same time it did. Time was still for one beautiful moment until it started speeding up in a millisecond. His heart was beating a hundred times a minute, his hands trembling. He could feel tears in his eyes, and he didn’t know why. 

 

He made quick to stand up, slouching so that he wouldn’t draw attention to himself, even though he could feel eyes boring at his back. 

 

He ran out into the giant hall, which was devoid of people as everyone was inside the giant ballroom in adoration. Predictably, Dan heard the door open and close again behind him. And predictably, it was Phil. 

 

Who else would it fucking be? 

 

It was always Phil. 

 

Dan didn’t say anything, and neither did Phil. 

 

The black-haired boy just took his hands gently and started swaying lightly. From inside the ballroom, slightly muffled, the band started a new song. Soft piano, then a female singing voice as tender as Phil’s hold on his fingers. 

 

**_You steady me, slow and sweet_ **

**_We sway, take the lead and I will follow_ **

  
  


Dan slowly relaxed as Phil’s thumbs rubbed his hands soothingly. They were soft and safe. He took in a shaky breath and closed his eyes, letting Phil guide his movements. 

 

**_Finally ready now to close my eyes and just believe_ **

**_that You won’t lead me where You don’t go_ **

 

Phil pulled Dan close, a little bit too close, but that was fine with Dan. Everything was fine when it was with Phil, who spun him around. Dan chuckled, twirling in typical princess style. 

 

**_When my faith gets tired and hope seems lost_ **

**_You spin me around and around and remind me of that song_ **

**_The one you wrote for me_ **

 

**_And we dance_ **

 

And they danced. 

 

**_And we dance_ **

 

In that empty hall, devoid of people, at the Youth Rally, two men danced. 

 

And they didn’t have a single care in the world. 

 

**_Just you and me_ **

 

As the song started to come to an end, so did their swaying. Dan could hear Phil quietly singing along with the last bit of the song. 

 

**_It’s nice to know I’m not alone_ **

**_I’ve found my home here in your arms_ **

  
  


**_It’s nice to know I’m not alone_ **

**_I’ve found my home here in your arms_ **


	8. Closer

November seemed to fly past in the blink of an eye. Exams were looming around the corner and Dan was most definitely not ready. More like, he was procrastinating on revising for said exams, instead opting to go out to coffee with Phil. 

 

Their relationship seemed to become less tense after the Youth Rally. Phil went through with his promise and lightened up on Dan with the religion, and Dan wasn’t as pessimistic and closed off to Christianity as much anymore. 

 

And even then, there seemed to be another layer to the friendship that excited and relieved Dan. It went deeper than this mentor-peer relationship. They were really casual friends. 

 

Dan would tease Phil’s snow-decorated hair profusely as they walked to Starbucks together and Phil would mock Dan’s outrageously expensive fashion taste with coats. 

 

It was all warm banter exchanged between them as they walked through the harsh London cold every other day, whether it was around campus or just around the block to their local Starbucks. 

 

They would sit in their usual spot with their usual drinks, making up different duo names for the cashier to call out (Bonnie and Clyde, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, Red and Blue, etc.). 

 

When Dan arrived back at his dorm and switched on the lights, he saw a small envelope lying on his bed. Puzzled, he went over to pick it up. It wasn’t mum’s usual long and clean white envelope. It was from his dad. He opened it and carefully pulled out the neatly folded letter and read it. 

 

**Daniel,**

 

**I will be visiting your mother for Christmas break. Unfortunately, you will either have to stay at a friend’s house over break or be by yourself. I am sorry that I have to leave you alone for Christmas this year, but surely you’d prefer being with no company rather than me as an option.**

 

**Have a blessed Christmas and New Year.**

 

**Sincerely,**

**Father**

  
  


Dan sighed and crumpled up the letter and the envelope, throwing it in the trash. He didn’t have the energy to be sad. Besides, it didn’t hurt him that he’d be without his father for Christmas. It hurt that his father got to see his mum but not him. 

 

Why does he get to seem her and not him? Since when did his father care about mum ever since they split up?  _ Dan cared.  _

 

_ He  _ should be the one going, not his father. 

 

Dan kicked the trash can over and stormed out of his dorm, walking to god knows where. 

 

Somehow he ended up at Phil’s dorm, sitting on the couch and sobbing hideously into Phil’s shoulder. After a few minutes, he lifted up his head and rubbed at his dampened eyes. 

 

“I’m sorry your father’s doing this to you,” Phil said quietly, handing Dan another tissue. 

 

“It’s not your fault,” Dan said, taking the tissue and blowing his nose, wincing at it and tossing it into the trash can. “Thanks for not judging me. I hate crying over my father. He’s such a dick to be honest.” He pulled his legs up so that his knees were pressed against his chest. 

 

“I won’t judge,” Phil said reassuringly, rubbing Dan’s shoulder. “Wanna put on a movie or play some Mario Kart to get your mind off of it?” 

 

Dan nodded weakly. “Mario Kart, please.” 

 

Phil chuckled. “Sure thing. I’ll go to the rec room and grab some popcorn. How about you start up the game and I’ll be back in a minute, alright?” 

 

“Sounds good.” 

 

Dan set up the Mario Kart game, possibly tampering with Phil’s vehicle so it had the most ridiculous disadvantages. He resisted the urge to laugh when Phil found out too little too late when he returned with the popcorn and subconsciously started the race without looking at the strange changes to his vehicle. 

 

“I hate you!” Phil groaned, throwing the controller at a laughing Dan’s head. Dan shielded himself with a pillow, giggling profusely. 

 

After a while, Phil put down the controller. “Do you wanna spend Christmas break with me and my family?” 

 

Dan’s eyes widened. A smile spread across his face. “That’d be great.” 

  
  


~ 

  
  


The surprised look PJ gave him was expected. Dan probably should have called him ahead of time, but then again, he didn’t have PJ’s phone number in the first place. 

 

“I just made some tea,” PJ said with a welcoming smile. “Come on in!” 

 

“Thanks,” Dan said as he maneuvered through the obstacle course of art supplies and drawers that was PJ’s dorm. “What kind of tea?” 

 

“Chamomile,” PJ replied, handing Dan a cup. “Nothing too exotic.” 

 

“Chamomile’s nice, though.” 

 

PJ hummed and set down his tea on his bedside drawer and returned to his easel. It was a watercolor work that depicted two silhouettes pressed together under the stars. 

 

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Dan finally said. 

 

“Alright,” PJ nodded, still facing the easel with his back towards Dan. 

 

“Can you explain what made you become Catholic?” 

 

PJ was silent for a wall, staring at his unfinished artwork. He sighed and set down his brush and palette, taking a seat on top of one of his art supply drawers. 

 

“It’s a long complicated story, and I don’t know if it’ll help you find what you’re looking for.” 

 

“I just want to know what made you see things differently,” Dan persisted. 

 

“If you so wish,” PJ relented, “my family was never religious in the first place. We weren’t exactly Atheists either. I didn’t know what I was when I was a kid. All I knew was that life was art, and humans had the capacity to create it. Everything I did, really, was in the name of art.” 

 

“Really? That’s a unique way to look at it,” Dan commented. 

 

“Yeah,” PJ agreed, “it was. My parents told me to live life to the fullest, experience everything deeply and with meaning. And so I did. In secondary school, I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. They were addictive, mostly because when I was high or drunk, I felt really inspired for my art. Like I said, it was all in the name of art.

 

“But then I started getting seriously addicted, and my family started to get worried that I was overdoing it. My parents felt horrible, knowing they probably should’ve put a stop to it but didn’t. I didn’t want them to feel that way, like it was their fault.” 

 

Dan nodded in understanding. “I know what that’s like.” 

 

“One day I ended up in the hospital due to alcohol poisoning. I really overdid it then. I was surprised I was still alive, if I’m gonna be honest. The heartbroken faces on my parents, it was too much to bear. I hated that feeling so much. 

 

“So I vowed that I would become a better person and forced myself to send in an application for St. Leo University. Apparently they liked my sob story with alcohol and drugs and how I was determined to become a better person. Then I met Phil and Kelly and Chris and all of my other friends here. I found people who were going through similar problems like mine, and we all confided in each other.” 

 

PJ picked up a small polaroid hanging from the wall and showed it to Dan. It was of him, Phil, and Kelly in freshman year. They were all smiling, but PJ’s looked very forced. Dan stared at the polaroid, his eyes flitting to Phil’s laughing expression as he leaned into PJ. 

 

“You looked unhappy,” Dan pointed out. 

 

“I was,” PJ acknowledged. “I really really was. When I first met you, Dan, you really reminded me of myself in freshman year. Confused, knees deep in my own problems, and the whole world pushing against me, trying to convert me into this religion I had no interest in.” 

 

“So how did you do it?” Dan asked. 

 

“It doesn’t happen overnight, let alone in one school year. Phil’s delusional if he thinks he can do that with someone like you,” PJ shook his head. “But you do have to be willing to take that small leap of faith every now and then, because that’s what religion’s all about, right?” 

 

“I guess.” 

 

“I know it’s hard and it all seems like one huge joke,” PJ said, “but just have patience with yourself and keep your mind open. And don’t force yourself to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with, like going to Mass or praying. Let yourself slowly ease into it.” 

 

“Thank you,” Dan said earnestly. “This really helped.” 

 

PJ threw Dan a kind smile. “Of course, I’m glad to help.” 

  
  


~

  
  


“Philip!” 

 

“Gah! Mum!” 

 

Seeing a short blond-haired woman embracing Phil’s tall figure was a comical sight. Dan couldn’t help but chuckle, which earned him a half-hearted glare from Phil. 

 

“And you must be Dan!” The woman said cheerily after letting go of Phil, spreading her arms out and embracing Dan. 

 

“Oh shi-” 

 

“Dan!” Phil hissed. 

 

“-take mushrooms,” Dan finished hastily. 

 

“Nice to finally meet you, dear,” the woman, Dan assumed she was Mrs. Lester, greeted. “My, my, you’re both so tall, it’s ridiculous. Well, come on in!” 

 

The Lester household, although with only him, Phil, and Mrs. Lester as its current occupants, was pandemonium. The TV in the lounge blasted the news on full volume and multiple cooking pots of god knows what were steaming in the kitchen.

 

“Was it always like this when you lived here?” Dan asked quietly. 

 

“Worse.” 

 

“Oh. Well shit.” 

 

“Phil! Show Dan to the guest bedroom, please! Your father should be coming home soon!” 

 

“Alright!” Phil called back, then turned to Dan. “This way.” 

 

Dan followed Phil up the stairs and into his room. It was really small and cozy, with blue and green bedsheets. What really surprised Dan were the amount of posters of various movies and videogames that he’d never thought Phil would be into. 

 

“Uma Thurman? Really?” Dan chuckled as he closed the door and saw the Kill Bill poster. 

 

Phil rolled his eyes. “Quiet, you. I’m allowed to have non-Christian interests, am I not?” 

 

“Nah, I would think you’d have a giant Crucifix on your wall along with a poster of the Ten Commandments movie,” Dan teased. 

 

“Haha, very funny,” Phil deadpanned, a smile forming on his face. 

 

“You have a keyboard too?” Dan asked, gesturing to the obviously untouched keyboard standing in the corner of the room. 

 

“I do!” Phil said, plugging in the socket and turning it on. “Didn’t you tell me you take piano lessons?” 

 

“Used to,” Dan corrected. “I’m really shit at playing, to be honest.” 

 

“Surely not,” Phil disagreed, plopping down on his bed. “You should play something!” 

 

“Oh no no,” Dan said quickly, shaking his head. 

 

“Please!” 

 

“No.” 

 

“Come on!” Phil whined. 

 

“Ugh, fine,” Dan relented, facing the keyboard. He decided to play something from Final Fantasy, as it’s the only thing he could remember off the top of his head. He started playing Tifa’s theme from Final Fantasy VII, one of his favorites. 

 

Time seemed to stand still as Dan’s fingers danced across the keyboard. He could feel Phil’s eyes on him, and he felt the tip of his ears and his cheeks turn red. 

 

He stopped abruptly, turning around and smiling at Phil cheekily. “There!” 

 

“Dan…” 

 

“Yes, yes, I know I stopped in the middle, you can hate me now.” 

 

“No, that was amazing.”

 

Dan bit his lip and blushed even more. “Oh, really? Er, you think so?” 

 

“I do,” Phil nodded, smiling. “You’re a natural.” 

 

“I am, aren’t I?” Dan replied wittily, quickly masking his embarrassment and flopping onto Phil’s bed and folding his arms behind his head. 

 

“Excuse me, what makes you think you’re sleeping here?” Phil asked. 

 

“Well your mum told you to show me to where I shall be sleeping. So here I shall sleep.” 

 

“You’re the worst, I just wanted to show you my room for a quick minute,” Phil pouted. Something in Phil’s voice told Dan otherwise, but he decided to push that away. Why would that even cross Phil’s mind? 

 

“Alright, alright,” Dan surrendered, grabbing his backpack. “Show me to the guest bedroom, then, sir.” 

 

Phil laughed and led Dan into a much cleaner bedroom with a slight ocean and beach theme. The curtains did have shell patterns on them, after all. 

 

“Now that’s more like it. A room fit for a prince,” Dan said smugly. 

 

“Enjoy your room then, Prince Daniel,” Phil replied, bowing playfully. Their chuckles faded. “By the way, I’m gonna go see one of my friends tomorrow afternoon.” 

 

“Oh cool,” Dan shrugged. “What’s their name?” 

 

“Her name’s Marley,” Phil said a bit carefully. 

 

“Cool cool, Marley’s a nice name. Am I coming with you or…?” 

 

“Oh no,” Phil said hastily, “I’m going alone, if you don’t mind. Sorry.” 

 

“It’s fine,” Dan replied breezily. 

 

Phil’s phone pinged in his pocket. He pulled it out and checked it. “Mum wants me to come down and help her with dinner. You can explore the house a bit, if you’d like. Just don’t wander off on your own.” 

 

“Okay.” 

 

Phil ran out of the room and shuffled down the stairs. Dan proceeded to look around the guest bedroom. There wasn’t really anything interesting to see, so he decided on heading back to Phil’s room and checking out his movies and videogames. He did seem to have a good taste in movies. 

 

Along with movie posters, there were a lot of worn out photos taped on the wall. They were mostly of Phil when he was in his teens, a lot of them with people whom Dan last expected Phil to be friends with. One of them had Phil and a girl with electric pink hair and a nose ring, both of them making gangster signs. 

 

However, one of the pictures shocked Dan the most, like a bucket of cold water pouring down on him. 

 

It was Phil, who was seventeen around the time due to the date scribbled at the bottom, and he had tattoos littered all over his arms and chest. He was wearing a band tank top. The picture, Dan had to admit, was a bit hidden from the others. It was shielded by a significantly more innocent picture on top of it, located near the bottom corner just before it’d be buried behind the bed. 

 

Were those tattoos fake? They didn’t look like they were. Was Phil a punk before? 

 

Shit. 

 

The door opened, causing Dan to yelp. 

 

“Woah, Dan!” Phil’s eyes were wide like saucers. “Snooping around, I see?” He asked tentatively. 

 

“Er,” Dan stuttered, “sort of?” 

 

Phil gave Dan a weak smile. “Find anything you were looking for, perhaps?” He closed the door behind him, which made Dan even more nervous. 

 

Dan scooted off the bed and walked up to Phil, his eyes searching. 

 

“Why do you always wear long sleeves?” Dan questioned. 

 

“Because I want to,” Phil replied simply. 

 

“Not because you’re hiding something?” 

 

Phil said nothing, turning around to walk away. Before he could, Dan made a grab for his arm, instead latching onto Phil’s sleeve and pulling it up. Both of their eyes went wide. 

 

Lo and behold, there was a ink tattoo of a dragon on Phil’s forearm. 

 

“You-” Dan started.

 

Phil yanked the sleeve back down, covering the tattoo, and he opened the door and left the bedroom, leaving Dan even more confused than ever. 

  
  


~ 

  
  


Dinner was an awkward fair. Mrs. Lester could sense the tension between him and Phil as they ate, as she tried profusely to start conversations between the both of them. Dan really tried his best to answer, but when he saw the startlingly scary look on Phil’s face, the rest of his confidence and charm shriveled up in his chest and died. 

 

Mr. Lester, on the other hand, had paid no mind, instead focusing on the food and occasionally chiming in about the rugby team every now and then, which Phil gave a short clipped response to. 

 

“Phil, dear, do help your father and I with the dishes,” Mrs. Lester said once dinner was finished. 

 

“I can help too, if you’d like,” Dan offered. 

 

“Oh, don’t be silly, Dan! You can go upstairs and rest for a bit. Besides, Phil and I need to have a talk.” 

 

Dan saw the unnerved reaction on Phil’s face to Mrs. Lester’s statement. He had a feeling that she’d be telling off her son about his brooding and rude behavior at dinner, which Dan had to admit he felt slightly smug about.

 

However, the guilt gnawing at his chest was still very present. He really shouldn’t have exposed Phil like that. 

 

Heading back into Phil’s room to retrieve his phone, he didn’t dare look even in the very direction of the hidden picture. Despite Dan’s avoidance, he could feel the picture staring at the back of his head accusingly. 

 

Just as he was on his way out, he ran into Phil and the air around them felt like ice. Shit. 

 

“Phil, I-” 

 

“Don’t worry about it,” Phil interrupted briskly. His stature softened a bit and he sighed. “Just… Can we pretend like you never saw that photo and like it never happened? Please?” 

 

Dan nodded mutely, causing Phil to sigh in relief. 

 

“Thanks,” Phil said. 

 

“Yeah, no problem. I don’t like it when you’re angry at me,” Dan said, a little hurt etched in his voice that he internally winced at. 

 

A shadow of guilt fell onto Phil’s face. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’d be so affected. I was stupid for glaring at you like that at dinner. My mum told me off on it in the kitchen.” He chuckled a bit, but it seemed forced. 

“Heh, yeah,” Dan smiled half-heartedly. 

 

Awkward silence. 

 

“Er,” Phil threw a grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes, “goodnight, then.” 

 

“Goodnight,” Dan mumbled back. 

 

A few hours later, Dan found himself lying awake on his bed, staring with wide eyes up at the ceiling lost in his own thoughts. 

  
  


~ 

 

The fallen tree leaves crunched under his feet as he made his way to the porch of a familiar house. It was a faded blue, but the garden had a new set of flowers planted in it. Daffodils. 

 

His heart beat nervously in his chest as he rung the doorbell. He wasn’t surprised when a teenage boy of around fourteen opened the door. His face had a bored look plastered onto it, like nothing in the entire world could excite this boy. It was a bit depressing, to say the least. 

 

“Hey, can I speak with your adult foster?” 

 

“Sure,” the boy replied monotonically, disappearing behind the door. 

 

“MARLEY, A MAN IS HERE TO SEE YOU!” 

 

“Devon, there is no need to shout!” A woman’s voice chastised. 

 

A friendly looking lady whose arms could mother the world appeared at the door. Although her body and calm voice emanated warmth and welcome, her face was rather stern and hardened. She had brown hair messily tied into a ponytail and red thick glasses that framed her brown eyes. 

 

“Phil!” She exclaimed, immediately pulling him in for a hug. Phil laughed and wrapped his arms around the woman tightly, closing his eyes contently as they rocked back and forth in their embrace for a good few seconds. 

 

“How are you?? Come in, come in!” 

 

They settled down in Marley’s office, Phil settling in one of the office cushions and Marley sitting at her desk. Phil admired all of the pictures hung on all of the walls. They were all teenagers that Marley has ever fostered. 

 

“So how are things?” She asked. 

 

Phil nodded, a smile fixed on his face. “Good, really really good.” 

 

Marley gave him a look of disbelief, but she offered a patient smile. “Now, how are things really?” 

 

Phil shook his head to himself, knowing he could never fool Marley. It was a futile effort, this woman has been reading past teenagers’ passive responses for basically her whole life. 

 

“I, um…” Phil couldn’t find the words. They were stuck at the back of his throat, trembling frighteningly. They did not want to come out. 

 

“Take your time,” Marley said encouragingly. 

 

The next few minutes of just the ticking clock filling the soundless room were tense, but Phil was determined and Marley was willing to wait. 

 

“So at the beginning of the year,” Phil started, “I met this freshman named Dan. He’s an Atheist, but I offered to make him a deal that I could convert him back to Catholicism by the end of the year. But I don’t know how to do it…” 

 

Phil sighed. He ran his fingers through his hair and found his face heating up.

 

“Each month I’ve been giving him these sessions to try to convince him that God is real,” he continued, “and sometimes he got just a little bit convinced, but sometimes it’s so so difficult. It’s like trying to fill a cup of water that’s already full. 

 

“And… And sometimes I feel like I’m not doing a good enough job, and I’m just a bad person for forcing this all onto him. And I’m scared that one day he’ll prove me wrong and I’ll start to question everything again too, and that I’m just not good enough, and-” 

 

“Phil,” Marley interrupted gently, holding her hand up. Phil found that he was breathing heavily and his fists were clenched tightly. 

 

“God knows that you’re trying your best,” she said, putting her hand over Phil’s fist, causing him to relax them. “And He does not expect you to have the answer to every question in the world, because you don’t. And it is not your job to answer these questions for Dan. He needs to walk his own path with God. 

 

“So just guide him when he needs to be guided, be there for him when he needs you to be there for him, and let God take care of the rest.” 

 

Phil nodded weakly, his throat dry and tense. His eyes landed on one of the photo frames hung up on the wall behind Marley. It was a picture of him when he was still sixteen. He was sporting a punk T-shirt, ripped skinny black jeans, chain boots, and a bunch of piercings. He had a threatening look on his face as he held a cigarette between his fingers. 

 

“Looking at it feels surreal, doesn’t it?” Marley said, taking the picture from the wall and sliding it over to Phil on the desk. It was like going back in time. 

 

“Yeah,” Phil breathed out, “it feels weird. Like it’s me but it’s not me at the same time.” 

 

Marley smiled endearingly. “When I look at you now, Phil, you remind of the reason why I’m here.” 

 

“I do?” Phil asked. 

 

“Mhm,” she hummed, hanging the picture back up on the wall. 

 

Phil stared at the picture for a little bit longer. He knew he was a wreck when that picture was taken; it was his own reminder of how far he had come to get to this point. How there was so much more to himself than a sad teenage boy who found solace in poison. How he had so many questions about Christianity and how he’s still confused with himself.

 

Then a thought crossed his mind, one that seemed to always come back in full circle ever since the beginning of the school year. He winced. What would Marley think of him? But then again, Marley surely had an answer. 

 

“Marley,” Phil said, “there’s something else I need to tell you.” 


	9. In Over My Head

“Morning, dear!” Mrs. Lester greeted as Dan finally threw himself off of the bed and hobbled downstairs to the smell of sunny-side up eggs, toast, and sausage. 

 

“Morning.” 

 

“Phil’s right now visiting a friend, he should be back any second now, alright?” 

 

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, slumping into one of the dining chairs. 

 

Mrs. Lester set down multiple plates of sausage, eggs, and toast in front of Dan like a buffet. Dan felt his stomach whine at the sight of such delicious food, but it didn’t feel right if Phil wasn’t here to eat with him. 

 

Wait. What? 

 

Since when did Dan ever feel uncomfortable without Phil’s presence? What had gotten into him? 

 

Before Dan could run away with his train of thought, the front door opened. 

 

“I’m home!” Phil greeted, shutting the door behind him and immediately taking a seat next to Dan at the breakfast table, flashing him a shy smile. “Morning, Dan.” 

 

“Morning. How did your visit with your friend go?” 

 

Phil nodded, saying, “It was pretty good. We had a nice chat about life... and stuff.” 

 

Dan caught a hint of a blush on Phil’s cheeks. 

 

“Life and stuff?” Dan chuckled. “Sounds like an interesting chat.” 

 

“Haha, yeah.” 

 

Awkward silence. 

 

Dan twiddled his thumbs, keeping his hands on his lap and his eyes on his plate. Phil profusely stared straight ahead, avoiding absolutely any form of eye contact between him and Dan, which Dan admittedly felt a bit upset at. 

 

“Are you boys going to eat or not?” Mrs. Lester chimed in, setting down the last plate of toast and gesturing to the buffet of food at the center of the table.

 

“Right, yeah,” Phil said, dazed. 

 

Dan gave Phil a puzzled look as he scooped a fair amount of sausage, eggs, and one slice of toast onto his plate. What the fuck was up with him?   


The confusion grew even more when Phil basically downed his food in under five minutes and made quick to stand up, albeit clumsily. 

 

“I’m gonna, er, go for a walk.” 

 

“You want some company?” Dan asked, standing up as well and searching Phil’s face. Phil, however, was averting his eyes from Dan’s. 

 

“N-No, I just want to be alone and collect my thoughts for a bit.” 

 

“Alright,” Dan said hesitantly.  _ This is definitely not alright.  _

 

“I’ll be back before we head to St. Matthew’s, okay?” Phil said to his mother. 

 

“That’s fine with me. Just don’t leave Dan by his lonesome for too long, dear. He’s your guest.” 

 

Phil nodded and, without a word,  walked out of the house with a boggled Mrs. Lester and an even more bewildered Dan. 

  
  


~ 

  
  


Christmas was definitely in the air as Dan and Phil made their way towards St. Matthew’s House. 

 

“It’s a charity place for poor people who can’t take care of their families. My mum and I go here every year, but she wanted us to go by ourselves since we haven’t really spent that much time together, just the two of us, yet.” 

 

“I see,” Dan nodded. “That’s really nice of you, though, to volunteer like this.” 

 

“It’s an amazing feeling, and you feel the real spirit of Christmas when you see the smiles on the people’s faces when you help them!” Phil said with a smile of his own on his face. 

 

Dan found his own smile of endearment growing on his face. “I bet it’s nice.” 

 

They reached St. Matthew’s House, which was a giant warehouse full of people in blue T-shirts and aprons along with a bunch of people dressed warmly and carrying around shopping baskets. There were lines of tables, each of them crowded with gigantic boxes of packaged foods. People were bustling around, some even greeting Phil as they walked past. 

 

“Hi, Phil! Nice to see you again!” An elderly woman greeted. 

 

“Good afternoon, Philip!” A man said. 

 

“Hey Phil!” 

 

Dan’s ears perked up at the significantly younger voice compared to those who greeted Phil. It was a woman who looked to be around her early 20s with stringy brown hair tied into a ponytail. 

 

“Miranda!” Phil exclaimed, quickly being pulled into a hug by the small female. 

 

Dan ignored the unfamiliar heat bubbling in his chest a little bit. Just a little bit. 

Phil pulled away from Miranda’s hug and pat her on the shoulder. “It was nice running into you!” 

 

“Yeah, definitely! Long time no see!” Miranda grinned. “Are you gonna introduce me to your friend?” 

 

“Oh!” Phil’s eyes widened. “Yeah, of course! Miranda, this is Dan. Dan, this is Miranda.” 

 

“Nice to meet you!” Miranda greeted cheerfully, shaking Dan’s hand. 

 

“Nice to meet you too,” Dan said with a half-assed smile. “So how do you know Phil?” 

 

“Phil? We were friends in our teen years. He’s changed so much, it’s crazy!” 

 

“Is that so?” Dan asked with a laugh. 

 

“Yep!” She bobbed her head up and down. “He used to have these streaks in his hair and-” 

 

“OKAY!” Phil butted in, nervously laughing. “We don’t need to know that information, Miranda please.” 

 

“Sorry! I just thought he knew-” 

 

“We’ll see you around?” Phil interrupted once more, leading Dan away from Miranda a bit forcefully. 

 

“Yeah, okay!” Miranda waved then shrugged and walked away. 

 

“What was that about?” Dan asked. 

 

“Nothing important,” Phil replied nonchalantly. 

 

“Alright,” Dan said, letting go of the subject once again. This was starting to get old. 

 

A few hours passed by in a blur, which Dan did not expect at all. He and Phil spent the majority of their time in another area of St. Matthew’s House serving hot dinner in the kitchen to all of the poor families. He met an old man named Morrison who told stories of his experiences on the New York City streets with his saxophone. 

 

He also met a teenage girl with a newborn baby in her hands. It didn’t take Dan long to guess the poor girl’s situation. As he handed her the dinner plate and a small baby bottle, he gave her an encouraging smile, which she returned gratefully. 

 

There were countless other families and individuals that Dan found himself having small bits of conversation with. It almost came naturally to him after the first few minutes of trying to break out of his awkward shell. 

 

Dan insisted they return again at least once more before Christmas break was over, which Phil happily agreed to. 

 

The next two weeks consisted of Dan and Phil going back to the St. Matthew’s House almost everyday, doing different assignments ranging from organizing canned goods in the assembly line to help people grocery shop in the pantry to packaging meals. 

 

It was a lot of work, and quite a lot more moving around than Dan was used to on a daily basis, but when he was next to Phil, it felt right. 

 

Dan also had to give Phil credit for doing quite well with the packaging and organizing canned goods. He was a natural at it. He also loved to talk to kids, which made him and Phil a good duo with the families as Dan would chat with the adults while Phil chatted with the children while they were serving meals. 

 

One week before Christmas, they were assigned to help wrap the Christmas presents and decorate the cafeteria with christmas decor. It was 8 PM and they were the last of the batch working late. Dan didn’t mind, especially as it was just him and Phil messing around with the decorations as cheesy holiday music blasted from Phil’s iPod. 

 

Phil giggled profusely as he set a small Christmas wreath on top of Dan’s head, claiming it was a Christmas flower crown. Dan rolled his eyes and snickered as he took off the wreath and hung it up on the kitchen door. 

 

“You’re such a dork,” he said with more fondness than he intended to. 

 

And when Phil gave him the brightest grin, his heart did somersaults and backflips. It was snowing outside, so why did the temperature feel like it was rising all of a sudden? 

  
  


~

 

It was the last day they were volunteering at St. Matthew’s before Christmas Day, to Dan’s disappointment.

 

Christmas Eve put almost everyone, rich and poor and young and old, in the merriest of spirits. All of the volunteers were wearing elf hats while they were giving out free Santa hats to the families. Dan and Phil weren’t assigned anything specific today, so Dan asked Phil if they could work in the cafeteria again so they could interact with the families. 

 

Dan had found himself becoming acquaintances with the familiar faces. He learned that the teenage mother’s name was Lillian, fifteen years old, and she named her newborn son Thomas. He found out that one family were refugees from Syria, and that they were lucky enough to seek asylum in Spain, then made enough money to travel over to the U.K. Meanwhile, Morrison had come with his saxophone, which was a delightful surprise. 

 

“Are you gonna play something for us?” Dan asked as he ladled chicken soup into a bowl and set it on Morrison’s tray then handed him a homemade chocolate chip cookie (courtesy of Miranda). 

 

“O’ course!” He said. “I won’ have it ‘ere if ‘m not gon’ play!”  

 

“You should play Careless Whispers,” Dan teased. 

 

“Ah man, I’ve had ‘nough folks ask me to play that,” Morrison said with a wave of his hand. “I bring holiday songs with me along with the music of God.” 

 

“So you are Christian,” Dan pointed out. 

 

“O’ course! God’s been good to me.” 

 

Dan frowned. It was that same feeling of doubt eating away at him. He couldn’t help but feel a bit exasperated that even a man like Morrison, who had been on the streets and homeless for countless years, could still believe that there was someone out there looking out for him and everyone else. 

 

“How do you know?” 

 

Morrison gave Dan a toothy grin, his gold tooth glinting. “Because there’s people like you and places like this in the world, Dan. Kind-hearted, generous, and willing to serve and do the Lord’s will.” 

 

Dan didn’t say anything for a moment, not caring if he held up the line as Morrison was waiting for his answer. He felt sick, like this was all one giant joke. Was it all a joke? Why are people so willing to believe in a god that has them in a place like this? When they could have jobs and take care of their families and be having Christmas dinner in a lovely house, but instead they’re here relying on others for their meals? 

 

Why? Why why why? 

 

“Dan? Are you alright?” 

 

It was Phil. He looked up and met those blue eyes, and he was brought back to reality. He turned back to Morrison, who had now moved along the line. 

 

“Oh,” Dan nodded, “yeah I’m fine. I just need a break.” 

 

“Okay,” Phil said sympathetically. “You can go to the bathroom or step outside if you’d like. I’ll take over your station for a little bit. I told Morrison to move along the line.” 

 

“Thanks,” Dan said, not hesitating to leave through the backdoor of the kitchen. It was cold and dry outside, the wind whistling through his hair and causing the jingle bells hanging on the door to tinkle softly. 

 

The lights of the city and the noises of cars and buses driving past and pedestrians chattering and walking by filled Dan’s mind and soothed him. 

 

It was Christmas Eve, and Dan was here in St. Matthew’s House with Phil. Phil’s parents were preparing Christmas dinner at home. His own parents were in South Africa probably feeding African children. 

 

It was Christmas Eve, the night before Christ was born, according to Christians. The night before their supposed Savior would come into the world and die for the world. 

 

Why was it so hard for Dan to believe? He felt wrong for not believing, like he was an outsider who didn’t understand. Or maybe it was those who believe who were the outsiders. 

 

The door to the kitchen opened behind him and Dan turned around. 

 

“Hey Dan,” Miranda said. She had a garbage bag in her hand, probably tossing out the garbage. “What are you doing out here?” 

 

“Needed a break,” he said simply. “I’m just- I don’t know.” 

 

Miranda heaved the garbage bag into the dumpster next to the kitchen door then sat down on the step next to Dan. “You can tell me, I think I’ll understand.” 

 

“You won’t.” 

 

“Phil told me you’re an Atheist.” 

 

Dan’s eyes widened and he looked up from the ground and up at Miranda. “He did?” 

 

Miranda nodded. “Mhm. I am too.” 

 

“Oh.” 

 

“Yeah,” Miranda snickered, “I figure I’d tell you since you would probably think otherwise, like I’m a Christian as well.” 

 

“Have you ever been Christian?” 

 

Miranda shook her head. “Nope. And honestly, I don’t feel a need to have a religion. It’s just not my style, plus I was never raised with a specific religion. I’ve always just been fine.” 

 

“Has Phil ever tried to convert you?” 

 

“Haha, as if,” Miranda rolled her eyes. “I met him when he wasn’t even Catholic, as far away as he could be from it, even.” 

 

“Really?” Dan asked, thirsty for more information on Phil’s past. “Looks like Phil hasn’t always been the good Catholic guy he is now.” 

 

“It’s not my place to really tell the details, but I just thought it’d give you more perspective on who Phil is. I’m not saying he’s a bad person, but he wasn’t always this stuck-up God-loving guy.” 

 

“I know that,” Dan said dryly. “He obviously has a personality outside of being Catholic.” 

 

“I just wanted to make sure you know, nothing more and nothing less.” 

 

They sat in silence for a while, Dan deep in his thoughts. 

 

“Do you think these people are delusional for believing in God?” Dan asked. 

 

“Not really,” Miranda shook her head. “I don’t find anything wrong with it. It’s who they are, it’s like questioning someone’s culture and why they do what they do. Sometimes people do things that you don’t understand, and that’s fine as long as they don’t hurt anyone. They’re certainly not hurting me.” 

 

“What about the whole LGBT thing going on, then?” Dan had no idea where that question came from. 

 

“I think homophobes can go and stick it up their ass,” Miranda said bluntly. “It sucks that most of them claim to be Christians or come from Christianity, but I’ve been with Phil and Christians long enough to know that all of them aren’t like that and that we shouldn’t generalize people based on poor actions of radical people. Same goes with terrorists and Muslims, quite a huge difference.” 

 

Dan nodded in agreement. He liked how this woman thought and where her beliefs were. He wondered if he could be as comfortable with his own beliefs, if he even had any to be comfortable with in the first place. 

 

“But aren’t Christians still against gay marriage?” 

 

Miranda sighed. “I don’t think I’m the right person to answer that question. I know in the Bible it says so, but I don’t know what most Christians make of it now. They seem pretty tolerable of it though.” 

 

“That’s good to hear, at least.” 

 

“Mhm,” Miranda hummed. 

 

Silence settled between them again, but this time it was more content and comfortable. Miranda stood up and stated she better get back to work or her mother will castrate her. 

 

“Wait, Miranda.” 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“Thanks.” 

 

Miranda smiled and said, “It’s all good,” then she headed back inside the kitchen, leaving Dan alone with his thoughts again. 

 

Soon enough though, the sound of a saxophone playing a jazzy version of a Michael Jackson song bled through the slightly open kitchen door and reached Dan’s ears. 

 

_ Morrison.  _

 

He decided to head back inside the cafeteria, walking into a lively scene. Many of the families were seated and well into their meals as Morrison took the small stage on the other side of the room in front of the piano and started playing his saxophone to many cheers. 

 

Dan found Phil near the stage, clapping along with a pair of fraternal twins, a boy and a girl; it was an endearing sight that made his chest glow warmly. 

 

“Dan! You’re back!” Phil said as Dan walked up to him. 

 

“Yeah I am,” Dan said. A Santa hat was thrusted in front of his face. “Uh, what?” 

 

“A Santa hat!” Phil said, waving it in front of Dan. “Wear it!” 

 

“No.” 

 

“Come on,” Phil whined. 

 

“No.” 

 

“Please?” Dan couldn’t resist that stupid pout on Phil’s face, so he snatched the hat and begrudgingly wedged it onto his head. Although the annoyance didn’t stay long as Phil started dancing with the twins, whom Dan later found out their names were Ran and Ren. 

 

Soon Morrison finished his song to thundering applause. 

 

“Alright, alright!” Morrison yelled over the crowd, settling them down. “Let’s have another brave fella take the stage! Any takers?” 

 

People whispered among themselves, but all of the families were too bashful to dare play any kind of music in front of such a large crowd. There had to be at least 200 people in the entire cafeteria. 

 

“Dan can play piano!” Phil blurted out. 

 

Dan’s eyes widened into saucers and he flicked his head towards Phil in a mixture of shock and slight betrayal.  _ No, no, no, I think the fuck not.  _

 

“Come on up, then, Dan!” Morrison encouraged. 

 

Everyone in the cafeteria started cheering, and Dan felt his cheeks burn. He loved the spotlight, but this was so impromptu. Did he even know any Christmas songs by heart?  _ It shouldn’t be that hard…  _

 

Urged gently by Phil, Dan slowly walked up onto the stage, his legs like spaghetti noodles and his heart running a marathon. 

 

“You got this, Dan,” he heard Phil whisper to him from the side of the stage. 

 

_ I’m going to kill you for this,  _ Dan thought. He didn’t mean it though, not when his bright blue eyes reflected the Christmas fairy lights hanging from the ceiling.  __

 

He sat at the piano and scrolled through his mental playlist of playable Christmas songs. There was one his mother would always sing and even once taught him on the piano. That’s what he’d play. 

 

His fingers hovered slightly over the piano keys, humming the melody to himself first. He closed his eyes, trying his best to ignore all of the expectant eyes on him, particularly Phil’s. His fingers pressed on the keys. 

 

_ “Daniel! Would you like me to come to teach you a song on the piano?”  _

 

_ “Yes!” A nine year-old Dan answered giddily, crawling up onto the piano bench next to his mother.  _

 

_ Dan’s mother chuckled and ruffled his hair gently as Dan looked at the piano keys excitedly.  _

 

_ “It’s one of my favorite Christmas songs,” she said. “And I’d like for you to play it one day and touch people’s hearts.”  _

 

_ Dan nodded, just wanting to get on with the song. Dan’s mother smiled and set her hands on the piano keys. “Play follow the leader with my hands, okay?”  _

 

_ Dan set his hands on the piano keys an octave higher from where his mother’s hands were.  _

 

A humble melody of piano notes filled the large room. Dan could hear the small sounds of recognition from the crowd behind him. He knew it was a popular one for both religious and nonreligious. 

 

Silent Night. 

 

He heard people starting to sing the lyrics along with the piano music behind him.

 

His heart felt full as he continued playing and thought of his mother. He wondered what she’d be thinking if she saw him right now, playing the song she taught him to play for the good will of others one day. 

 

He’d like to think his mother would be proud. She definitely would be. 

 

And that thought alone gave him just enough courage to continue playing in front of all these people.

 

It made him brave. 

  
  


~

  
  


Dan and the Lesters had Christmas Eve dinner that night. 

 

He and Phil had come home after many people had applauded Dan on his performance and he received many gratuities from the families and volunteers. From the distance, he caught sight of Miranda, who simply threw him a wink and raised her glass towards him. He could never thank Miranda enough for that conversation they had outside the kitchen on that very night. 

 

It was now time for midnight Mass, which made Dan a bit nervous. The last time he went to Mass, well, it didn’t go so well. He definitely didn’t want a repeat of that. 

 

“Are you sure you want to go?” Phil asked as pulled out his fancy sleeves and church trousers. 

 

“Positive,” Dan nodded. “I feel like I can do it, like I have strength to now.” 

 

Phil only gave him a toothless smile in reply. 

 

“So what do I wear?” Dan asked. “I’m not sure if anything I packed is appropriate.” 

 

“As long as it’s decent,” Phil said. “You don’t have to dress up all fancy. Anything red, even a simple polo shirt and some trousers would be fine. Dark denim is good.” 

 

“Okay,” Dan said, “I’m gonna head back into my guest room and see if I can find something.” 

 

“Alright. But if you really don’t have anything, I’ll lend you some of my stuff.” 

 

The simple concept of sharing clothes with Phil was enough to increase the speed of Dan’s heart rate. Damn it. 

 

And of course, when Dan and the Lesters left to make their way to Christmas Mass, Dan was in Phil’s red sleeves and trousers, perfectly aware of his own red polo shirt and clean pair of trousers lying in his bag back in his guest room.

 

The church where the Christmas Eve Midnight Mass was to be held was majestic and airy at the same time. It was modern yet held an ancient power in its wood and tiles. Almost all of the seats were already packed with people, most of them families of all kinds. He was surprised to see Morrison there, who waved at him from the other side of the church. 

 

“Hey look, it’s Lillian!” Phil said, gesturing to the blond girl sitting slightly isolated from everyone else in the pews, her baby Thomas sleeping peacefully in her arms. 

 

The teenage girl’s face brightened when Dan and Phil approached her. 

 

“Hi!” She said warmly. “Do you wanna sit?” 

 

“Of course!” Phil said. Lillian stood up and moved her belongings to make room for Dan and the Lesters to sit. Dan felt the slightly judgmental glares from some of the people around them, and he hoped his guess that it was because of Lillian and her situation wasn’t correct. 

 

“People will be people, unfortunately, and we can’t change that,” Phil murmured to him, as if he read Dan’s mind. “The best we can do is be here for her since she has no one.” 

 

Dan nodded. “You’re a good person, Phil.” 

 

“You are too,” Phil said in reply, the corners of lips quirking upwards. 

 

“Did you silence your phones?” Mrs. Lester asked. 

 

“Oh shit, right,” Dan whispered, earning a reproaching glare from an elderly woman nearby. 

 

“Dan!” 

 

“Sorry, sorry,” Dan muttered as he silenced his phone. Lillian and Phil did the same. 

 

“It’s gonna start soon!” Lillian whispered excitedly. “I love Christmas Midnight Mass. It’s so beautiful.” 

 

“I’ll bet,” Dan said. 

 

“My parents used to take me all the time during Christmas.” 

 

“Really? Is it just you and your parents?” 

 

“Yeah, used to be,” she said. “Not anymore, though. They kicked me out of the house when they found out I was pregnant and wasn’t gonna put up Thomas for adoption after he was born.” 

 

“Why didn’t you?” Dan asked curiously. 

 

She shrugged. “I have friends who are in the foster system, and I know it’s not a good life for them. I’d rather give up everything.” 

 

“Wow, that’s really quite a sacrifice.” 

 

“Yeah,” Lillian said. “I was originally going to do it, but when I gave birth to Thomas and saw his face…” She bit her lip and shook her head to herself. “How could I?” 

 

Dan nodded, staying silent. He could only imagine what this girl has gone through, and that split second decision of keeping her baby, all because she saw his face after giving birth. Who knew just one moment could change a person’s perspective on life and alter a huge decision that was supposedly already made? Dan wouldn’t know. He wasn’t Lillian, let alone a woman who’s been through pregnancy and childbirth. 

 

“It’s worth it though,” Phil said to Lillian. “You made the right choice.” 

 

Lillian smiled and held out Thomas to Phil. “Do you wanna hold him for a bit?” 

 

“I’d love to!” Phil said, his eyes wide and in shock as he took the baby from Lillian’s arms and held him in his own. That look on Phil’s face, one of pure awe and an unnamed protectiveness in his eyes, made Dan fall just a little bit deeper for the man with hair the color of night and eyes the color of azure. 

 

The Mass was indeed, as Lillian said, beautiful. It wasn’t just the dramatic beginning where the lights dimmed and the entire church was only lighted with candles on the Nativity for the readings, nor was it only because of the string quartet, trumpets, chimes, and grand organ that produced majestic anthems of glory and soft delicate hymns of reflection. Rather, it was this indescribable “Christmas spirit,” as Phil called it, that hovered in the atmosphere and spread through the people. 

 

The homily, Dan had to admit, was good. The priest talked of the true meaning of Christmas, which was giving to others and doing the Lord’s will. His final words stuck with Dan. 

 

_ “Have a Merry Christmas, but not too merry. Have happy holidays, but not too happy. Have a blessed season, but do not forget to bless others as well. Merry Christmas.”  _

 

During the sign of peace before Communion, there were well wishes and Christmas greetings all around. Even the seemingly cranky elderly woman who scrutinized Dan for accidentally cursing in church offered Dan a sign of peace and a kind “Merry Christmas.” 

 

One woman, a young mother, seated behind Lillian asked her if she could kiss Thomas’s forehead, which Dan found slightly weird, but many people are out of their element of indifference and prone to unusual gestures of kindness during the season. It was something Dan came to understand over the past few weeks with Phil at St. Matthew’s House. 

 

_ “This is my body, which will be given up for you.”  _

 

Dan wasn’t kneeling along with everyone else. Instead, he was sitting and offered to hold Thomas while everyone knelt to pray. As he stared down at Thomas’s sleeping face, his mind wandered. For once, he didn’t want to run away, didn’t have this buzzing guilt inside his chest. He didn’t know if it was because of Thomas’s strangely calming aura or the “Christmas spirit” that Phil kept referring to was really here and alive. Or maybe it was something else. Perhaps not a Christmas spirit, but… 

 

Dan stared at the giant Crucifix hanging above the altar where the priest was holding up a piece of the bread and supposedly turning it into Jesus’ body. He looked away. He couldn’t look at the Crucifix, too many memories held in it that still weren’t healed. 

 

During Communion, Dan still held Thomas as the others were receiving the Eucharist. After that was said and done, the priest offered a blessing of the children. 

 

“Do you want to take Thomas?” Dan asked Lillian. 

 

“You can take him if you’d like,” she said with a smile. 

 

_ Oh god,  _ Dan thought morosely. More standing up in front of people who are probably secretly laughing at me, an awkward giant noodle who’s carrying a baby. Dan did it anyway, not being able to say no to Lillian’s pleading face. He didn’t understand why she wanted him to do it, probably because Dan didn’t get up at all this entire Mass, not even to receive Communion. 

 

So he did. 

 

It was the awkwardest minute of his entire life, and that's saying something. 

 

Dan had to wait a full minute in a line of little kids waiting to be blessed by a priest. He took solace in the fact that there were other adults carrying their babies as well, but they weren’t giant slouching noodles like he was. When it was finally his turn, the priest gave Dan a warm smile and blessed Thomas, who was still asleep peacefully. 

 

He returned back to where he was sitting, back to an amused Phil and a grateful Lillian. He gave Thomas back to Lillian. She rocked the baby in her arms. 

 

“Did you know that Mary was around fifteen when she gave birth to Jesus?” Phil whispered to Dan. 

 

“Oh wow, really?” Dan asked. 

 

Phil nodded. “Who do you think she reminds you of?” 

 

Dan turned to look at Lillian, holding the sleeping Thomas close to her chest protectively. 

 

“That’s… uncanny,” Dan stated. 

 

“Quite a coincidence, isn’t it?” Phil asked. 

 

“Mhm,” Dan hummed. “And the baby hasn’t cried this whole time.” 

 

“Just like baby Jesus,” Phil whispered. 

 

“Yeah…” 

 

Soon enough, the priest was saying his final words to end the Mass. Then trumpets started blaring, and the organ rung throughout the entire building. The string quartet started playing and the chimes glittered the air. Everyone started singing  _ Joy to the World.  _ It was a surreal moment, one that felt magical in a way. 

 

He wondered if the other people around him felt it too, even nonreligious people like himself? 

 

Was he even nonreligious at this point? Honestly, Dan didn’t know and would rather not put a solid label on what he was exactly. It all seemed too confusing to focus on right now. 

 

After Mass, they said farewell to Lillian, who made sure to put her phone number into Dan and Phil’s phones, pleading for them to meet again. 

 

“We’ll definitely see each other again, even outside of St. Matthew’s,” Dan assured. 

 

“Or give us a call if you need my parents to babysit Thomas while you’re off at work or anything,” Phil offered. 

 

Lillian looked gratuitous. Her lip trembled and her eyes glistened before she pulled Phil into a one-armed hug, as she carried Thomas in her other. She gave Dan a hug as well. “Thank you, really, no other words can express,” she said when she finally let go of Dan. 

 

“Have a Merry Christmas, Lillian,” Phil said. 

 

“Yeah, Merry Christmas,” Dan echoed. 

 

“Merry Christmas!” She said with a smile, holding Thomas close to her and walking off into the night. 

 

When Dan and the Lesters arrived home, Dan and Phil quickly changed into their pyjamas. 

 

“I want to give you a present,” Dan said. 

 

“You don’t have to-” 

 

“I want to.” 

 

“No, really, it’s fine-” 

 

“Phil.” 

 

The rest of Phil’s words died in his mouth. His eyes met Dan’s. 

 

“You’ve given me a lot of your time and showed me a lot of things,” Dan started. “I still don’t know where I stand with God and Christianity and Catholicism, but I do know that this Christmas break was really really good. One of the best I’ve had. And that in itself is one hell of a Christmas gift to me, even if you don’t think so. Thanks.” 

 

Phil sighed and his lips curved upwards. “You’re welcome, Dan. I’m really glad you enjoyed it.” 

 

“So for my Christmas present,” Dan walked towards the keyboard, “I’m going to play you Interrupted by Fireworks from Final Fantasy, because it reminds me of you.” 

 

Phil blushed as Dan’s fingers started gliding across the keyboard. The melody was soft yet so sure of itself. Dan felt Phil’s eyes on him the entire time. He could feel his heart stuttering and stumbling, and his cheeks burned even though it was winter and quite chilly this time around. 

 

Although piano notes filled the room, there was something else that Dan felt had unfolded in that room. Something so quiet and subtle, waiting to be acknowledged. 

 

Something deeper and roaring like a lion in his heart. 

 

Something faintly familiar that had been buried for years. 


	10. Take Courage

The rest of Christmas break was filled with frequent visits to St. Matthew’s House and Dan and Phil going out for coffee afterwards. One time, they even invited Lillian. The warm good feeling he got in his heart when he saw Lillian’s face light up when he and Phil bought her a large hot chocolate during their trip to Starbucks was a feeling he’d never get tired of. 

 

Lillian went out of her way to get Dan and Phil presents the following day, which was surprising to say the least. They tried to persuade her that gifts for them weren’t necessary. However, the effort was futile and they were supplied with blankets and socks and mittens she knitted, insisting that they needed them. 

 

Unfortunately, she made them the wrong size. In fact, they were around ten sizes too small, as they were made for a size that belonged to baby Thomas. They had a good laugh about it when they attempted to try on the socks and mittens, but Dan and Phil had no heart to throw them out or give them back so they just kept them. Lillian’s efforts were definitely appreciated.

 

Despite the age difference, especially between Phil and Lillian, the three of them became good friends. She came over to the Lesters at New Year's’ Eve and played with the sparklers while Mrs. Lester offered to hold Thomas. 

 

Phil took many pictures, mostly selfies, but there were some photos Dan found as he scrolled through Phil’s camera. They were pretty artsy pictures. One was of Lillian smiling as she held the sparkler outside in the snow. Another was of Mrs. Lester holding baby Thomas. And then there was one of Dan playing the piano. It was a stolen picture, obviously, as Dan would have remembered being a subject of Phil’s photography. 

 

On the day Dan and Phil had to depart from Manchester, Lillian tried not to cry as she hugged both of them. Phil held baby Thomas one last time before he and Dan boarded the train back to London. 

 

“Phil?” 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“Thanks for a great Christmas break.” 

 

Their short-clipped conversation was in whispers, as the people around them were silent unsurprisingly. 

 

Phil huffed out a small laugh and looked over at Dan. “Glad to help.” 

  
  


~ 

  
  


University life was back to normal, except it also wasn’t. Something seemed to have changed. 

 

Dan didn’t know if it was the way he leaned closer to Phil nowadays while they were sitting together on the couch playing a videogame, or if it was the way their long legs intertwined slightly under the table during their almost daily Starbucks rendezvous. 

 

He ignored the implied looks from PJ and the understanding smiles from Kelly and the not-so-subtle smirks from Jude. They had no business in how he and Phil interacted. They were just becoming closer, that’s all. Maybe. 

 

Dan couldn’t deny the simply biological evidence that he was now in love with Phil Lester. The blushes and shy intimate looks and the soft smiles have become the new normal between them, and Dan didn’t mind that at all. In fact, he  _ loved  _ it. 

 

The crisp white envelope lying on his bed gave Dan a giddy feeling when he and Phil entered Dan’s dorm. He immediately snatched up the envelope and showed it to Phil. 

 

“It’s from my mum,” Dan said with a grin. 

 

“It is? Open it!” 

 

Dan sat down on his bed, Phil sitting next to him, and opened the envelope. He took out the worn out paper and unfolded it.  

 

“Do you want to read it privately?” Phil asked softly. 

 

“No,” Dan shook his head, “stay.” 

 

Phil rested his head on Dan’s shoulder, which elicited a swarm of butterflies in Dan’s stomach. He smelled fresh and amazing. It was mixture of fruity cologne and the natural scent of  _ Phil.  _

  
  


**Dear Dan,**

 

**How are you, sweet pea? I appreciate the Christmas card you sent me, even though it was slightly late! Although I do not blame you. The post needs a Christmas break too. I know this envelope will be sent late because the post here is running slow, but I will still wish you a very blessed Christmas and a Happy New Year.**

 

**Keep your heart and mind open and always know that I love you very much and will always support you with every step you take. Take courage.**

 

**Blessings,**

**Mum**

  
  


Dan put down the letter, grin still plastered to his face. It’s been weeks since he wrote back to his mother. He sent his Christmas card back during semester exams in the first week of December. Technically, the last card he sent to his mother was last year. Yes, he could make that joke. 

 

“Your mother seems so nice,” Phil said, finally lifting his head off of Dan’s shoulder. Dan did his best not to whine, missing the sensation already. 

 

“Yeah, she’s the best.” 

 

“So are you ready to head to our next session?” Phil asked, standing up from the bed. 

 

“Where are we going now?” 

 

“An observatory.” 

 

“Woah, shit, really?” Dan’s eyes widened. 

 

“Yep!” Phil said. “I booked tickets at the beginning of the year for this sole purpose!” 

 

“Damn, that’s some dedication.” 

 

“You could say I was quite enthusiastic when you agreed to letting me show you God again,” Phil said. 

 

“I can definitely imagine that,” Dan chuckled. 

 

“Our scheduled show is in an hour, so how about we get something to eat on the way?” 

 

“Yeah, sounds good.” 

 

~ 

 

Dan and Phil stopped at a small local cafe for dinner before heading to the planetarium at the Royal Observatory. The atmosphere was the same as a fancy museum and there were students touring around as well. 

 

“This way,” Phil said to Dan, who was thoroughly fascinated by the aesthetic of the place. 

 

They eventually arrived at the planetarium for their show, called “The Sky Tonight.” Basically, they would be able to look up at the stars and the galaxy through a powerful telescope, narrated by an astronomer. 

 

The seats were comfortable and inclined so that people would lay down and be able to stare up at the telescope sights above. Dan and Phil took their seats and a few minutes later the show started. 

 

The astronomer talked about many things, mostly guiding the people through the stars and galaxies, occasionally pointing out planets. Dan was mostly enthralled with the spectacular visuals of outer space. 

 

It was truly beautiful, a piece of art. 

 

_ He  _ was a piece of art. Despite the amazing sight above him, Phil decided that a more beautiful sight was laying beside him. Dan’s brown eyes were wide and filled with awe and wonder; they mirrored the brightly lit stars he was admiring. His face illuminated with the blue of the outer space. 

 

Phil stared at the piece of art beside him, a man named Dan. 

 

He was made by God, no doubt about it. He was created as a beautiful specimen, both inside and out. 

 

“Phil?” Dan whispered, still looking up at the stars.

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“God’s one hell of an artist.” 

 

Phil smiled and laughed quietly, laying his eyes on the beautiful night sky above him. “Yes, yes He is.” 

  
  


~ 

  
  


“Thanks for showing me that,” Dan said as Phil returned to the table with their Starbucks drinks. 

 

“Of course!” Phil smiled. “You seemed to really enjoy it.” 

 

“I fucking love outer space, it’s really really pretty.” 

 

“It really is. Like you said, ‘God’s one hell of an artist.’”

 

“He is though!” Dan exclaimed. “If he’s real, that is.” 

 

Phil shook his head. Patience truly was key with Dan. “Yeah, yeah.” 

 

“But really, Phil, it was so beautiful.” 

 

Phil nodded, still smiling. “Whenever I look up at the night sky and see how beautiful the natural world is, I think that this all couldn’t have happened by chance. There had to be a creator, a divine artist.” 

 

“Yeah, I get that. But it could also simply be a statistic, a mere coincidence. I mean, no one can prove that this was either a coincidence or fate. Because of the sole reason we’re here and existing, there’s that really small possibility that it all just happened by chance.” 

 

“But there’s also that huge possibility that it wasn’t by chance,” Phil countered. “You look at the world and how everything natural just seems to click and work out perfectly. Like our human bodily system, the elements in chemistry, the visual proportions in nature, it all just somehow works. How could it not be an accident?” 

 

Dan sighed, shaking his head. 

 

“Sorry,” Phil said. “Am I going too far?”

 

“No, no, you’re fine!” Dan assured. “I’m just- I still need time to figure this all out, where I stand with Christianity and religion in general, to be honest.” 

 

“Yeah, of course! It’s hard to take in, I’ll admit. I’m sorry if I’ve been forceful with things.” 

 

“It’s fine.” 

 

“No, it’s not. Because I know where you’ve been, actually. All the uncertainty and pressure, people trying to force the religion on me. It was rough, and I guess I’ve just been so desperate to do some good by trying to force Christianity on you sometimes that I forgot to put into perspective on how you felt.” 

 

“You were quite overzealous with it,” Dan admitted, “but I see where you’re coming from.” 

 

“I actually wasn’t born Catholic either. I was converted.” 

“Yeah, Miranda told me.” 

 

“She did?” Phil turned to Dan with his eyes wide. He groaned. “Of course she had to tell you. What else did she spill?” 

 

“Nothing else really,” Dan said. “She said it wasn’t her place to tell me the details, and that it would be better if I asked you about it and it came from you.” 

 

“I see.” 

 

“You don’t have to tell me until you’re ready,” Dan said. 

 

“Actually, I  _ have  _ been meaning to tell you about my past for a long time,” Phil said. 

 

Dan nodded, looking at Phil expectantly. 

 

“My mum took off after I was born, leaving me with my dad,” Phil started. “My dad took care of me until he died in a car crash when I was six, so I had to go into the foster care system. I could never stay in one home, could never get adopted. I started getting into drugs and alcohol and became your typical rebellious teenager. I liked the feeling of the high and how it took my mind off of everything going on in my life. Just living in constant bliss despite the pretty messy aftermath when the drugs or drinking wore down. 

 

“Finally, I moved to a foster home for especially rebellious teens when I was fifteen. I lived with a bunch of other teens like myself. A lot of them who were older and leaving soon to become adults had a plan for their life, and I had none. Then Marley, the adult foster, she was a Catholic. She wouldn’t give up on me, she wouldn’t give up on anyone, actually.

 

“She converted me to Christianity when I was seventeen, and I got baptized on Easter. I received all the sacraments too, like I could go to Communion and Confession and all that. For once, my life felt like it wasn’t pointless and just speeding on and on down an endless road. I had a destination. Then I got adopted that same year by my mum and dad, the Lesters. They helped me piece my life back together, helped me raise my grades and get service hours to get into this university. 

 

“When I came to St. Leo’s, I was still addicted to drugs and all that, which put me in the low-end of my classes. But with the help of my friends and some of my professors and the sisters and priests here, I finally beat my addiction a year ago, and it honestly feels amazing. I feel free. 

 

“After all the stuff I’ve done that I’m not proud of, after all of these people helping me, I wanted to give back somehow, like I owed them all. I wanted to do something good for myself for once, and that’s when I met you.” 

 

A bittersweet smile graced Dan’s lips. “I’m glad you turned your life around Phil. Really, I really am.” 

 

“Thanks Dan,” Phil said with a shy smile. “How about you? Wanna tell me your history?” 

 

Dan stayed silent for a minute, his eyes flickering to the Crucifix necklace hanging around Phil’s neck. Memories flashed briefly through him and he recoiled and shook his head fervently. 

 

“Not today, I’m sorry,” he said, his voice cracking slightly.  

 

Phil frowned. “That’s fine. It’s getting late anyway, we should probably head back to campus.” 

 

Dan nodded, the both of them standing up and leaving the coffee shop, tossing their drinks into the garbage can on the way out. 

 

The city of London bustled around them as they walked in comfortable silence back to the campus. Phil let his eyes wander towards Dan, watching as the brown-haired boy stared at the city around him, appearing lost in his thoughts. 

 

“Woah!” Dan shouted as he nearly tripped over a random empty bottle on the pavement. He felt Phil’s hand grip his own and pull him back onto his feet. 

 

“Nearly fell,” Phil mumbled, his hand still gripped tightly around Dan’s. 

 

“Yeah,” Dan said awkwardly, “thanks.” 

 

Phil was still gripping his hand, but Dan honestly didn’t mind. In fact, he rather liked the feeling of Phil’s soft hand surrounding his. He wondered what it’d be like if their fingers interlaced, or if their hands were simply holding each other’s in a more romantic situation rather than an awkward one like right now. 

 

“Er-” 

 

“Sorry!” Phil said, quickly retracting his hand and shoving it in his pocket. “My bad…” 

 

“It’s fine,” Dan said with a dismissive wave of his hand. 

 

The rest of their walk was silent, although the air around them was slightly more awkward and just a bit more tense, but not in a bad way. 

 

When Dan finally arrived at his (unsurprisingly) empty dorm, he dressed into his pyjamas, brushed his teeth, and flopped onto his bed. His eyes were wide open, staring at the ceiling. 

 

His left hand could still feel Phil’s hand wrapped tightly around his. He sighed and closed his eyes, finally drifting off into a sleep filled with warm embraces, the scent of fruity cologne, and shared intimate looks with a pair of beautiful blue eyes.


	11. You Make Me Brave

**Mum,**

 

**I’ve been so confused about a lot of things. It seems that everyday I become more conflicted with where I stand with God and religion. I don’t know what to believe in anymore. It’s like I’m so close, but there’s always this one voice of doubt keeping me from giving in. I’m lost and don’t know what to think. I thought it would be easy, but it isn’t. I thought I would never change my beliefs, ever go back to Christianity, but now I don’t know.**

 

**I’ve also been confused with my feelings for someone. Yes, that’s right, your son is in love. With a man. I’m in love with Phil. Please don’t hate me, mum. I know you never would, but I don’t know who else to turn to. I don’t know what to do**

 

Dan sighed and pushed away the letter, leaning back on his desk. He choked up a sob, then suddenly the tears started flowing. One teardrop turned into one hundred, then it was uncountable. 

 

He pressed his hands against his face, feeling the dampness of his cheeks and crying hideously into his palms to muffle the sound. 

 

He wasn’t exactly sure why he was crying. It seemed to be a mixture of everything from his blurred boundary between being religious and nonreligious to his supposedly forbidden love for Phil. It had been two months since that fateful Christmas night. Two months since he realized he was falling in love with Phil fucking Lester. 

 

Just then, Jude came in. Fucking Jude. Why the fuck was he here? He’s never here. 

 

“Howell,” he drawled. “What’s up with the hands on your face thing?” 

 

“Fuck off,” Dan hissed, his voice muffled through his hands. 

 

“Geez,” Jude said with a roll of his eyes as he set down his large bag. “Someone’s in a mood.” 

 

Dan decided to simply ignore Jude. Asshole. 

 

Getting fed up with his annoying roommate’s presence, he decided to go and see Phil, making sure to slam the door extra loudly on his way out. 

 

~ 

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil asked softly, sitting next to Dan on the couch. The brown-haired boy had his face in his hands again. He shook his head. 

 

“Are you sure?” Phil persisted. 

 

Dan nodded his head. He finally lifted his face out of his hands and rested his head on Phil’s shoulder, burying his face into it. The world seemed to feel smaller and cozier this way. 

 

“I, um,” Dan cleared his throat and finally unburied his face from Phil and sat with his knees pressed up against his chest. “I’m so confused about a lot of things. I don’t know where I stand with religion anymore. It’s like I’m not a Christian yet I’m not an Atheist. I’m just… I don’t know.” 

 

“It’s okay to not know,” Phil said. “I went through it too.” 

 

“What was it like?” 

 

“A hell lot of crying and frustration. It wasn’t an easy road, it’s so much confusion and questioning and doubt. Like you want to believe but you’re not sure. Like you want to convert but there’s always something holding you back.” 

 

Dan nodded. Phil hit his feelings dead on. 

 

Phil turned to face Dan and Dan did the same. His eyes met Dan’s glossy reddened ones. 

 

“What do you believe is holding you back?” Phil asked, his voice a mere whisper. 

 

Dan’s eyes flickered down, deep in thought, for a minute or two. He finally met Phil’s eyes again and said, “How do Catholics view the LGBT community?” 

 

Phil looked taken aback by the question, his eyes enlarged and his mouth slightly open. He shrugged. “There’s lots of different views on it. Some people are tolerant of it and think that as long as they don’t act on that homosexuality, then they’re fine. Others believe that it’s completely okay and very accepting. Then there’s of course your complete homophobes who want nothing to do with the LGBT community and believe they’re all going to hell no matter what.” 

 

“How do you look at it?” 

 

Long silence. 

 

Phil bit his lip thoughtfully. After a few minutes, he finally spoke. “I believe that love is love, no matter what. As long as it’s true and real, not perverse and wild, and you feel it both inside and out, then God will gladly stand with you at that altar whether there’s a bride and groom, two grooms, or two brides.” 

 

Dan stared at Phil, seemingly searching for something in him. 

 

“I’m gay,” Dan whispered. 

 

Time seemed to stand even more still, as if a hundred years were flying by in just a few seconds. Then Dan felt Phil’s arms wrap around him, pulling him close. Dan shut his eyes and embraced Phil back, holding him. He felt his heartbeat start to accelerate, his feelings pushing on the gas pedal of his heart. 

 

_ I love you. I’m so in love with you,  _ Dan thought to himself wildly. He finally pulled away from Phil. 

 

“Come with me,” Phil said. “I want to show you something.” 

 

Dan nodded eagerly, his eyes wide and his mind racing. Phil stood up and went to grab keys from one of his bottom drawers. He then grabbed him by the wrist and lead him out of his dorm. 

 

Blood pumping in his ears, he and Phil raced down the stairs and Phil led him out of the campus and towards the parking lot, an area of the campus Dan wasn’t familiar with. He didn’t have a car and the metro was efficient and he didn’t need to go far usually, so why bother bringing a car? 

 

Phil lead Dan into the parking lot and towards a brand new motorcycle with two helmets hanging on the handles. 

 

_ Wait a minute,  _ Dan thought. 

 

Phil plugged the keys into the ignition and started up the motorcycle, tossing Dan a helmet and putting on the other one. 

 

“How long have you been riding a motorcycle?” Dan asked. 

 

“For a while since I was sixteen! I just got this new one with a built in radio in the helmets!” Phil answered. 

 

“Holy shit!” Dan shouted, a grin now etched onto his face. He put the helmet on and climbed onto the motorcycle behind Phil. 

 

“Where do you want to go?” Phil asked. 

 

“Uhh,” Dan thought for a while, “honestly, let’s find open road. I wanna get out of this stuffy city.” 

 

“You got it!” 

 

Phil started playing music, which sounded from the helmet, making Dan jump in surprise. Phil laughed and eased out of the parking lot, heading into the city. 

 

It took a while to get to open road, but once they were well out of London and into the suburban highway, Phil started picking up the speed and the wind started whipping at Dan’s clothing, and all Dan could do was hold on tight as a new song started playing in Dan’s ears. 

 

**_I stand before You now_ **

**_The greatness of Your renown_ **

 

**_I have heard of the majesty and wonder of You_ **

**_King of Heaven, in humility, I bow_ **

 

Dan looked around him and started to see grassy areas and open sky. There were no skyscrapers or monochrome concrete buildings a beautiful blue sky dotted with white clouds. Dan smiled like mad, whooping and hollering over the roar of the motorcycle. He felt Phil laugh in his embrace. 

 

**_As Your love, in wave after wave_ **

**_Crashes over me, crashes over me_ **

 

**_For You are for us_ **

**_You are not against us_ **

 

**_Champion of Heaven you made a way_ **

**_For all to enter in_ **

 

Phil started maneuvering past large trucks that were blocking Dan’s view. He could faintly hear Phil singing along with the song, which made Dan’s heart swoon. Just a little bit. They finally made it past the trucks and the road was less cluttered with vehicles. Dan took in the view once more as the wind rushed past his ears and through his body. 

 

**_You make me brave_ **

**_You make me brave_ **

**_You call me out beyond the shore into the waves_ **

 

**_You make me brave_ **

**_You make me brave_ **

**_No fear can hinder now the promises You made_ **

 

Dan felt so wonderfully alive in this very moment. He started singing along with the bridge, as the lyrics were the same phrase over and over again, louder and louder, ascending to the sky: 

 

**_You make me brave_ **

**_You make me brave_ **

**_You call me out beyond the shore into the waves!_ **

 

**_You make me brave_ **

**_You make me brave_ **

**_No fear can hinder now the promises You made!_ **

 

He felt free, more free than he has ever felt. He thought of his father, the choir boys, Grant, the judgmental stares, the standards he could never live up to, his younger brother Noah now free from this miserable world. 

 

Every single shitty thing in his life up to now seemed to slip away with the wind rushing past him. Every chain breaking, his heart beating wildly and his blood running through his veins. His entire body, both inside and out, was roaring like a lion. 

 

He felt brave, and he was. 

 

**_Because of love, in wave after wave_ **

**_Crashing over me, crashing over me_ **

 

**_For you are for us_ **

**_You are not against us_ **

 

**_Champion of Heaven You made a way_ **

**_For all to enter in_ **


	12. Starlight

It had been a month since Dan wrote his letter to his mother but never sent it. Alas, it was tucked in his drawer, safe and sound, probably never to be read by anyone but Dan himself. 

 

University life had flown by quickly. In just a blink of an eye, it was already well into the first week of April. St. Leo’s would release their students for Easter break, which would also count as their spring break. 

 

“I miss the stars,” Dan would always say to Phil, who would simply hum in agreement. But today was special; Dan could feel it somewhere in his gut. 

 

Phil promised him that today would be one of his favorite sessions, which stirred a feeling of almost childish excitement inside of Dan. 

 

First it was the coffee shop, a well-worn tradition between them now. With winter diminishing, the two men were glad to rid of their extra layers of coats, opting for sweaters over shirts, which looked much more aesthetic for Dan’s nitpicky fashion taste. 

 

Setting down their coffee cups on the table, Phil slid into the booth. Meanwhile, Dan’s hands were folded on the table, twiddling his thumbs and biting his lip as he pondered. 

 

He looked at Phil, sitting across from him, sipping his macchiato and recoiling from the scalding sting of the liquid. He smiled fondly, which he found himself doing more often than he expected. But then again, who couldn’t resist the adorable quirky charm of Philip Lester? 

 

He wondered if he should tell him about his past, whether he was ready to take that step or not. Dan knew he had spent many months, even years, bottling up his past from others. Not that many people he ran into in his life up until now really cared. Phil was one of those few who did, so didn’t he deserve the deepest and most vulnerable knowledge Dan could offer about himself to a person he highly trusted? 

 

He wasn’t sure, but it didn’t stop him from saying, “I think I’m ready to tell you about my past.” 

 

Phil’s eyes met his and he set down his drink. He placed his hands on his lap and silently urged Dan to continue. 

 

Dan heaved a big sigh, picking nervously at his sweater. “I, um, I grew up in a Catholic family. It was me, my mum, my father, and my little brother Noah. My mum divorced my father when I was ten and my brother was seven and she moved to South Africa to work as a missionary. It was like my whole world had fallen apart, but what did me in was the heartbroken look on my brother’s face.” 

 

Dan took a pause and shut his eyes briefly. He inhaled a shaky breath and continued on. “He, er, he died. He died in a car crash a year later. I was eleven. I didn’t believe in God for a while after the accident, but then eventually I came back to Christianity because of my mum. She would always send me letters and I’d send letters back. We’d also Skype whenever she could, which was always nice. She was the only reason I stayed Catholic.

 

“When I was fourteen, my dad had me join this choir because he saw I’d always sing around the house. I’d always sing to pass the time, any kind of song that had a nice melody to it, because it’d keep my mind off of everything shitty that’s happened in my life so far. So I joined the boys’ choir at my church, which was really full of dicks. Literally.” 

 

A hint of a smile graced Phil’s lips, but it quickly faded. He looked like he wanted to laugh, but Dan could feel that the somber look on his face was the reason why Phil didn’t. 

 

“And then,” Dan continued, “I met this boy named Grant. He was this amazing person, someone I looked up to so much.” 

 

Phil nodded understandingly. 

 

Dan laughed bitterly and shook his head. “You’d think he was the emotionally strongest person ever, like nothing could ever get to him…” He closed his eyes again and his hands clenched. “I, we, uh, we dated for a while. Months. We’d get bullied by the other boys in the choir because we’d hold hands and stuff. But there was this one particular gang that’d always target me and Grant while we walked home. They’d beat us up every week, each week getting worse and worse.” 

 

Phil looked devastated, his eyes glossy and his mouth slightly open in shock. Dan hated seeing that look on Phil’s face, hated seeing the person he loved so upset and guilt-ridden by something that wasn’t even his fault. 

 

After a moment of silence, Dan forced himself to keep going. “We both became seriously depressed. I told him, I  _ told him _ , that we should tell someone. But I was too much of wuss to argue with him when he’d say no. He said it’d get better, but it only got worse for us. It was like the life was sucked out of both of us and we were both feeding off of each other’s negative energy.” 

 

A physical pain screamed in his chest at the very thought of what came next in this tragic story that ended up being his dark past. It sucked; he couldn’t do it. His eyes were tired of holding back tears, and soon enough, when he closed his eyes, a single tear trickled down his cheek. He choked down a sob, almost like he was holding in a hiccup. Phil reached out to hug him but Dan shook his head profusely, causing Phil to sit back down in his seat reluctantly. 

 

“I…” Dan managed to say, his voice cracking slightly. “I… One night I was so fucking depressed that I powered off my phone.” His face scrunched up in overwhelming sadness it almost drowned him. He couldn’t breathe. “I couldn't- I couldn’t… The next morning I got to school, I opened up my phone to fifteen missed calls from him. Then they announced at school that he was in the hospital because he attempted to commit suicide.” 

 

He felt a soft hand brush against his own. It was Phil’s. He gently unfolded Dan’s hands and intertwined their fingers under the table. Phil’s thumbs rubbed his hands soothingly, keeping him safe. Dan took a few shaky breaths and slowly regained his composure, finding the courage to finish his story. With Phil, it didn’t seem so difficult to be brave anymore. 

 

“That’s why I can never believe in a god, Phil. I just can’t,” Dan said. “Seeing Grant’s face in that hospital, how he gave up so much hope that he was willing to take his own life. And how I could’ve stopped it, but I fucking couldn’t because my phone was off and… Fuck, it’s so fucking messed up that a godwho’s supposed to love us would let something like this happen.” 

 

“I understand,” Phil replied softly. He seemed at a loss of words, so instead he opted for holding Dan’s hands tightly in his, not letting go until Dan wanted him to. Phil could see Dan hopelessly trying to stop his crying, so he let go of Dan’s hands briefly to move to the other side of booth. He embraced Dan, holding him in his arms, letting him cry as he buried his head in his chest. Phil shielded him from the world, staying strong so Dan didn’t have to be. 

 

Admittedly, it was more than a little odd to see two men holding each other in a Starbucks, but Dan and Phil had no care in the world. It was fine. As long as he was with Phil, it was fine. 

  
  


~ 

  
  


The phone rung three times before the callee picked up. 

 

“Hello?” 

 

“Hey, Grant.” 

 

“Hey,” Grant said, surprised. “What’s up?” 

 

“I, uh, just wanted to see how you’re doing,” Dan answered. 

 

“I’m doing alright. Still going to therapy, but now it’s lowered down to once a month. Days seem to get longer and everything seems a bit brighter everyday.” 

 

“That’s amazing,” Dan said, a shadow of a smile on his face, “I’m really really glad to hear that.” 

 

“Yeah,” Grant said. “How about you? Knowing you, there’s probably another reason you called me other than to ask me how I’m doing.” 

 

“Okay, you got me,” Dan sighed. He took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling for a moment, his heart racing. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard to say it, but it was. “I’m in love with a man named Phil Lester.” 

 

Dan shut his eyes and braced himself for the worst. It was deadly silence for a few seconds, each tick of the clock like a drop of acid onto his chest. 

 

“What’s he like?” Grant asked. 

 

“Well,” Dan found a smile tugging on his lips, “he’s a right dork. He’s a few years older, but we’re really really close, to be honest. He knows about everything that happened between us, actually.” 

 

“Oh,” Grant said. “He really means a lot to you, then.” 

 

Dan nodded. “Yeah, he really does. I just really needed to tell someone. I’m scared that he won’t feel the same way.” 

 

“Sometimes you have to take that chance or else you’ll never know,” Grant said. 

 

Grant had a point and Dan knew it. He just wasn’t sure if he was ready, if Phil would ever feel the same way, if this relationship would even last. And besides, the last relationship he ever had… well, he didn’t need to go into that. 

 

“You’re right,” Dan admitted. “I… Yeah.” 

 

Grant chuckled over the phone. “I say go for it. Life is short so you have to make the most of it, as cheesy as that sounds.” 

 

“True,” Dan said, laughing slightly. “Also, Grant?” 

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I know I’ve probably said this a million times and you’re sick of hearing it, but I just can’t help it. But I’m so fucking sorry-” 

 

“Dan,” Grant interrupted, “stop it. You really need to realize that there’s nothing you could’ve done. It is what it is and you can’t change that.” 

 

“Yeah,” Dan nodded. “I have to go now. Thanks.” 

 

“No problem,” Grant replied. 

 

Dan hung up the call, realizing he forgot to say goodbye, but oh well. His phone buzzed again with a text message. 

 

**Message from Phil:**

 

**meet at park? special session tonight :)**

  
  


**Message to Phil:**

 

**be there in 5 :D**

 

Dan pocketed his phone and grabbed his key, heading to the park. It had just gotten dark out, the sun departing only a few minutes ago. He wondered what today’s session would be about. 

 

He found Phil standing awkwardly by himself at the park, the rest of the campus quiet and still, despite the city of London bustling around them. 

 

“We’re going to take a bit of a field trip,” Phil said. “To the countryside.” 

 

“Countryside?” Dan asked. 

 

“Yep, we’re going on my motorcycle. This way, if you will.” 

 

In contrast to the previous motorcycle ride he experienced with Phil, this one was more relaxing and calm. Phil didn’t drive at borderline reckless speeds, but instead just let the vehicle rumble quietly as they glided on the road away from the city, Dan looking up at the night sky. Even without the Royal Observatory’s magnification on the galaxies, the view was amazing. 

 

Phil finally stopped at a grassy hillside. If Dan was with anyone else, he’d have this burning anxiety that this was secretly a trap to his murder. However, he felt safe in the presence of Phil. He had for a while now. He wasn’t sure what changed, but when that damn black-haired boy looked at him with those blue eyes that seemed to shine even more in the darkness of the night, Dan knew there was no going back. 

 

He was falling deeper and deeper in love with Phil Lester. It was so fucking easy to be in love with Phil Lester, yet it really wasn’t for Dan. It was strange how they came from opposite views of the world and somehow managed to be together. The world was strange that way, as if there really was a large sentient force fighting for souls to be together.

 

Maybe that’s how it was with Phil. He didn’t really know anymore. 

 

“Look at the stars, Dan!” Phil said, grabbing his hand and tugging him up the hill. Dan tilted his head towards the sky and saw the dark blue canvas bespectacled with glittering stars, completely unfiltered by city lights. 

 

“Woah,” Dan said under his breath, “this is… woah.” 

 

Phil laughed as they reached the top of the small hill and gestured for Dan to lay down. 

 

They both laid down on their backs and simply stargazed. Silence was natural and conversations were scarce. It was just him, Phil, and the world. What a tranquil feeling it was. 

 

After a while, Phil finally spoke. “What separates humans from other living things on this earth is rationality and our souls. When God made humans, He made us in His image and likeness. Every human contains a piece of God. We inherit a portion of His intelligence, His soul, His gifts. He wants us to use the gifts He gave us to make something of the world, to make it better.” 

 

“What if it’s just humans being humans? What if it’s just our nature?” Dan asked. 

 

“I thought that at first,” Phil said, “but then I think a bit deeper into it. All humans, all of us, we crave something deeper than what most of the world offers. Deep down inside all of us, there’s this want and need for something eternal, something forever. Whether that be love or happiness, it’s something beyond materialistic things, something beyond what the world can give you, or what it  _ thinks  _ you should have.” 

 

The word  _ love _ resonated in Dan’s mind, a concept that used to taste bitter in his mouth but slowly became sweeter and sweeter as he spent more and more time with Phil.  

 

“So you think that this want in all humans for something eternal is the ultimate reason why you believe there’s a god out there?” Dan asked. 

 

Phil nodded, turning his head slightly towards Dan. “It just makes sense to me. In psychology in my freshman year, there was this thing called Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. And what intrigued me most was as it got higher up on the pyramid, I started to think that these needs rose above the common materialistic needs of the world. Like all humans, when they have every basic thing they need to survive, start to search for something deeper within themselves. I don’t know.” 

 

“I see where you’re coming from,” Dan said. “I just- I still don’t know.” 

 

“You don’t have to decide or completely convert back to Christianity, Dan. It’ll happen when it happens, if you want it to.” 

 

“Honestly, I don’t really know what to think of anything anymore. It’s like I want to believe but there’s just something holding me back.” 

 

“I’ve been there,” Phil said. “Sometimes you just have to take that leap of faith at some point. That’s why they call religion ‘faith.’ But you’ll know when that time comes. For now, though, I just appreciate you being here.” 

 

Dan blushed, his heart racing slightly. Thank god it was dark. “I appreciate you being here too. You’re such a great person.” 

 

“Am I?” Phil asked, seemingly more to himself than to Dan.  

 

“You are,” Dan reassured. “You- Yeah, you’re more amazing than you think.” 

 

Phil smiled bashfully. “You’re more amazing.” 

 

“Shut up, I’m not.” 

 

“Yes you are.” 

 

“No.” 

 

“We’re both amazing, then, how about that?” 

 

“Fine,” Dan relented, a stupid grin now glued to his face. Both of them were now stood up on the hill, catching their breath. They eventually stopped and just went with simply staring at one another. Dan could tell Phil was waiting for something, an almost expectant glint in his eyes. 

 

Dan felt a lump in his throat. He couldn’t speak, even if he wanted to. He felt Phil’s hand reaching for his, and soon they were holding hands. Usually this would be normal, but something felt different now. 

 

And soon, Phil was leaning in and Dan let him. He felt Phil’s hands on his shoulders. He was so close and Dan couldn’t breathe; he didn’t want to anyway. 

 

Their lips met and the world was still as they kissed under the stars. Dan pulled Phil closer to him, their feet fumbling slightly. Phil almost toppled onto him if it weren’t for Dan who caught him, their lips still connected. 

 

“I love you, Phil,” Dan said, nearly out of breath during the short time their lips were separated. “I’m so fucking in love with you, damn it.” 

 

Phil merely chuckled and pressed their lips together again, this time slightly more demanding. 

 

Later that night, Dan and Phil stumbled into Dan’s (unsurprisingly) empty dorm. The tension was above the roof and the temperature rising rapidly between them as Phil pulled off his jacket and Dan tugged off his. They toed off their shoes and fell onto the bed. 

 

Phil didn’t stop and Dan didn’t want him to. They kept kissing, needy whines and slight moans easing their way in as well. 

 

“D’you have anything?” Phil mumbled, pulling away from Dan. 

 

“Shit, no,” Dan said, but then his eyes widened when they laid on his bedside drawer. For once, thank god for Jude. He opened up his drawer and pulled out the packets of condoms and lube. “Here.” 

 

“Okay, good. Don’t want you getting hurt.” 

 

Dan found his heart warming up slightly, opting to tug his shirt off and pull Phil in to meet their lips again. 

  
  


~ 

  
  


Dan was probably late for a lecture, but he really couldn’t bring himself to care, especially when he was lying in his bed with Phil cuddled up next to him (slightly on top of him to conserve space, of course) and sleeping like an angel. Sort of. 

 

Okay, he was snoring like a lion but Dan could live with it. He found it quite adorable. 

 

Luckily Jude texted Dan that he was staying over at a friend’s last night and wouldn’t be back in his dorm until later tonight, thank  _ god.  _

 

A few minutes passed until the sleeping man next to him (and slightly on top of him) slowly opened his eyes. Phil groaned and closed his eyes again, nestling his head further into Dan’s shoulder. 

 

Dan really couldn’t be any happier. Although he did lose his virginity, he wouldn’t have it any other way. He also learned that Phil is a gentle lover. He wouldn’t stop asking if Dan was okay until Dan told Phil he’d cry if he didn’t get on with it. 

 

Phil eventually awoke again, rubbing his eyes and blinking a few times. Dan smiled and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Morning, loser.” 

 

“Hnnng, what?” Phil mumbled lethargically, sitting up and yawning. Then he froze. 

 

Phil slowly looked around him, his eyes completely wide. Dan felt unsettled with the distraught clearly written on the black-haired man’s face. 

 

“Phil?” Dan asked tentatively. 

 

Phil pressed his hands over his mouth, his eyes shining with tears. “No, no no no no…” 

 

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked, his hand reaching for Phil, but he recoiled. Dan pulled his hand back in shock. 

 

“Oh god no, please don’t tell me…” Phil stumbled out of bed, only in his boxers, and started gathering his clothes and tugging them on fretfully, mumbling to himself. 

 

“Phil? What- Don’t go!” Dan exclaimed, jumping out of his bed and trying to reach for Phil again. 

 

When Phil finally pulled on his jacket, he stared at Dan, clearly horrified at either himself or Dan or maybe both of them. 

 

“Was this your first time?” Phil whispered shakily. 

 

Dan didn’t know whether to tell Phil the truth or not, but Phil took his loss of words as an affirmative when the devastation became clear in his eyes. 

 

He’d never seen Phil cry before; there were times where he was close, but Dan knew he fucked up big time when that single tear trailed down Phil’s cheek. 

 

“Phil…” 

 

“I have to go,” Phil said, rushing out of the dorm, leaving Dan standing alone in the room, heartbroken once again.  

 


	13. Out of Hiding

**Message to Phil (10:02 AM on April 8)**

 

**Phil? I miss you**

  
  


**Message to Phil (12:21 PM on April 8)**

 

**Did I do something wrong? Please tell me, I didn’t mean to upset you :(**

  
  


**Message to Phil (3:17 PM on April 8)**

 

**Please talk to me**

  
  


**Message to Phil (11:15 PM on April 9)**

 

**I’m sorry, please don’t hate me, please**

  
  


After hours of constant guilt and heartbreak eating away at his soul, Dan decided to take action and went over to Phil’s dorm. Knocking on the door, he didn’t expect Phil’s roommate, Chris, to answer. 

 

“Hi… Chris?”

 

“Yep, that’s me!” Chris greeted with a grin. “Are you Dan?”

 

“Yeah, is Phil here?” 

 

The grin on Chris’s face melted into hesitance. “Er- Phil isn’t really up for seeing anyone right now…” 

 

Dan’s hopeful demeanor vanished and was replaced with a frown. “Oh.” 

 

“I’m really sorry,” Chris said earnestly. 

 

Dan didn’t answer, his heart now aching. This confirmed that Phil didn’t want to see him; he probably hated him, realized that Dan was no good for his life. 

 

As he walked away from Chris without another word, he laughed derisively to himself. 

 

_ What was I thinking? Someone like Phil would actually fall for me.  _

 

_ I’m so fucking stupid. He probably doesn’t want anything to do with a random stubborn Atheist who’s fucking messed up.  _

 

Luckily, tomorrow was Easter break for St. Leo’s. He had a plan. Finish his letter to his mum, or more like crumple it up and burn it and start a new one, and send it in the post before he leaves for home tomorrow. He’d rather be away from the university for a while, away from Phil, right now. 

 

With a solid plan intact, Dan marched back to his dorm. Nothing could stop him. 

 

He was a man on a mission. Except for one thing. 

 

The letter was gone. 

 

Dan panicked as he raided all of his desk drawers and folders and backpacks. It wasn’t here. Where the  _ fuck  _ did it go? He considered raiding Jude’s drawer, but decided against it. He’d interrogate the little fucker later. 

 

The door opened and the familiar arrogant voice rung, “Hello roommate.” 

 

_ Speaking of the devil,  _ Dan thought bitterly. “Where’s my letter?” 

 

“What letter?” Jude asked, the dazed and bored tone of his voice irritating Dan to no end. This… whatever type of relationship he and his roommate had, was confusing as hell. But right now, Dan didn’t think so highly of said roommate. 

 

“I know you took it,” Dan snarled, storming towards Jude so he was inches away from his face. “Where the fuck is it?” 

 

“Well that’s no way to ask a peer a question, is it, Howell?” 

 

“Don’t give me fucking snark, Ascott. You’re the  _ only other person  _ who’s in this actual fucking dorm, even though most times you’re off god knows fucking where, so where is it?” 

 

Jude feigned a look of shock, which quickly melted into a malicious grin. “I beg to differ, Howell. Quite recently, more specifically last night, actually, I recall you bringing a special guest into our beloved dorm. I, of course, wanted to be courteous and decided to stay at a friend’s, but I was ever so surprised you’d be that bold, Howell, especially with the antics you and your guest were up to, and the fact that you’re in a Catholic University,  _ and  _ the fact that your guest was a male named Philip Lest-” 

 

The door slam shut behind Dan on his way out of the dorm, leaving his dick of a roommate alone. His cheeks burned red and his heart was pounding wildly, his fists clenched tightly and his teeth gritted in pure unadulterated fury. 

  
  


~ 

  
  


The next morning found Dan at the train station in Wokingham, backpack on his shoulders and phone in hand. He wasn’t staying for long, only a day or two to visit some familiar places in his hometown. He’d rather not spend time with his father, but at this point, it was a better option than staying at the university, where he risked running into Phil. 

 

Walking home was a bittersweet scene. All of streets and old brick buildings were a somewhat comforting sight, yet they struck painful chords in Dan’s heartstrings as well, especially as he passed by the hospital. 

 

Finally, he arrived at his childhood house. Opening the door, the smell of perfumed wood and cinammon candles greeted him. Puzzled at the faint coziness resonating in the house, he walked further down the hall and into the lounge. 

 

“Hello?” Dan called out tentatively, cautiously setting down his backpack on one of the sofa chairs. He heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Turning around, his face lit up at the sight of his mother. 

 

“Dan!” 

 

“MUM!” 

 

A split second later, Dan had his arms wrapped tightly around his mother. She was  _ here. In person!  _ They stood in the middle of the hall, embracing for what felt like hours. It had been forever since he last saw his mum, probably a year ago during Christmas. 

 

“Missed you,” Dan’s mother said as she pressed a kiss on her son’s cheek. “Missed you loads.” 

 

“You have no idea how happy I am to see you,” Dan replied, his voice slightly muffled as his head was buried in his mother’s shoulder, taking in as much physical contact as he could. 

 

Dan’s mother chuckled and kept her arms wound around Dan until he finally pulled away. He laughed, not sure if it was out of happiness or exhaustion. 

 

“I made some scones in the kitchen if you’re hungry, dear.” 

 

“Really? You’re a lifesaver,” Dan said as he made his way to the kitchen and treated himself to a handful of the fluffy treats. “Why are you here?” 

 

“Come and sit in the lounge and I’ll explain everything, alright?” 

 

Dan nodded as he followed his mother into the lounge. He caught a glimpse of a picture frame of two young brown-haired boys grinning wildly. It was him and Noah. Dan smiled endearingly at the frame, deciding to pick it up and hold it in his hands, and sat down on the couch next to his mum. 

 

“Your father is on a business trip right now. I was finally able to get a few days off from missionary work and return home for Easter. I was going to contact you today, actually, but you’re already here!” She smiled, causing Dan to smile as well. “Now, why are  _ you  _ here, young man?” 

 

Dan’s smile faded and he opted for looking at the picture frame in his hands instead of meeting his mother’s eyes. He knew that once she looked into them, she’d know everything. 

 

“I… It’s nothing,” Dan said dismissively. “Just missed home.” 

 

“Really?” Dan’s mother raised an eyebrow. “You missed your father and this town?” 

 

“Okay, so maybe not.” 

 

Before Dan could say anything else, he heard a crinkle of paper. His mother set down a slightly worn out piece of paper in front of him.  _ The letter he was going to send.  _

 

“I thought I didn’t send it yet…” Dan said in disbelief. “How did you get it?” 

 

“Your roommate sent me a little note with that letter saying he found it laying around in your desk while he was ‘raiding your drawers looking for a pen and happened upon it’ and decided to send it to me.” 

 

“That little shit,” Dan muttered. “There’s more that happened, though.” 

 

“Oh? Do tell.” 

 

Dan sighed. He went on to tell his mother everything that transpired after he wrote the letter. He told her about his religious crisis, coming out to Phil as gay, how he was in love with Phil, how they kissed under the stars and had his first time with him and how the morning after ended with Phil leaving and avoiding him. When Dan finished, dried tear trails stained his reddened face and his mother lay a comforting hand on his shoulder. 

 

“I’m sorry you had to go through that, love,” she said gently. 

 

“You’re not mad that I’m gay and I’m not a virgin anymore?” Dan asked. 

 

Dan’s mother shook her head. “Of course I’m not mad. Often times, life throws unexpected things our way and we have to learn to take them all in stride. I can’t be mad at you for who you are, Dan, nor can I be mad at you for something neither of us can change.” 

 

Dan sighed again, but this time in relief. “Thanks, mum.” 

 

“Of course.” 

 

“So what happens now?” Dan asked, his thumb sliding across the sleek wood of the picture frame still in his hands. 

 

“Whatever you wish to happen,” she answered. “I cannot make that decision for you, nor can I hide you away for the rest of the year. You have to go back to St. Leo’s at some point.” 

 

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Dan rolled his eyes playfully. 

 

“Although I do want you to know this,” she said, holding up her index finger. “Whether you believe in Him or not, God loves you. And if you so choose to turn back to Him, He is always ready to pardon and give second chances.” 

 

Dan stared at the picture frame for the longest time. He wondered if his brother was really gone with the wind and in a void of nonexistence or if there really was a God and little Noah was a happy soul in Heaven. He wondered if it was worth believing in something you weren’t so sure of, something you couldn’t fully understand. And that was the scary part, not understanding. 

 

“People wonder why science doesn’t support God,” his mother said. “Science is, by its definition, discovering and describing the world around us through observation and experiment. God is not science. He is not observable. He is not of this world we study, rather, its creator. He is beyond science, beyond the observable world. He is supernatural, if you will.” 

 

Dan couldn’t find words to respond. He didn’t feel a need to. His mother didn’t seem to be looking for one. 

 

The rest of the day consisted of Dan and his mother spending more quality time together both inside and out of the house. They acted like tourists in their own hometown, seeing all the attractions in Wokingham and taking silly pictures throughout it all. They baked cookies together later that night and placed them all in a cookie jar for Dan to take with him tomorrow when he would have to leave for uni. 

 

Parting with his mother was a bittersweet affair. They embraced for a full five minutes before Dan forced himself to let go as his train had arrived. His mother pressed a kiss on his cheek and sent him on his way, with the jar of cookies, of course. Dan watched through the window as his mother’s face floated further away from him as the train started moving forward. 

  
  


~ 

  
  


After unpacking his belongings in his dorm, or more like dropping his backpack on the floor and leaving, Dan decided to make an impromptu trip to the chapel. It was always open for students who wanted to stop by and pray, but from what Dan had heard, it was usually empty during weekdays aside from the Masses held once a week. So he was surprised when he walked through the chapel doors and saw one other person kneeling in one of the pews. It was Kelly. 

 

Dan awkwardly seated himself in the same row as her, just a few feet apart to give her space. She finally made a sign of the Cross and sat back down on the seat, pushing the kneeler back in place, and turned to Dan. “Hi, Dan.”

 

“Hey. You usually come here to pray?” 

 

“Not always, but confessions are starting soon, so I’m just getting myself in the prayer mood.” 

 

“Confessions?” 

 

Kelly nodded. “Mhm. The chapelin should be here in a minute or so. Confession’s down that left corridor at the lobby entrance. There should be a sign that says ‘Confession’ I think.” 

 

“Oh okay, thanks.” 

 

“No problem!”

Dan thought long and hard about whether he should actually go to Confession or not. It’s been years since he last went, probably around five or six. He didn’t even really remember how to do it, what to say. Wasn’t there an act of something he had to recite? 

 

“Hey Kelly?” 

 

Kelly lifted her head up looked at Dan again. “Yes?” 

 

“I, er, it’s been a while since I’ve been to Confession. Can you refresh my memory and what to do?” 

 

“Of course!” Kelly smiled, moving closer towards Dan. “So you walk in, the priest blesses you and you make the sign of the Cross. You say ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned. It’s been this long since my last confession. Then you list all of your sins and everything. Don’t hold back, the priest has probably heard worse, if I’m going to be honest. And besides, he can’t say anything you say in the confession to anyone else because he’s under a vow of secrecy. Even under court, he can’t reveal anything he’s heard in confessions. Then he’ll kinda talk to you and give you a penance you have to do, like three Hail Mary’s or something, then you’ll usually say the Act of Contrition.” 

 

“I don’t remember that,” Dan said. 

 

“That’s fine! If you don’t remember it, the priest will probably have you say something like ‘God I’m truly sorry for my sins’ or whatnot. Then he’ll absolve you from your sins, you make the sign of the Cross, and then you say thank you and you’re done!” 

 

“Wow, thank you, Kelly.” 

 

“No problem! … Again.” She gave Dan an encouraging smile before standing up, making a sign of the Cross towards the altar, and headed to Confession. 

 

Dan sighed. A part of him really didn’t want to do it, but something deep inside him seemed to need it,  _ crave  _ it, and he wanted to go and see if there was a god out there who would actually love a person like Dan. 

 

His eyes bore into the Crucifix hanging above the altar at the front of the chapel. He didn’t know why, but he decided to talk to the statue of Jesus as if it was a real person. 

 

“God, I must be crazy right now…” Dan laughed to himself and shook his head. “I don’t get it. There’s so many things that I just can’t… I just can’t  _ accept  _ right now.” 

 

His voice was now a whisper, as if he was telling someone a deep dark secret. “I want to. I really really want to, but I can’t. Not after what you did to the people I loved.” He shut his eyes and could feel his face scrunch up, trying to keep anyone from reading him like a book. It seemed pointless though. 

 

“I don’t understand how you could put them through so much pain and still call yourself a father who’s the embodiment of love,” Dan continued. “I can’t believe in a god who lets his people suffer like this. I can’t understand.”

 

His throat tightened as he gazed back at the lobby where confessions were held. Ever since Phil had come into his life, he’d found himself wondering more often. Wondering if God was really here, wondering if the love he had for Phil was okay. 

 

He found himself standing up from the pew around 20 minutes later, his steps toward the lobby echoing in the airy vacant building. Soon he stood in front of the ‘Confession’ sign, his mind whirring as he waited for his turn. When the door finally opened and a girl with brown and blue hair exited the room, her hands fiddling together, there was no going back. 

 

Dan entered the room and shut the door behind him. A screen hid the priest who was sat behind it, displaying only a mere shadowy figure. Dan sat in front of the screen and tried to remember what Kelly had told him. 

 

“Er, bless me Father, for I have sinned,” Dan said a bit unsurely. 

 

The priest seemed to offer a welcome smile from behind the screen. “How long has it been since your last confession?” 

 

“It’s been...” he thought for a moment. “It’s really been a long time, a really really long time since my last Confession. Like around five or six years.” 

 

The priest hummed and nodded. “Don’t worry about being proper around me. Talk to me as if I’m an old friend.” 

 

“Alright...”

 

“So how are you doing today?” 

 

“I’m good,” Dan said. “Just school and some other activities.” 

 

“You seem confused with many things,” the priest observed. “Care to tell me what’s been on your mind?” 

 

_ Well shit, looks like this priest can read minds,  _ Dan thought. He shrugged and kept his eyes on the palms of his hands. “Just some stuff. Okay, maybe a lot of stuff. Mostly the fact that I’m an Atheist yet I’m here going to Confession with a priest.” 

 

“Hmm. And what do you think brought you here?” 

 

“I dunno,” Dan sighed. “It all started when I met this guy named Phil who wanted to convert me back to Christianity and it was super messy and stuff, and now I’m just confused as hell about what to think of, well, all of this. Like, it’s hard going back on everything you’ve convinced yourself to believe in, or like,  _ not  _ believe in. But each day it gets harder and harder. I don’t know.” 

 

“What’s your name?” 

 

“Dan.” 

 

“Dan,” the priest tried the name on for size. “Can you tell me why you became an Atheist?” 

 

“Yeah,” Dan nodded. “To put it shortly, one of my friends and I kept on getting bullied by these boys in our church choir back when I was fourteen and it eventually led to my friend attempting suicide. But he survived, luckily. But it’s just the fact that God would let that happen, that  _ I  _ would let it happen. How could he do that to him? How could  _ I  _ do this to him? He didn’t even do anything! He didn’t even fu-...” 

 

He didn’t notice the tears dripping down his face, his vision blurring, or his nose getting stuffy. He wiped his face with his sleeve, his chest constricted. Dan tried to steady his breathing. He cleared his throat, but his voice still came out hoarse and weak. “He didn’t even do anything wrong. Yet God wouldn’t stop it.” He shook his head and shut his eyes. “I can’t- I can’t… I can’t call Him a loving Father after what he’s done to him. When I saw the look of defeat in his eyes, how he just fucking  _ gave up  _ on life and on  _ me-”  _

 

Dan let himself cry out all of the anger and hurt boiling in his throat and in his chest. It stung so badly in his heart, like a burn you couldn’t stop. That day he saw Grant at the hospital was forever imbedded in his soul. It was something that changed the most hopeful of people, and Dan was one of them. 

 

_ “LOOK ME IN THE FUCKING EYES AND TELL ME THAT GOD IS REAL!” Dan shouted across the living room, breathing heavily and his face red with anger. “TELL ME, I DARE YOU!”  _

 

_ His father gave him a withering look. “You are weak,” he hissed. “You are a traitor and a disgrace to your family.”  _

 

_ Dan grit his teeth and shook his head defiantly. “I’m not the one who still believes this bullcrap that your god is real even though he obviously doesn’t care what happens to any of us.”  _

 

_ He watched his father’s eyes narrow into slits. “You’re a disgrace to your mother. And to Noah.”  _

 

_ “NOAH DOESN’T BELIEVE IN THIS SHIT EITHER!”  _

 

_ “DID!”  _

 

_ Dan froze. Bile rose in his throat, that reminder that Noah was dead and gone. Dead in the ground and no longer here. He felt sick. He wanted to throw up.  _

 

_ “Every single person I ever fucking cared about has been RIPPED AWAY FROM ME!” Dan yelled, kicking a chair down onto the floor and watching it topple to the ground. “MY MUM, NOAH, AND NEARLY GRANT! IT’S LIKE GOD FUCKING HATES ME, GIVES ME PEOPLE IN MY LIFE TO LOVE AND THEN RIPS THEM OUT OF MY HANDS! I FUCKING HATE IT! AND ALL I HAVE LEFT IS YOU, AND YOU DON’T EVEN CARE WHAT I DO!”  _

 

_ Dan stared at his father, his eyes challenging and waiting hungrily for a response. But all he got was a bitter look, a back turned to him, and a door closed on him.  _

 

“I see,” the priest said. 

 

“You don’t see it,” Dan muttered, his eyes weary. “You don’t get it.” 

 

“I do not, but I see all of the pain and hurt resulted from it. All of the suffering and tremendous amount of guilt in your heart, the desperation and hopelessness, that loneliness from everyone you’ve ever loved being taken away from you.” 

 

Dan continued to stare resolutely at his hands. 

 

“But when these times come, where there is no one else, there is God. Waiting, wanting to comfort you, wanting to heal you, if you only let Him.” 

 

“He doesn’t want to heal me,” Dan bit back. “He doesn’t care.” 

 

“Oh, but He does,” the priest said. “Was it not you that pushed Him away when you were hurting? Was it not you who wanted Him out of your life?” 

 

Silence. 

 

“Tell me, Dan, are you afraid?” The priest asked. 

 

“What kind of question is that?” Dan responded defensively. 

 

“Are you?” The priest asked again. 

 

“Afraid of what?” 

 

“Of putting your faith in something that you believe might not be real?” 

 

Silence again. 

 

Was he afraid? Was this all some mysterious brainwashing tactic? Dan didn’t know. All he knew was that constant fear that he was wrong, that everything he knew and was familiar with was all an illusion, a mirage, one giant fairytale to make people believe there was something out there bigger than themselves. 

 

But why do people create fairy tales of a savior if they believe they don’t need one? 

 

Why? Why why why? That was always the question that had vague answers. Is that what faith is? A giant why with answers that leave the mind unsatisfied? 

 

Dan walked out of the chapel once again with more questions than he had answers. He didn’t finish the Confession, telling the priest he needed more time to sort things out. 

 

He didn’t realize the sun was already setting, but Dan decided to make a little visit back to the garden, wishing for some asylum from the hurricane that was his thoughts. As he sat on the stone bench and feasted his eyes on the beautiful flowers surrounding him, his mind seemed to be at peace, if only for a little while. 

 

“I thought I’d find you here.” 

 

Of course. 

 

Who else would it be? 

 

Dan didn’t turn to look at him. “I love nature. You know that.” 

 

“I do,” Phil said, carefully treading closer towards Dan. “How are you?” 

 

“I’ve been better,” Dan answered honestly. “Aren’t you supposed to be ignoring me?” 

 

“Wasn’t supposed to. May I sit and have a proper conversation with you?” 

 

“Only if you won’t run away from me again,” Dan said warily. 

 

“I won’t let you down, I promise.” 

 

Dan finally turned his head to look up at Phil, silence filling the space between them for a minute before he scooted on his bench to make room for Phil. 

 

“I just wanted to apologize for being a right jerk lately,” Phil started. “It was completely unfair of me to put you in an uncomfortable situation and flat-out ignore you for a reason you weren’t aware of.” 

 

More silence passed as the sky started to bleed from the sunset. Dan’s chest tightened. “You stood me up the morning after I gave everything to you,” he muttered. “I gave you everything, and all I get in return is you ignoring the hell out of me.” 

 

Dan could feel Phil’s eyes boring into the back of his neck. He couldn’t stand looking at him. Part of him felt exposed, violated, intruded. Underneath the anger was that vulnerability, the hurt, which Dan was no stranger to. 

 

“I’m sorr-”

 

“You don’t get to say you’re sorry,” Dan snapped, standing up and glaring at Phil. “You don’t get to fucking say that to me. You know why?”

 

Phil’s eyes were pleading pools of guilt, but Dan refused to give into compassion before finishing his piece. 

 

“BECAUSE YOU CAN’T  _ TAKE BACK  _ WHAT YOU FUCKING DID! YOU CAN’T JUST SAY ‘OH I’M SORRY’ AND SUDDENLY EXPECT IT TO BE OKAY! LIFE DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT, PHIL!” 

 

Dan’s face was red with fury, his eyes bloodshot and tired. This sucked. It absolutely sucked. Yelling at Phil, crying his eyes out for the hundredth time today, being in such a fucking vulnerable position. He shakily breathed in and out, trying to calm himself down. 

 

Phil couldn’t meet his eyes. They were glued to the ground, his hands fidgeting and his face as pale as marble stone. Then his form started shaking; he tried to silence a sob, but to no avail. 

 

Phil was crying. 

 

The black-haired man didn’t respond, his head held down in shame. “You didn’t deserve what I did to you. I have no excuse. What I did to you was so selfish of me, I feel so so horrible.” Slowly his eyes met Dan’s. Those blue eyes that held oceans now raining tears. “You don’t have to forgive me, but at least know that I truly am sorry.” 

 

Dan stared at Phil for a while, fighting between his heart and his mind, his hurt and his love. His face hardened. “Why did you do it?”

 

“I panicked,” Phil answered. “I panicked... when I realized I had sex with you that night and it was your first time and everything and I took that away from you. I lost control of myself. I hated myself for it. How I got so caught up in pleasure, let myself just-” he sighed and shook his head. “And after I ran away, I realized I only made it worse. I couldn’t face you. I felt extremely guilty. I still do.” 

 

_ “I’m too dangerous for you…” Dan had remembered saying as he slowly backed away from Grant and towards the exit.  _

 

_ Grant’s face melted into alarm. “What do you mean?”  _

 

_ “I can’t be around you anymore, I-” Dan had felt tears welling in his eyes. “I’m sorry, I just-”  _

 

_ “Wait!” Grant shouted after him, the desperation so evident that it gnawed at Dan’s core. “Don’t leave!” _

 

_ Dan had run away. He couldn’t face what he had done, or what he hadn’t done enough. Guilt-ridden, heartbroken, regretful, full of self-hatred. The glaringly bright hospital hallway started to fade, his vision become whiter and whiter until… _

 

Dan thought for a while as the last of the sun finally disappeared, taking with it the anger lodged in his heart. Night time took over. The heat of the day was replaced by a cool spring breeze. Finally, he managed to pull together his thoughts.

 

“We all make mistakes,” he said. “There’s no point in beating yourself up about it. There’s gonna be that guilt that’s eating you up, but you have to move on from the past.” He sighed deeply and sat back down on the bench. He didn’t realize how tired he was, how emotionally draining this was. “I actually… I know how you feel.” 

 

“You do?” Phil said incredulously. 

Dan nodded. “Yeah. Remember Grant?” 

 

“Ohhh,” Phil said. “Yeah, I understand.” 

 

“I shouldn’t have left,” Dan grimaced. “We both shouldn’t have, you and me. We both shouldn’t have left.” 

 

“You’re right, we shouldn’t have.” 

 

“But even when I abandoned him at his worst moment,” Dan explained, “Grant still managed to forgive me.” He laughed tiredly. “I don’t know how he managed to do it, but if he can forgive me, then I can forgive you.” 

 

“So you do forgive me?” Phil asked hopefully. 

 

“Yeah, I do.” 

 

A smile cracked onto Phil’s face slightly and he chuckled. “Thank you.” 

 

Dan couldn’t help but smile as well. He shook his head. “Dork,” he muttered, nudging Phil on the arm. Phil nudged him back a bit harder, both of them reduced to fits of giggles. The laughter eventually died down and they opted for gazing at each other softly instead. 

 

Phil was the first one to lean in. Their lips met. They’ve only kissed a few times, yet the fireworks still went off in Dan’s mind and Phil’s heart definitely flipped. 

 

“I’m still confused as hell,” Dan said after he pulled away from the kiss. “And I don’t want to put a label on myself or anything or officially declare myself converted. But I want to let you know that I’m less closed off about it now.” 

 

Phil grinned and wrapped his arms around Dan, nuzzling into his neck. Dan smiled as his heart soared wildly, almost flying out of his chest. Phil pressed a chaste kiss to Dan’s lips. 

 

“I’m glad my expertise conversion skills are effective,” Phil said teasingly. 

 

“Shut up,” Dan said with a roll of his eyes. “You’re such a nerd.” 

 


	14. It is Well

Dan didn’t know exactly what to call this thing he and Phil had. Were they actually boyfriends? Friends with benefits?  _ Secretly married? _

 

All he knew was that he could wake up every morning in the lovely presence of Phil Lester, whose arms would always be wrapped around him protectively. Oh, and that he was madly in love with said Phil Lester. 

 

They didn’t really do anything other than literally sleep together (as in lay in bed and sleep). Phil didn’t seem interested in the sexual aspects of, well, whatever the hell this was. Dan didn’t mind, though, which he had to constantly reassure Phil of. 

 

“Today’s Good Friday,” Phil said to Dan, who was brushing his teeth. “Kelly and the Y.A.C.H.T. Club organized a special service for it in the chapel. Do you wanna go?” 

 

Dan gave a noise of approval as he continued brushing his teeth. 

 

And so Dan and Phil found themselves entering the chapel along with the crowd of people that night. Making sure not to lose each other in the crowd, Dan and Phil held pinkies. It was subtle yet effective. 

 

Dan had to admit, it was a bit annoying that he had to downplay their relationship like this, but he was willing to wait until Phil was ready to accept his liking for boys - liking Dan in particular - while Phil was willing to wait until Dan was ready to accept his faith, if that should happen. 

 

“Hey Kelly!” Phil greeted. 

 

“Hi Kelly,” Dan said with a wave. 

 

“Hey you guys!” Kelly smiled brightly as she continued passing out pamphlets to the incoming people. She jutted one into Phil’s hand. “Take one!” 

 

“Thanks!” Phil said. “I’m excited to see what you and the Y.A.C.H.T. Club have been working on.” 

 

“What exactly is Y.A.C.H.T. Club?” Dan asked. “I doubt it has anything to do with boats from the sounds of it.” 

 

“It doesn’t,” Kelly said with a shake of her head. “It stands for Youth and Christ Helping Together.” 

 

“Ohh, so like a religious club.” 

 

“Yep!” Phil said. “But cooler.” 

 

“Shut up, Phil, you’re not cool,” Dan said with a glare that ended up more fond than condescending. 

 

“Am too!” Phil pouted.

 

“Stop it, you guys, you’re too cute,” Kelly interrupted. She motioned for them to head inside the chapel. 

 

Dan and Phil took their usual seats on the balcony, which was empty as usual. The chapel was darker, only lit by candles and low dim lights. Everyone seemed to be more quiet than usual. 

 

“You know what Good Friday is, right?” Phil asked. 

 

“Yeah, it’s the day when Jesus was sentenced to die on the Cross.” 

 

“Correct,” Phil said. “Every Good Friday at uni, PJ and I promised ourselves to completely give up cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, masturbation, any bad thing we were still addicted to back then, for the whole day. And if one of us broke that promise, that person would have to treat the other person to a good dinner on Easter.” 

 

“Heh, that sounds like a good deal.” 

 

“Mhm. At first I saw it as a game or competition between me and Peej, but then as each year passed, I saw the day for what it really was. Not to win some bet with PJ, but to actually sacrifice something because Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for us.” 

 

Dan nodded just as the chapel started quieting down. The service was somber and wordless. The members of the Y.A.C.H.T. Club reenacted each station for the Stations of the Cross. Watching the poor man who played Jesus carry that cross, which looked very heavy indeed, Dan started to wonder again. 

 

“Why would Jesus go through all of this for us? Even for all of the people who treated Him like complete and utter shit, even now?” Dan asked. 

 

“Because He loves us. I know it sounds cheesy, but it’s true. That weight of the cross He carried is all of our sins, all of our fears, burdens, problems, demons, everything. It shows that Jesus is willing to take them all and bear the load as we carry our own crosses in our lives each day. And sometimes, when it becomes too much, Jesus understands and will take some of that weight off, because He will do anything for us. That’s why He didn’t stop them - even though He could - from nailing Him to the Cross.” 

 

“That’s pretty poetic,” Dan commented. “My Sunday school teacher never said this deep shit.” 

 

Phil shrugged and said, “I believe that beneath all of the customs and rules, the center of Christianity is the relationship between you and God. It’s like marriage. You have basic rules you have to follow, such as not cheating with someone else and making sure to love your partner and be there for them in every step of the way in life. It’s the same with God. There are rules to follow, of course, but at the end of the day, it’s the relationship with Him that’s the core of it all.” 

 

Dan stayed silent and watched as the people dressed as Roman soldiers pretended to nail the man playing Jesus to the Cross. Even if it was all just a show, it didn’t look like the most pleasant thing in the world to have your arms spread across a giant cross. 

 

He didn’t know what to think or what to believe. He was lost. Hopefully one day he could be found. 

  
  


~ 

  
  


After the service, Dan and Phil bade each other goodnight, Phil apologizing as he had to start studying for exams now without any distractions or else he’d never actually do it. Dan assured Phil it was fine and went back to his dorm, flopping onto his bed and taking in a deep breath and exhaling calmly. 

 

Just then, the door opened and Jude entered, clearly discombobulated. Dan narrowed his eyes and sat up on his bed. “YOU!” 

 

Jude turned to Dan and scoffed. “What do you want?” 

 

“You snatched my fucking letter and sent it to my mum without even asking me! You stole my fucking property!” 

 

“Chill your tits, Howell. I’m currently occupied with much more important matters than your petty quest for revenge,” Jude retorted as he went through his drawers and searched his side of the room. 

 

“What are you even looking for?” Dan questioned. 

 

“None of your business, again, Howell. Do you make a hobby out of interrogating your peers due to your immense and rather irritating curiosity?” 

 

“Okay, no, I’m not doing this,” Dan muttered as he got up from his bed, slammed the door, and turned to Jude. “The majority of this year, you’ve been an arrogant asshole, talking down to me in that pissy condescending voice of yours, raiding through my stuff, insulting and mocking me, and god knows where  _ THE ACTUAL FUCK  _ your ass goes off to every goddamn night! WHAT IS UP WITH YOU?!” 

 

Dan breathed heavily as he awaited Jude’s response. Jude, on the other hand, had his eyes wide in shock. 

 

“Well? Say something,” Dan growled. 

 

Jude groaned and sat down on his bed. Dan followed suit and sat down on his. 

 

“Don’t treat me like a pity party or go around telling everyone, got it?”

 

“No promises,” Dan said with a piercing glare. 

 

“My sister just gave birth to her baby at the hospital. She got pregnant because her douche of a boyfriend had sex without protection and then fucking left like a coward when she told her. Fucking asshole. Absolute waste of human scum. But yeah, I’ve been visiting her almost every night to help her take care of the baby, bring food from uni or some of my food finances since I’m on scholarship here. But the best thing I can offer her is my time. That’s why I’m not taking as many classes, so I don’t piss my brain so I could help take care of her.” 

 

Dan’s mind was completely blown. He didn’t know Jude had a sister, let alone one experiencing the worst side of teen pregnancy. It completely explained why he was never fucking around, and when he was, he was a cranky little bitch. 

 

“That makes sense,” Dan finally said. 

 

Jude’s slight frown turned into a sneer. “I don’t want your pity. I would’ve never told you this if you weren’t so keen on getting an answer.” 

 

“No need to be all defensive about it,” Dan snapped. Then his face softened. “But I do apologize for getting angry at you when I didn’t know what was going on.” 

 

“Apology accepted, Howell,” Jude replied, his face now less stone cold and more bland and empty. “I also apologize for the times I’ve been a royal pain in the ass.” 

 

“So basically the entire time I’ve known you?” Dan asked sweetly. 

 

“Don’t push it.” 

 

Dan chuckled, an awkward silence settling between them. 

 

“Wait, didn’t you say your sister’s at the hospital and just gave birth? Why the fuck are you here and not with her?”

 

“Oh, shit, yeah. I promised to give her a blanket a few days ago when she would give birth to her baby but her water broke early, so yeah. I need a blanket.” 

 

“That’s why you were raiding my stuff?!” 

 

“Hey! In my defense, you seem like the kind of guy to own a blanket.” 

 

“Extra commentary  _ not  _ necessary,” Dan groaned. “Okay, well shit, don’t you have a blanket of your own?” 

 

“I do, but I fucking lost it,” Jude said as he kept looking under piles of clothes and pushed past books on his desk. 

 

Dan sighed and looked through his drawers and piles of clothes as well. He opened his travel bag and dug through his clothes and travel-sized hygienic items until he finally reached the bottom of the bag. He gasped and laughed to himself, shaking his head. 

 

He pulled out the blanket and small mittens and socks Lillian had given to him and Phil during Christmas break. It turns out he really did need them after all. Dan grabbed the blanket and clothing articles and held them up. Jude turned around and smirked. 

 

“So you  _ do  _ own a blanket.” 

 

“Shut the fuck up or I’m keeping it,” Dan deadpanned. 

 

“Just pulling your strings,” Jude replied lightly. Dan placed the items in Jude’s hands. “Thanks, Howell.” 

 

“On one condition,” Dan said. 

 

Jude raised an eyebrow. 

 

“You’re taking me with you to that hospital so I can give them to your sister.” 

 

A long silence followed until Jude’s peering glare broke out into a hearty laugh. “You’re so cheesy, Howell. But as you wish. I’ll take you to the hospital and you can see my sister and her baby.” 

 

They arrived at the hospital as the two hands of the clock pointed north on the Big Ben in London. On a chilly midnight on Saturday, exactly a day before Easter, Dan witnessed a second teenage mother and her newborn son. 

 

The look on Jude’s sister’s face when Dan gave her the blanket, mittens, and socks was always a good feeling, one that he had missed ever since he said goodbye to Lillian. 

 

“I don’t think you’ve properly introduced me to your roommate, Jude. I know you’ve ranted about him to me loads, but he’s so sweet!” 

 

“Yeah, yeah, he’s a right pain, but he’s a good guy,” Jude drawled, but his bored tone was replaced with a smile. 

 

Dan rolled his eyes but a smile easily made its way back onto his face. “I’m Dan.” 

 

Jude’s sister turned to Dan and smiled. “Nice to meet you, Dan. My name is Jillian.” 

 

Dan almost laughed out loud. Oh, the coincidences. If God was real and made this coincidence happen, God was one hell of a comedian as He was an artist. 

 

“Nice to meet you, Jillian.” 

 

“Yeah, our parents went with the whole ‘name all of our children starting with this letter’ thing,” Jude said. “It’s so annoying.” 

 

“Hush you,” Jillian reprimanded. She rocked her newborn baby in her arms. “He’s sleeping and doesn’t care for your complaints.” 

 

Dan peered at the baby. He truly was a beautiful sight. There was no denying that the baby was a piece of art made for Jillian. “What’s his name?” 

 

“I’ve decided to name him Knox. It’s unorthodox and he’ll probably hate me for it, but I chose it because it means ‘night’ in Latin and he was born at night.” 

 

“That’s actually really pretty,” Dan said. 

 

“Can I hold him now, sis?” Jude asked. 

 

“Yes, you can,” Jillian said as she let Jude scoop up the baby boy into his arms and carry him around. 

 

Dan had never seen his roommate so tender and vulnerable, watching as Jude slowly fell more in love with the tiny human in his arms. It was a moving sight, something very human yet beyond human at the same time. 

 

The tenderness of a man, especially one usually so closed off and bitter, holding an innocent baby who had yet to see the world, was a powerful thing. 

 

_ How can God not be real when there are small beautiful moments like this in the world?  _ Dan wondered. 

 

And once again, the answer was as clear as the foggy night in London. 

  
  


~ 

  
  


On Saturday night, Dan could feel the energy radiating from everyone. Easter was almost here and people were already preparing the decorations in the chapel. The choir and musicians were rehearsing their music, the readers were practicing their readings with the microphone at the podium, and the aura was giddy and exciting, like the night before Christmas. 

 

Dan was sitting on the balcony again with Phil. He promised he wouldn’t run away this time. Hopefully he could keep his word. 

 

The chapel went dark and only one single candle by the podium remained so that the reader would be able to see the words. It was a beautiful service, perhaps even more so than the Christmas Mass he went to with Phil. Although Christmas was a time of celebration and rejoice, this Easter Mass had a more glorious feel to it. The trumpets blared and the chimes whistled and the percussion kept the heartbeat of the music pulsing. 

 

_ “ _ _ They found the stone rolled away from the tomb; but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were puzzling over this, behold, two men in dazzling garments appeared to them. _

_ They were terrified and bowed their faces to the ground. They said to them ‘Why do you seek the living one among the dead? He is not here, but he has been raised…’”  _

 

“So Jesus rose from the dead to fulfill the prophecy?” Dan asked. 

 

Phil nodded. “Yes. He conquered death and will finally ascend to Heaven in His full glory after spending some time with his disciples.” 

 

“So what’s your interpretation of it?” 

 

“Hmmm,” Phil hummed as thought for a moment. “It symbolizes that God will always win over evil, that good will always conquer the bad, that God’s goodness will bring us eternal life. Whatever we have here on earth, it will all be gone. All we’ll have left to offer is what we’ve personally done in the world, how we treated others, carried ourselves, how much faith we’ve put in God, our souls.” 

 

“Yeah, I see what you mean,” Dan said. “But what about those times when evil  _ does  _ win? Like all of the terrorist attacks, war, and everything? Why doesn’t God just make it all stop? Why does He let us suffer like this?” 

 

Phil was silent, his eyes staring off into a different world. He seemed to be at a loss of words. Dan had asked this question before, and Phil had given him a supposed answer at one Mass, but Dan refused to believe that God, a supposed loving entity of His creation, could allow mass murders and just pure evil to persist in this world. 

 

This time, it was Phil who stood up from his seat and left the chapel. Dan, oddly shocked that it wasn’t he who had stormed off first, followed Phil downstairs and out the door. 

 

“Phil!” Dan shouted. “Don’t just walk away!” 

 

Phil stopped in his tracks and turned around. For once, he seemed completely and utterly lost. It was a surreal feeling, something that disturbed Dan to the core. Phil was always so sure of his faith, always defending it. Did Dan touch a breaking point? 

 

“You know what, Dan?” Phil asked softly, almost inaudible. Dan took a few steps closer to Phil. 

 

“What?” 

 

“I don’t know why He lets it all happen.” Phil’s voice was so unsure. “I don’t know why God let the Holocaust happen, let slavery happen, let my mom leave and my dad die…” 

 

Dan could only watch as Phil searched for his next words.

 

“And…” Phil persisted, “And I don’t know if I’m really faithful or just a crazy person, but I refuse to believe that God isn’t here. He has to be, He just  _ has  _ to be.” 

 

“But what if he’s not?” Dan whispered. 

 

Phil shook his head defiantly. “I don’t have all of the answers in the world, Dan. I wish I could answer them for you, I really do. But there’s a reason why it’s called ‘faith.’ Because even if you don’t have all of the answers, you still believe. You still have faith. And isn’t that what religion is really about?” 

 

Dan didn’t respond. 

 

“I completely understand if you just- if you just can’t do that,” Phil continued, his fists clenched and his eyes shut. “This past year with you, I learned that sometimes religion isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay.” 

 

Phil walked over to Dan until he was standing in front of him and held his hands. 

 

“But there’s something in the back of my mind telling me that your faith is still there somewhere, Dan. That you still want to believe, but something is holding you back.” 

 

Dan stared down at his and Phil’s intertwined fingers. Was he afraid? He didn’t know. “All I’m sure of right now is that even though I still don’t know if I can believe in God, I can believe in us.” He squeezed Phil’s hands tightly and slowly looked up to meet Phil’s eyes. “Is that okay with you for now?” 

 

Phil nodded. He was alright with it, and as long as Phil was fine, Dan would be too. He decided that it was well with his soul. 

 


	15. We Will Not Be Shaken

_ June 11, 2010  _

 

When Dan met Phil in their usual corner at Starbucks, he didn’t expect Phil to hand him an iPod with his name stickered on it. 

 

“Oh my god, Phil, this is too much…” Dan said dumbfoundedly, sliding the iPod back to him. 

 

“Take it,” Phil said insistently, sliding the iPod towards Dan once more. “I made a playlist of songs for you on there. Songs that remind me of you.” 

 

“Oh,” Dan said as he blushed profusely, “I’m flattered. Thank you.” 

 

“Happy Birthday,” Phil said softly as Dan opened up the iPod and scrolled through the playlist. 

 

**_Dan’s Playlist ^-^_ **

 

 

  * **_**_FOOLS - Troye Sivan_**_**


  * **_Take Me to Church - Hozier_**


  * **_Nearness - Jenn Johnson & Bethel Music_**


  * **_Gravity - Jenn Johnson & Brian Johnson_**


  * **_Shake It Out - Florence and the Machine_**


  * **_You’re Gonna Be OK - Jenn Johnson & Brian Johnson_**


  * **_We Dance - Steffany Gretzinger_**


  * **_Closer - Steffany Gretzinger_**


  * **_In Over My Head - Jenn Johnson & Bethel Music_**


  * **_Take Courage - Kristene DiMarco & Bethel Music_**


  * **_You Make Me Brave - Amanda Cook & Bethel Music_**


  * **_Starlight - Amanda Cook & Bethel Music_**


  * **_Out of Hiding - Steffany Gretzinger_**


  * **_It is Well - Kristene DiMarco & Bethel Music_**


  * **_We Will Not Be Shaken - Brian Johnson & Bethel Music_**



 

“Oh, Phil…” Dan breathed out, the butterflies in his stomach fluttering wildly and a smile blooming onto his face, “thank you so much.” 

 

“I also, erm, wrote an excerpt of the lyrics from each song on the playlist in this journal, and the date that I thought of you and a brief little thought with it,” Phil said, handing Dan a small leather notebook with many pages worn out with pencil markings. 

 

“Now this is really too much,” Dan said abashedly. “I don’t deserve all of this.” 

 

“You do,” Phil insisted. “And so much more. I’m sorry this is all I could give you.” 

 

“This is more than enough,” Dan said. He searched for Phil’s hand other the table and laced their fingers together. “I love you.” 

 

Phil beamed and gripped Dan’s hand tightly, not ready to let go any time soon. 

 

The rest of Dan’s birthday celebration that day was handled by Phil and Kelly, who decided to throw him a small party during the Y.A.C.H.T. Club meeting. It was the end of the year meeting and everyone had brought food, so Dan couldn’t complain. Besides, Kelly brought it upon herself to bake the birthday cake, which looked pretty decent for a university student who could only make macaroni and cheese with a microwave. 

 

Dan was pleasantly surprised when he and Phil met up with Lillian and spent the rest of the late afternoon wandering around the city and then going out to dinner. Before the night was over, much earlier than Dan’s liking, he and Phil saw Lillian off so she could return home back to her baby Thomas, who was under the reliable care of Mrs. Lester. 

 

When all was said and done, Dan arrived back at his dorm by himself. He needed some time alone to enjoy Phil’s birthday present, particularly the journal. He fished out his headphones from his backpack, took out the journal, and sat at his desk. Pulling up the playlist on the iPod and plugging his headphones in, Dan opened up the journal to the first page as the first song flooded into his ears. 

  
  


**_September 4, 2009_ **

 

**_“Oh, our lives don't collide, I'm aware of this_ ** ****__  
**_We've got differences and impulses and your obsession with_ ** ****__  
**_The little things, you like stick, and I like aerosol_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_I don't give a fuck, I'm not giving up, I still want it all”_

**_~Fools_ **

 

**_The first day we met, I knew we came from different worlds. But I was willing to take a chance with you anyway, because God called me to. And I wasn’t ready to give up and let you go._ **

  
  
  


**_September 7, 2009_ **

 

**_“Every Sunday's getting more bleak_ ** **_  
_ ** **_A fresh poison each week”_ **

**_~Take Me to Church_ **

 

**_I remember at the end of our first session, you ended up running out in the middle of Mass. I didn’t understand it back then, but now I do. It was a toxic environment for you that brought back poisonous memories._ **

  
  
  


**_September 21, 2009_ **

 

**_“I stand with so many questions_ ** **_  
_ ** **_But You know all of the answers”_ **

**_~Nearness_ **

 

**_You had so many questions about God. I had to admit, I was overwhelmed, but you posed quite a challenge and I wasn’t ready to give up just yet. I’m sorry I didn’t have all of your answers, but God does. I guess I had to accept that._ **

  
  
  


**_October 6, 2009_ **

 

**_“Your gravity_ ** ****__  
**_Pulls me close to You_ ** ****__  
**_And I can breathe again_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_Here with You”_

**_~Gravity_ **

 

**_That night when we ate pizza together after our session, there was something about you that pulled me closer to you. The very idea of you as a person had this gravitational effect on me._ **

  
  
  


**_November 2, 2009_ **

 

**_“And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back_ ** **_  
_ ** **_So shake him off”_ **

**_~Shake It Out_ **

 

**_You ran away from Mass again that day. There was an internal battle going on, I could feel it. You were fighting demons, and I still didn’t understand and kept wondering and questioning. I hope you can forgive me for that._ **

  
  
  


**_November 4, 2009_ **

 

**_“I know your heart is heavy from those nights_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Just remember that you're a fighter”_ **

**_~You’re Gonna Be Okay_ **

 

**_I thought of this two nights after our “fight” outside of the chapel. I hoped that one day I could share this song with you once you were ready to talk to me again, so you could take solace in the lyrics and the nice music._ **

  
  


**_November 10, 2009_ **

****__  
**_“It's nice to know I'm not alone_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_I found my home here in Your arms”_

**_~We Dance_ **

 

**_When we danced outside that hall in the Youth Rally, I think my heart stumbled along with my feet._ **

  
  
  


**_December 22, 2009_ **

 

**_“Pull me a little closer_ ** ****__  
**_Take me a little deeper_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_I want to know Your heart”_

**_~Closer_ **

 

**_That Christmas break, I knew I had deep feelings for you, but I hadn’t come to terms with that yet and I was scared. But even though I was scared, I still wanted to get to know you more and more, fall in deeper and deeper._ **

  
  


**_December 24, 2009_ **

 

**_“Then You crash over me and I've lost control but I'm free_ ** **_  
_ ** **_I'm going under, I'm in over my head”_ **

**_~In Over My Head_ **

 

**_That night I watched you play the piano, I fell in love with you._ **

  
  
  


**_January 23, 2010_ **

 

**_“And You who hold the stars_ ** ****__  
**_Who call them each by name_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_Will surely keep Your promise to me”_

**_~Take Courage_ **

 

**_When we watched the galaxies and the stars in the observatory, I knew God sent you to me for a reason. You looked so beautiful in that moment, surely God wouldn’t think that my heart beating slightly faster whenever I look at you is a sin? I don’t believe so._ **

  
  
  


**_February 21, 2010_ **

 

**_“For You are for us_ ** ****__  
**_You are not against us_ ** ****__  
**_Champion of Heaven_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_You made a way for all to enter in”_

**_~You Make Me Brave_ **

 

**_When you told me you were gay, I knew that God would love you all the same, even if you don’t believe it, and that’s okay. You were brave when you told me that you love boys, that God made you brave._ **

  
  


**_April 7, 2010_ **

 

**_“And there's no heart unseen_ ** ****__  
**_There's no space between_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_You and I”_

**_~Starlight_ **

 

**_We kissed that night. We told each other ‘I love you’ and it was magical. We were so close._ **

  
  
  


**_April 8, 2010_ **

 

**_“No need to be frightened by intimacy_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Just throw off your fear and come running to me”_ **

**_~Out of Hiding_ **

 

**_I was scared that I had hurt you, scared that I let myself go. I wish I wasn’t scared and didn’t shut doors on you. I should’ve just embraced it and let you love me and love you in return. It’s in the past now, though. And I love you._ **

  
  
  


**_April 12, 2010_ **

 

**_“Through it all, through it all_ ** ****__  
**_My eyes are on You_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_And it is well with me”_

**_~It is Well_ ** ****__  
  


**_That midnight on Easter, I finally made peace with the fact that you still could not accept God. It was well with my soul._ **

  
  


**_June 11, 2010_ ** ****__  
  


**_“Though the battle rages_ ** ****__  
**_We will stand in the fight_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_Though the armies rise up against us on all sides”_

**_~We Will Not Be Shaken_ **

 

**_I know that not all parts of Christianity will be accepting of our relationship, but I’m willing to fight. I won’t give up. I promise I won’t give up. Our relationship will not fetter. We will not be shaken._ **

  
  


Dan cried tears of joy that night. He didn’t know what came over him; he usually wasn’t this emotional. However, he couldn’t help the overwhelming love and support crashing over him. Phil really was something. Dan couldn’t deny that if there was a god out there who made certain souls to find each other and be together, he had found his soulmate in Phil Lester. 

  
  


~ 

  
  


It was the last day before summer break began for the students at St. Leo University. Dan had decided to skip out on the final Mass, which Phil was fine with. However, well after the Mass ended, Dan walked into the chapel that was nearly empty save two people: him and Phil. 

 

Phil, sitting at one of the pews on the ground floor, turned his head and smiled. Dan couldn’t help but morph his lips upwards at the sight of his boyfriend. It was always Phil. 

 

The two of them walked down the center aisle towards the altar. Phil stopped to bow in front of the hanging statue of Jesus on the Cross, Dan simply nodding his head. They faced each other in the middle of the airy chapel. 

 

“So where do you stand with religion at this point?” Phil asked. “Has anything really changed?”

 

Dan pondered for a moment before shaking his head. “I’m still on the rocks. Like I told you on Easter, I’m still not a Christian, but I won’t reject the faith anymore.” 

 

“It’s okay to still be confused,” Phil said, “almost everyone who practices a religion goes through phases where they have doubts and even break off from the religion for a while. Some come back, and some don’t, unfortunately. But like I said, I’ll be at peace with every decision you make.” 

 

“Thank you,” Dan whispered, nodding his head. His eyes met Phil’s. The sunlight spilled through the stained glass windows and shined throughout the chapel and between them, and all was alight. 


	16. Epilogue: Catch the Wind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, everyone, we’re nearing the end of our journey with these two nerds. It’s been an amazing story to write and hopefully a good read for you all. Thank you sm for reading! And now without further ado, the last installment.

Dan finished covering the last of the roses before plopping himself on the bench. He deserved a break from practically perishing in the day’s relentless chilly weather for over fifteen minutes while wearing a fuzzy holiday sweater with overalls and a ridiculous floppy sun hat.

 

He had to admit, though, he looked damn fine when he admired himself in the mirror. That was, of course, before he went outside with his water can and before dirt smudged the vast majority of his thoroughly planned aesthetic gardener outfit.

 

“Why are you pouting?” Phil, dressed in significantly cleaner overalls, asked as he opened the front door and found a sulking Dan slouching on the bench. “At least do it inside where it’s a bit warmer.”

 

“Having a garden is so hard!” Dan whined as he allowed Phil to gently push him inside the house, where he was embraced by warmth emanating from the lit fireplace and the aroma of cookies baking in the oven.

 

“I know, but you’re the one who wanted one, so you have to put in the effort,” Phil said as he went off into the kitchen and proceeded to take the tray of now baked cookies from the oven. The smell attacked Dan full force now. He had to have some of those damn cookies.

 

Dan found himself sidling over to Phil, who was taking off his oven mitts. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil from behind and nuzzled his head into the back of his shoulder.

 

“I think you should give me one of those cookies,” Dan mumbled into Phil’s neck.

 

“I think you should wait until our guests arrive,” Phil retorted lightly and tapped Dan’s nose endearingly.

 

“Damn it, Phil! You tease!”

 

“How am I a tease?!”

 

“You won’t give me a flipping cookie!”

 

“Nice save word for your cursing,” Phil remarked.

 

“Thanks!” Dan shook his head. “So cookie?”

 

“Not until our guests arrive!” Phil repeated. “What would little Thomas think of you stealing a cookie?”

 

“It’s not stealing if I’m supposed to _have_ it anyways,” Dan explained.

 

“Don’t twist the rules for your own benefit, Dan,” Phil said exasperatedly. “Jesus wouldn’t approve.”

 

“I’m sure Jesus wouldn’t approve of me starving to death, either,” Dan muttered.

 

“Dan!”

 

“Alright, alright,” Dan relented.

 

Then, at opportune timing, the doorbell rang.

 

“I’ll get it!” Dan said, hurrying to the door and opening it to Lillian, a 6-year old Thomas, Mr. and Mrs. Lester, Kelly, and PJ, who all greeted Dan cheerfully as he let them through the door. “Welcome to our humble abode, everyone!”

 

“I brought presents!” Lillian exclaimed, shoving a large gift box covered in mistletoe-themed wrapping.

 

“Thanks, Lillian! You can set them over there on that small table.”

 

Lillian nodded and flittered off to set down her presents and make small talk with everyone else in the room. Dan didn’t miss PJ’s endearing looks towards Kelly. PJ was the last person Dan expected to have feelings for anyone, as he was so focused on becoming a priest back when they met in university. He wasn’t sure if Kelly returned the feelings, but he hoped so, he really did.

 

Jude and Jillian sent their best wishes through a lovely Christmas card that presented a festive collage of them and 5-year old Knox a week ago. Apparently they wanted to make the Christmas dinner but had already planned a ski trip in France. Dan assured Jude that it was fine and he sent his season’s greetings to him, Jillian, and Knox in return.

 

Despite his former roommate’s snobby attitude, Dan had grown to like the guy. He was a decent man, not to mention the fact that his inflated ego had deflated slightly over the years after their university days. Now he spent most of his focus and energy on looking after Knox while Jillian was studying at St. Leo’s. Although, Jude did hint at a “rather attractive persona” he met at a religious retreat he volunteered at. Dan, quite intrigued, asked Jude for more information on said persona, but alas, the prat gave nothing away, not even pronouns!

 

Grant and Dan’s mother would be arriving late, as the train from Dan’s hometown was harshly congested around this time of year and they didn’t have access to cars, unlike the other guests. Dan was ecstatic to see his mother. Even though they had had much more bonding time now since Dan had just graduated university, he missed his mother quite a bit. It had been a month since their last reunion due to Dan and Phil’s hassle over buying a house together and some “other unnamed matters” Phil claimed to be preoccupied with.

 

Dan busied himself with small talk amongst the guests as Phil added some finishing touches to the dinner. He found out that Lillian started talking to someone online two days ago and how this person was lovely and this and that. Dan couldn’t help but coo at one of his good friends finding a possible love. As a man enslaved by the same culprit, he recognized those premature feelings with that special person. He also made light talk with Phil’s parents, who were doing fine and still very much smitten with baby Thomas.

 

He then approached PJ and Kelly, who were conversing amicably. However, Dan could practically sense the nervousness and desire to impress Kelly from PJ. He was such a nerd, a hopeless romantic. Now that Dan thought about it, he realized just how well PJ and Kelly could complement each other as a couple. They looked nice together, but their personalities also went together like peanut butter and jelly.

 

Dinner started just as Grant and Dan’s mother finally arrived. Dan, of course, was the first one to embrace his mother, the two of them holding each other for a long time.

 

“Missed you,” Dan whispered.

 

“Missed you back,” she replied.

 

Dan finally let go of his mother and gave Grant a hug as well. Even though Grant had assured him many times that he was now fine, Dan felt like he needed it, both of them.

 

“How’re you doing?” Dan asked after he pulled away.

 

“Really good,” Grant answered with a nod. “Really really good, actually. I met this guy at Steubenville and he was really really cute.”

 

“Steubenville?”

“Oh! It’s this religious retreat I went to recently. It was really powerful and an amazing experience!”

 

Dan’s eyebrows raised so high they almost disappeared under the curls of his fringe. “Was the person you met named Jude?” He asked slowly.

 

Grant’s eyes widened. “Yes! How did you know?”

 

_The fucker! What an ass, not telling me he had a taste for men…_

 

“Long story…” Dan said with narrowed eyes. “Let’s just say I have a person to confront after this damn dinner over the phone.”

 

“Heh, alright!” Grant said with a chuckle. “I’m gonna go greet everyone else. Don’t wanna seem rude or anything!”

 

“Haha, okay. You go mingle!”

 

Dinner was expected to be an awkward affair, but fortunately, it was lighthearted and funny, accompanied by a warm comfortable atmosphere. After a few merry hours, all of the guests were out the door with warm holiday wishes to their hosts. Dan sighed as he finished cleaning up the table.

 

“Can we go out into our garden for a minute?” Phil asked.

 

“But it’s freezing,” Dan complained

 

“I know, but I love our garden!” Phil argued. “Plus I want to talk to you alone for a bit.”

 

“Fine, let me grab my coat,” Dan relented.

 

When Dan and Phil first purchased the house, the place where the garden was now used to be only plain green grass with no decor at all. Now the space beared a multitude of flowers, mini blossom trees, bushels, and hosts a handful of butterflies, ladybugs, and other gentle wildlife. Dan’s personal favorite, which he would never admit to Phil, was the pink cherry blossom tree that he and Phil planted first in the garden before anything else. It embraced the whole garden, filling the small land space with its humble beauty.

 

“It’s like God,” Phil said after admiring their complete garden for the first time. “The blossom tree looks like it’s giving a warm hug to the whole garden, making everything beautiful. It’s the source of all beauty, the tree that started this whole garden.” Phil then turned his head to Dan, beaming.

Dan simply smiled back and replied, “God, I’m so in love with you.”

“Trust me, God knows you’re head over heels for him.”

They both laughed, regardless of their hands unconsciously finding each other’s and lacing their fingers together, turning to face each other.

 

“It’s been six years, Dan.”

 

“I know,” Dan said.

 

“Did you finally find it?” Phil asked, his voice tainted with a tiny bit of hope.

 

Dan thought for a long time. Slowly he had immersed himself more and more into the wild unpredictable ocean that was Christianity. There was always that doubt and that fear still looming in the back of his mind, always pulling him back when he felt ready to dive in.

 

“Only if you have an answer to my final question,” Dan replied.

 

“Tell me.”

 

“Why does God let evil things happen in the world?” There it was - that same damn question that both he and Phil were no strangers to.

 

Phil smiled. “I actually do have an answer for that, now. It took me a long time to find it, though.”

 

Dan looked at Phil expectantly. “Alright. Let me hear it.”

 

“So a man asks God that very question: ‘God, why do you let all of these evil things happen in the world? Why don’t you do something about it?’ And God simply smiles and answers: ‘I did. I created you.’”

 

“Interesting,” Dan commented.

 

“It’s all I have,” Phil said. “I’m sorry if it doesn’t satisfy you.”

 

Dan closed his eyes and shook his head. Then his eyes met Phil’s again, a shadow of a smile on his face. “It’s enough, Phil. It’s enough.”

 

Phil’s eyes widen and a grin split across his face. “Really?!”

 

Dan nodded with a tight-lipped smile. “But it’s not just that answer that was enough.”

 

“What else was it?” Phil asked.

 

“Just everything you’ve told me, shown me, experienced with me.” Dan sighed. “I feel like God really did bring you into my life for a reason. My life was so shitty before you came in and added more chaos, but it was worth it in the end, because I’m happy with you. And I feel like all the bad things in my life were really for a purpose. You changed my life.”

 

Phil smiled. “I’m glad I could help.”

 

“Dork,” Dan said with a roll of his eyes.

 

The crisp Christmas breeze glided through the air, lightly freezing the tip of Dan’s nose. Phil laughed happily and wrapped Dan around his arms and lifted him up. Dan exclaimed in surprise but ended up giggling along with his dork of a boyfriend. Phil started spinning him around so fast that he was almost dizzy, like he could catch the wind in the palm of his hand. When Phil finally put him down, silence settled between the two of them again. Dan watched as Phil reached into his pocket and pulled out a ripped out piece of notebook paper with some writing on it and handed it to him. Dan took the scrap of paper and read it.

 

  1. **_Catch the Wind - Melissa Helser & Bethel Music _**



 

**_December 24, 2016_ **

 

 **_“Your faithfulness will never let me down_ ** ****__  
**_I'm confident I'll see Your goodness now_ ** ****__  
**_I know You hear my heart, I'm singing out_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_There's nothing that can stop Your goodness now”_

                                     **_~Catch the Wind_ **

 

**_It’s Christmas Eve and we’re in the garden. By this time, hopefully you’ve fully accepted God. And by this time, hopefully you’ve said yes to my one and only question to you about faith._ **

 

He looked up from the note and saw Phil on one knee, offering up a ring. Dan swore he was about to burst into tears.

 

“Daniel James Howell, will you take one more leap of faith, but with me, this time, and marry me?” Phil asked, his eyes full of nothing but a life full of sacrifice and love awaiting. It would be a difficult path, just like becoming a Christian, but Dan was willing to take that risk with Phil, for Phil. Always for Phil.

 

It was always Phil. Who else would it be?

 

“Yes, I will,” Dan said, “but it’s gonna be a tough journey with a relationship like ours, you know.”

“With you, I can do anything,” Phil said softly. “You make me brave.”

Dan smiled again, eyes bright and full of life. He had the Creator of the moon and stars in them.

With Him, Dan felt brave.

 

And he was.

 

_fin._


End file.
